I was recently reading an article about Mary Murphy, one of the judges on the show, “So You Think You Can Dance”, about her experiences as a domestic abuse survivor following a 9-year marriage.  One of the recurring themes in such stories is connected to the shame that a woman or man feels when they are in an abusive situation and I know from my own personal experience what that is like. 

The shame appears in many different forms.  For me, I felt that I was a fairly well-educated person who should have been smart enough never to have gotten into such a relationship in the first place.  But, it didn’t take long for me to understand that when you love someone, so many things that you would normally see were the situation being viewed from the outside are never even noticed when you are in the middle of it.  After all, here was this attractive guy who was interested in me and who thought that I was someone special.  Wow, no one else has ever seen me in that way and how could I not love this?  And when he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, I felt like the most fortunate person in the world.

For Mary, the abuse began 3 months into the marriage.  For me, it was 4 months.  For her, she initially tried to fight back but it took only being hit for the first time that I learned that would never be a good idea.  I quickly realized that any challenge would bring additional consequences and if I did as I was told, things would be a lot easier for me.  Of course, that didn’t mean that everything went smoothly from there.  There were always the times when I was attacked and would find myself with a loaded gun in my face just because he believed in his less than sober state that I had done something wrong or that I was thinking the wrong thoughts.  It didn’t take long to figure out that he was the one who was cheating on me and that he felt that if he came home and went on the offensive by attacking me, he would never have to deal with any of the consequences for his bad behavior.  He was right and in fact, I began to pray that he would find someone else and just leave me for her but no such luck.

The other part of the shame results in the silence that comes with these situations.  For me, my in-laws knew what was going on.  The only thing that my father-in-law ever said was had he known that we were planning to get married (we eloped), he would have tried to talk me out of doing so.  But, my mother-in-law thought that the sun rose and set on her only child and she blamed me for any and all problems that were occurring in the marriage.  And I believed her.  Therefore, I couldn’t tell anyone about the failure that I was and I had to find a way to fix everything.  After all, when you are still young and in your 20’s, you believe those adults who are older and more experienced.

It took me 10 years to finally leave even though I was promised that I would be hunted down and killed if I ever did so.  After I left, I learned that everyone knew what was going on but no one said a word.  Actually, I was grateful that they hadn’t because it may have made my life even harder within that marriage had anyone tried to intercede on my behalf.  And if someone had stepped in and been injured or worse, as a result, I would have lived with the guilt forever.

With time and talking to others, the shame has gone away.  I have learned that had I chosen to do so, I could have found a friend in whom I could have safely confided. I could have found a way to safely get away and I could have found the resources that would have allowed me to make a new start.  And for anyone reading this blog, you can, too.  There are many, many of us out here who have traveled the road on which you currently find yourself.  We know that there is no reason to be ashamed about the place in which you find yourself.  And we want you to know that there is help available.  If you can’t or don’t want to turn to your family and/or friends, you may want to contact the organization, Safe Horizon, at the email address shown here: http://www.safehorizon.org/.  Help is available if you choose it.  And you have absolutely nothing for which to feel any shame.  You have not done anything wrong.

I always love your comments.

“So You Think You Can Dance” choreographer Tyce DiOrio created an unbelievably moving dance routine for this week’s episode centered on a woman with breast cancer. The number was performed by Ade (pronounced Ah-day) and Melissa who danced so beautifully that everyone, including all of the judges, was moved to tears.

As was discussed collectively in comments from judges Nigel Lythgoe, Mary Murphy, Mia Michaels, and Ellen DeGeneres, just about everyone knows a woman who has been affected by breast cancer. So many of these women fight the fight to survive and keep trying to assure their loved ones that they will make it and that they should not worry about them. And as I sat and watched, I was so moved that I missed so much of the dance and the commentary that I had to wait and watch the piece over again. Thank heavens that I had recorded the show and although a number of friends had asked me whether I had watched the show, I explained that I hadn’t been able to do so and they alerted me that something very special had occurred and that they wanted to know what I thought about it once I had a chance to see it. But no one told me exactly what to expect.

I suppose that I was especially touched because I had just returned from a visit to my doctor earlier in the day for a pre-op exam and a trip to the lab for tests in advance of my fourth surgery in connection with my own breast cancer. The surgery is scheduled for Thursday, July 30th which is the two-year anniversary of the first day that I walked into my doctor’s office after having discovered a mass in my breast. It was after the discovery of cancer again just a little more than 4 months after my first surgery that my husband inspired me to write a weekly blog and to create this website where my main goal has been for others to come and write and share so that those who are fighting cancer, those who have become survivors and those who are the loved ones of both survivors and those who lost their battles know that we are here to help them and to let them know that we are all in this together.

I am so impressed that Tyce DiOrio was able to bring the world of dance together with the message of the devastation of breast cancer and the effect that it has on everyone who becomes a part of this story. The portrayal of the support that is provided by family and friends and caregivers to the cancer patient is one that cannot be overemphasized. There are absolutely no words that can ever be spoken or written to tell our supporters what they mean to us. I know from my own experiences that without my husband, my journey down this path may not have had such a successful outcome. So thank you to all of those involved who moved this story to the forefront through dance and to all of those of you who have written with your support and for those who have been inspired by the sharing of our individual stories. Standing together, we can truly all make a difference.

I’ve added the video for those who would love to watch it again. After you watch it, I would love to know how it touched you.

I would love your comment on how this beautiful dance touched you.