So, you have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and you are facing a double mastectomy and reconstruction along with a parathyroid/thyroid surgery at some point.  What do you do?  Yes, I did go to Disneyland. But, if you are me and you have the most supportive and awesome husband imaginable, you start writing a weekly blog.  You see, Kirk kept nudging me to write about my experiences and he promised that he would create and manage a website for me where I could write about anything that I wanted and he would take care of the rest.

Today is the 52^nd blog for year four.  Through a total of 4 surgeries for 6 separate procedures, we never missed so much as 1 weekly blog in all of that time.  I am feeling so very proud of that accomplishment and the commitment that it took to make it happen, not only on my part but also on Kirk’s part.  But, I must say that this would never have reached this 4-year anniversary if it were not for all of the wonderful people and all of the support that I have received from the social media community.  There are so many people that I have met initially on Facebook and Twitter and even MySpace who will be friends forever.  I have been invited into so many homes and lives that I would never have known if it were not for so many wonderful experiences that I have had in the cyber world.  And if it were not for Kirk’s gentle prodding, there is no way that I would have become a part of the social media world.

Therefore, as we kick off year 5 next week, I was trying to think about what I could do in order to recognize some of those wonderful people who have been so special and supportive to me and for whom I am so very grateful.  As a result, I have created the “Gratitootie Award” that will recognize each week one very special person who has made a difference in my life.  I am looking forward to recognizing these people who may not even realize what a difference they have made by sharing their own special story or who may have provided support in ways they may never have even realized.

I know that I will never be able to acknowledge every single person for whom I am grateful and I am sure that you may also have special people whom you have met as a result of their connection to the social media world that you would also like to acknowledge so please stay tuned for further details later in 2012 to find out how you, too, can have those people to whom you are so grateful receive a Gratitootie Award.

As for me, I would love to thank each and every person who has become a part of my cyber world and to let you know what a difference you have made.  If it were not for you and this most wonderful opportunity to share here with you, I know that my life and my future would never have had the most fabulous outlook that I am visualizing.  You have given me a purpose that I would otherwise never have known and a venue for sharing that has allowed me to know that I am not alone in my experiences and what I have shared has made a difference for all of use. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

As we wind down on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I began to think about some of the real issues for a person diagnosed with breast cancer.  We are very fortunate in this country to have such great medical care available to everyone.  We now are providing testing and care while continuing to do research to find a cure, much of which is funded by all of the contributions made to various organizations during October.  I am personally so grateful for the wonderful doctors and the care and treatment

I suppose the easiest thing to do is to think about what you would want and need from your family and friends if it were you that received this diagnosis.  Every person will act and react differently but for me, respect regarding how I chose to handle things was most important to me.  I did not want others to know about it until after the surgery was over.  Therefore, I would not allow my husband or those at work who needed to know to share this information with anyone.  In retrospect, that was a big mistake on my part as I took away from my husband the opportunity for him to handle this news in the best way possible for him which may have been to have an outlet to discuss it with others who could provide him with the support that he needed.  I should have allowed for him to have those discussions but just indicated that I did not want anyone else to talk to me about what was happening.

I think that most people are willing to help another person who has received such a diagnosis in any way that they can but they just don’t know what to do or say.  I would just indicate that you are available to assist in any way that you can and then take a step back.  Let the person know whether you are willing and available to take them to doctor appointments (and there will be tons of those) if they want.  At the times of surgeries and other treatments where they are not able to function as usual, things such as providing a meal or helping with child care or just spending time with them is appreciated, if that is what is needed.  You will know best about what you can do and what the patient would like or need based upon an individual assessment of the situation.

Most important at this time is allowing the patient to talk about and do as much as they wish.  If a patient wants to talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc., just listen.  They will tell you what they want you to know.  Limit questions to things like how you can help rather than pushing them to talk or asking medical questions and personal questions which they would prefer not to discuss for any number of reasons.  Being sensitive to the position in which this person finds herself will lead you to know what to do and say.

For some people, try as they might, when they hear that someone they know and love has received a cancer diagnosis, they will head for the hills.  I know that I can’t understand this because it is not something that I could do but I know that it does happen and it happens more often than you might think.   My only suggestion is that others around this patient may have to step up and do double duty, especially if the person who can’t handle the news is a spouse, a close family member or friend on whom the patient was counting.  It is hard enough to go through all of the steps necessary to recover from cancer let alone to lose your emotional support at the same time.  And when all else fails, be sure that the patient’s doctors know what is happening so that they can find a way to provide for the patient’s needs in this arena, too.

