Why Breast Cancer Patients Hide After a Diagnosis

I am guessing that unless you have been the recipient of the news that you have breast cancer, it might be hard to understand why such a diagnosis would cause someone to retreat into hiding. Rather, you might expect that under such circumstance, the exact opposite should happen. Such a diagnosis may first bring shock but then there are so many things that need attention. How would you tell your family and friends? What about all of the doctors’ appointments and tests that are looming? Who will help with the children? What happens if you need time off from work that will mean that you won’t have enough money to meet your obligations? Now is the time when you need to reach out and ask for help from any arena where you can get it. So why would you want to head in the opposite direction?

“Hopefully, those around a cancer patient will understand and respect the choices made by the patient. No family member or friend should think that being kept at arm’s length has anything to do with them on a personal basis.”Barbara Jacoby

The truth be told, such a diagnosis is completely overwhelming and if you are not a real extrovert, there is no way that you want to deal with others when there are now so many things on your plate brought on by such a diagnosis. I elected to not tell anyone about my breast cancer the first time other than my husband and my direct supervisor and our Human Resources department members before my surgery. Even after surgery, when I finally told my family members, I limited my sharing to just a few other very close friends.

When I was diagnosed a second time, I still was not willing to share with others. I felt like this was my personal business. I felt that others didn’t really care and it would be just a topic of conversation and gossip. I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable around me or sorry for me. And, bottom line, there was a huge stigma around breast cancer, especially six years ago, before the amount of social media that exists around this subject today.

In retrospect, I would not have changed a single thing in the choices that I made. I needed my time and space to deal with my diagnosis until the time was right for me to share the information. I understand and respect that even now there are many women who choose the same thing, especially with the number of women with whom I have discussed this very thing in the last year. So many of us have been taught about being very private about our bodies when it comes to even the simplest thing like how we should dress as ladies so why would we be comfortable about discussing something like our breasts with other people? We are also instructed to keep our medical information private on all levels so how could we be expected to share something this huge in any type of public domain? And for some with whom I have spoken, they will not share with anyone because it will adversely affect their work situation, even when the laws prohibit such discrimination.

There is also another factor to consider. Whether it be surgery or chemotherapy or any other type of treatment where we are physically changed, a person needs time to accept such change and appearance on a personal level before sharing ourselves in public. Most do not want to be seen after surgery while dealing with drain tubes and not even being able to shower. We feel lousy and we look even worse and the last thing we want to consider is somehow making ourselves look presentable to face others. For those who have chemotherapy, many do not want to be seen without their hair and it may take some time until a person becomes even physically comfortable enough to wear a wig. And, of course, whether you have had a lumpectomy or a single or double mastectomy, it may be difficult to dress in order to camouflage the body changes that have resulted.

Hopefully, those around a cancer patient will understand and respect the choices made by the patient. No family member or friend should think that being kept at arm’s length has anything to do with them on a personal basis. The care and treatment of the patient must come first and that includes the mental well-being of that patient. Respecting the wishes of your loved one will be appreciated more than you could possibly know and will go a long way in helping with the patient’s recovery.