Breast Cancer and the Children

In Breast Cancer, Recent Posts by Barbara Jacoby

Not long after I started writing my blogs about breast cancer, I started hearing from the children. They would share with me that their mothers or grandmothers or sisters had breast cancer and no one was sharing any information with them. Most often, they were so scared because they didn’t know whether their loved one was going to live or die. They didn’t understand what was going on and had no idea where to turn for help because the adults in their lives were all involved in the care of the patient and they were being ignored. The not knowing what to think or what to do was affecting them in ways that most could never have imagined.

Information needs to be tailored to what is needed by each child and their level of understanding and processing.Barbara Jacoby

I understand. After a cancer diagnosis, everyone can easily become overwhelmed with the day-to-day needs and care of the patient to the point where other family members seem to disappear into the background. Most often, this is not a conscious choice that anyone makes but rather something that happens because parents don’t understand what and how much should be shared with their children. So, it becomes easier to just ignore the issue and go about daily routines as though nothing has changed.

There are no easy answers regarding what should be shared with children as each child is different, one from the other. Some children can be addressed and information can be provided and they can process it based upon an intellectual approach that the child may assume. Other children may be so emotional that not much real information can be given to them unless they can be guaranteed that their loved one is not going to die. That is the only thing that they want to know and the only thing that they will ever hear. Therefore, it is often advisable to have individual conversations with each child involved and address the issues based upon their uniqueness. The other important factor is the age of the child. What is shared with a 5-year-old is not the same information that may be provided to a 12-year-old. Information needs to be tailored to what is needed by each child and their level of understanding and processing.

If you are not sure what to say to each child, you may want to talk to their pediatrician or the child’s teachers as they are most likely to be the only others who may be best qualified to provide recommendations based upon their intimate knowledge of that child. Additionally, the patient’s doctors may be able to provide some insight based upon past experiences that they have had in helping other patients to talk to their children. You may also know others who have had breast cancer and have children that were about the same age at the time as your children are and get some recommendations from them about what may or might not have worked.

There is one other thing that may help a child and that would be to have a “special” adult assigned to them who looks out for their individual needs. This may be another family member to whom the child is particularly attached or the mother of one of the child’s friends or a teacher of a member of the clergy as examples. This adult would be responsible for helping the child through the course of the patient’s treatment and this person could help to address the child’s questions or concerns and keep an eye on how the child is acting and reacting. By keeping a close eye on the child, if the child starts acting out in negative ways, immediate attention can be obtained before the situation gets out of hand. And if the child is having emotional problems in dealing with the situation and/or is shutting down or withdrawing, professional assistance can be provided to the child immediately.

There is never a right or wrong way to handle such a situation because every child is different. However, with a little planning and preparation the best chance for a successful outcome for the child can be achieved. And you might just be surprised at how resilient a child may be when he/she is included in the discussions. Feeling like they count and knowing that someone is there to help them can make all of the difference. As a result, the best possible outcome can not only be addressed for the patient but also for all of the others who are also affected by a breast cancer diagnosis.