More than likely, until we find a cure for cancer, every single one of us will encounter a situation where someone we know is dealing with cancer.  The most important thing is to do only what you want to do for if you do provide help out of a sense of obligation, you will resent it and that resentment will be recognized by the patient.  Caring and love and prayers are always greatly appreciated and anything else above and beyond that is just icing on the cake.  And when in doubt, just allow the patient to take the lead.  The most important thing for the patient will always be the knowing that help and support is available, if needed, and if you are not in a position to provide that help then perhaps you can assist in finding other sources who are able to do so.  After all, we all just want to help one another.

I recently received the most amazing story of struggle and survival of a woman who has faced abuse and I would like to share the abbreviated version here.

My name is Jess. I am 29 years old. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I overdosed 12 times my last two being the worse. I woke up on a vent both times. I have been a “cutter” since as long as I can remember. I cut, burn, anything to hurt myself.  My last overdose was Nov. 5, 2009.  I have not cut or burned myself since then. I still have flashbacks of past abuse and still struggle with things… but I find other ways to cope now… and it’s not always easy. I didn’t know how much detail to go into. I just found this site. But I want you to share my story and I will be available for anyone who wants to contact me as helping others is what keeps me going. :>)  jjess2630@aol.com

I can’t begin to imagine what this woman has already gone through and has not only survived but wants to help others.  I do understand what she says about helping others as something that keeps her going.  I have lived that exact same experience in so many ways.  After leaving my abusive situation, I did not receive help or counseling so I carried all of it with me for more years than I care to remember.  It wasn’t until I started talking about what had happened and started sharing my story with others that I was able to deal with the past.

I am so grateful that Jess found this site and has offered to help others.  She has had experiences that I can’t even begin to imagine and I know that there are others out there who know what Jess has experienced because they have gone down the same road.  Her story lets those who can relate know that there is always a way out, that there is always someone who can and will help in their own way and I am so glad that Jess has chosen to join me and all of the other survivors who are here and willing to reach out to help others who have either successfully left their abusive situation or are looking for a way to do so.

I encourage you to contact Jess if you would like to share with her.  I also encourage anyone else who would like to share their story with me in order that it can be shared with others either to just let them know that they are not alone, or if you choose, to share so that I can let others know about you and your desire to help in any way that you can.  I have found that the more that we tell our stories, the more that we are personally helped by the sharing.  By sharing, we are also helping others to overcome.

Abuse doesn’t need to be kept as a deep, dark secret.  We have nothing to hide, nothing of which to be ashamed, nothing that should diminish us.  We have been used, abused, taken advantaged of and we didn’t do a single thing to deserve it except to believe the abuser.  It doesn’t matter whether we were abused because we thought we loved the person who abused us or if we were abused because we were threatened by harm to ourselves and/or the ones we love or a combination of both.  We were hurt in ways that others will never be able to understand and we can choose to finally speak out and help others.  If we can save even one person from being abused or further abused, then we will have accomplished something that perhaps no other person would ever be able to do.  Just know that Jess and I and a whole bunch of other survivors are here for you if you wish to contact us.

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I suppose my most recent shopping expedition is the catalyst for my current musings regarding originality.  I was searching for a new black blouse, a very simple item in my mind.  However, after looking at literally thousands of offerings over the last several months on so many different websites and searching the local stores, I have come up empty-handed.  What I have pretty much learned is that if I want anything, being it this blouse, or just about any other item, is that unless it is one of a very limited number of current styles, I am out of luck.

This precipitated my taking a look at many other things around me.  I am a real TV lover and I started to look at the programming being offered.  The more that I looked for something new and different, the more I kept finding the same shows with a slightly different approach.  I saw the same things with the movies and in politics and in the conversations with family and friends and co-workers.  The most important theme that I saw repeated in just about every arena that I explored was that being an individual, being different, being unique and allowing that uniqueness to show was not acceptable.  Most people, in all areas of their lives, put the greatest emphasis on being part of the crowd, supported the beliefs of those with whom they chose to associate and found it most important to dress like everyone else and frequent those places where they looked like everyone around them.

How sad!  Each of us is so unique and has so much to offer as the person that we are.  Why do we give away our power and uniqueness to a mob mentality?  Why are we so afraid to be ourselves, to embrace our individuality?  Why are we so afraid to have our own beliefs while still being willing to listen to those of others?  Why do we choose to believe all of those things that were taught to us?  Why do we refuse to stand on our own two feet?  I think that the answer is pretty clear.  It is easier to go along with everyone else rather than to stand alone.  After all, what will other people say if we think differently, believe differently, act differently and do differently?

Well, I know that I have had enough of the mediocrity that has been generated by such group behavior.  I am different than anyone else.  So what?  Everyone else is uniquely different, too.  I have my own way of thinking and of seeing things?  So does everyone else based upon their upbringing and life experiences.  Does that mean that I can’t have my own points of view and ideas that might be worth considering?  That would be saying that I have never had a great idea and never will.  I want to make a difference for others in a positive way but how can I do that if I am afraid to share my ideas for fear that others won’t like them?  And if I do share and others don’t embrace those ideas, does that mean that I should give up?  I just can’t do that.

Maybe part of my own originality is that I believe that if you want to make a difference for yourself or anyone else, you have to believe in yourself and know that if you pursue your dreams and put in the work necessary, you can achieve any goal that you wish.  I need to embrace my originality as I never have done before if I want to achieve my goals.  Of course, I do realize that I can’t do everything by myself but if I can’t find others who share my goals or don’t see the visions that I have, then I need to find others who do or find a different way of approaching the goals.  And I will succeed.  I know that my uniqueness can bring positive help and hope to others and I will find the ways to make that happen.  Otherwise, all of the personal experiences that I have had and all the things that I have learned along the way will have been for nothing.  What a waste that would be.

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One of the greatest lessons that I have learned in my life is the value of teamwork.  It is what I consider to be the best solution to any task, question, situation, endeavor, etc. that may come my way.  This does not mean that I don’t work independently and find that in many situations that I can complete a task on my own.  But the value of teamwork will outweigh an independent decision just about any time.

When we choose to work with others, we receive the values of the perceptions of others, their experience, their know-how and their expertise.  Every one on a team brings their history to the table.  If there is a problem to be solved or a new task to be undertaken, a team of people has so much more knowledge and experience than one individual can ever have.  To collectively consider a variety of viewpoints brings so much more to a resolution that just one person independently.

The most important factor in teamwork is the motivation of each of the team members.  There may be situations where one or more of the people are fighting for the power to run the project.  There may be someone whose motivation is to receive all of the credit.  There may be a person who has all of the answers all of the time.  There may be someone who does not care to share his information.  And there may be those who do not wish for the project to succeed especially if they feel that they were not invited to the table in the right way or if they feel that what they have to contribute is not valued.  In such situations, the most important thing to do is to listen carefully to all of the information that is provided.  If the project is yours and no one can reach a consensus on any of the points, the best solution is to extract whatever information that you can to expand your database and put together the best possible answer or solution or new project that you can.

However, the best situations is that all of the team members are focused on the outcome of the situation or project being the very best that the collective can create.  When you have team members who can work through a situation without individual ego being a factor, you will produce the very best results that that team can possibly create.  It will be the team that will celebrate and give credit to all of the members and not just point out what everyone contributed individually.  And each time that the group can reach a consensus, that is a major victory because it means that each team member is willing to look at various viewpoints and make a decision on what is perceived as best by everyone.

If you would like to try out this teamwork concept, if it is unfamiliar to you, start on a small basis with one question to someone else whom you trust.  Ask that person a question and carefully listen to what and how they answer.  Do not share or defend any idea that you may already have. Rather, ask yourself if they showed you a viewpoint that you had not considered.  If you don’t know whether their solution will work, repeat the process by asking another person or research the information provided for yourself.  Only after considering one or more other solutions should you bring back your idea.  At this point is when you decide whether someone else had a better idea or if you have the better solution or if the answer is really a combination of other people’s ideas combined with your own.  You will soon recognize what teamwork can do to help you reach the best possible solution and you will be willing to freely incorporate others’ ideas without personality or ego entering into the picture.

Share how you implement teamwork in your life.  COMMENTS

I am very fortunate to work for a company that supports volunteering in the community as a way to give back.  Included in the various programs where we can help is a group who knits or crochets or quilts or purchases blankets for children in crisis.  This was of particular interest to me as a domestic abuse survivor because I do believe that the greatest victims of abuse are the children.  As a thank you to the blanket makers, our company recently held a luncheon for us and included in the guests were representatives from the organization, My Stuff Bags Foundation, who are one of the recipients of the blankets that we create.  I was so moved by their work that I felt compelled to share it with you.

I have learned that each year more than 300,000 children all across America must be rescued from terrible situations of abuse and neglect.  Often they are taken with no more than the clothes on their backs (and not even that for children taken from homes with meth labs).  Can you imagine the fear that children would experience being removed from their homes or sometimes from their schools, put into police cars and taken away to overcrowded strange places where they know no one and have little or nothing of their own belongings?  That is why the My Stuff Bags Foundation was created.  For each child that is rescued from dangerous home environments, they are given a blue duffel bag that contains at least a plastic bag with personal toiletries, a stuffed animal and a security blanket of their very own.  To think that a blanket that I made may end up as the most important possession to some child tonight just brings tears to my eyes.

That is why I am sending this message out to all of you who might be able to make or purchase a blanket to give to this organization.  I remember times like when I was recovering from breast cancer surgery where it was probably as important to me to have something to do like making a blanket rather than focusing on the cancer. Just to be doing something that was so very important and appreciated had its own healing effects on me.   So if you are interested in volunteering in this way, go online for more information at www.mystuffbags.org for more information.  What a great way to help without having to leave home!

For others who would like to volunteer without leaving home, I would suggest that you contact your favorite organization or charity and find out what you may be able to contribute through the use of your computer, as an example.  Your organization may need help in sending out fund raising letters or notes and emails to people in crisis that will let them know that someone cares.  You might be able to solicit volunteers to help out at the organization’s location or come up with a variety of other ideas.  It is so rewarding and fulfilling to help others and to give back to your community and even if you can’t leave home for any number of reasons, that doesn’t mean that you are not a valuable resource for others.  Give it a try!  I promise that you won’t be sorry.

Share ways that you volunteer.  COMMENTS

One of the single most important things that I have learned since writing my very first blog is that by telling my story, I am helping other people who have been or currently are in the same circumstances that I have experienced.  I have also learned that once other people read or heard your story and know that others have been down the same road and survived, they know that they are not alone and that there are other people out there who are willing to provide support for them.  The amazing thing that you will also find is that you are also helping yourself by sharing your story because you are releasing some, if not all, of the pent up emotions that are associated with that time and space in your life.

Everyone has a story.  It doesn’t matter whether it is something that occurred in your childhood or just happened last week.  You have succeeded in overcoming something in your life and we want to share that here with those who may be dealing with the same thing at this very moment.  Each success that you have had just shows you the true inner strength that you possess and by sharing those successes with others, it will assist others in learning from your experiences so that they can succeed, too.

To that end, I would appreciate it if you would provide your stories to me by clicking on the special icon provided below.  Your stories will be shared without providing any information about you personally unless you notify me at the end of your story that you would like to make yourself available to anyone who may have questions or would like to speak with you directly.

We are all in this life together and we can make a real difference by being willing to help each other.  It doesn’t cost you a dime to help and you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home.  But what you are contributing to help others is invaluable and appreciated so much more than you will ever know.  And just think how you would feel if by telling your own story, you helped at least one other person.  There is nothing more valuable in this world that you could ever receive.

Next Friday, January 22^nd, will mark the 2^nd anniversary of my writing this weekly blog.  Now while to many this may not seem to be any big accomplishment, it truly is a major milestone for me.  The main reason for that is that I came to this task kicking and screaming, in my own way.  I really didn’t think that I wanted to do it but my husband, Kirk, kept insisting that I do so and he made me an offer that I couldn’t refuse.  If I did the writing, he would build and maintain the website for me. 

Looking back now, I can’t believe how much I have changed over those two years as a result of this undertaking.  I had just been diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer and this time it would result in a double mastectomy.  I just checked back to see what I wrote about in that first blog to find out that it was titled “Getting Started” and I talked about creating happiness.  How things have taken a different direction from what I conceived at that time.

From there, I began to write about some very special people who had subsequently passed away from Kirk’s and my life in rapid succession with the fourth one being my younger brother who died on the operating table during his 14^th cancer-related surgery, just 4 weeks before my own scheduled surgery.  I think that may have been the turning point for me. I wanted, in fact, I needed to keep writing in order to keep my focus on something other than my own situation.  And the more I wrote, the more I was rewarded with not only a sense of accomplishment but also to an awakening that I had buried deep inside of myself the 10 years of domestic abuse that I had endured and that needed to be resurrected and addressed.

My original thinking was that once I had finally reached the end of my reconstruction surgery and recovery, I would stop writing.  However, I have made so many new “friends” on the social networks who by telling me how much they appreciated what I was doing and how much they needed to hear from someone who “understood” what they were going through in their own cancer and/or domestic violence battles, this is no longer an option.  Furthermore, the writing has helped me in a ways that I had never imagined.  Not only have I received so much support and encouragement from so many wonderful people whom I have never met but also the writing has helped me to dig deep down inside to discover so many more things about myself.

Therefore, I will be inaugurating my third year next week with a renewed spirit and the hope of making our communications with one another more meaningful than ever.  In addition, Kirk is very busy working on the launch of a brand-new website with a whole new look where I will be able to share with everyone some new features currently in development  that I hope you will check out.

Thank you so very much to every single one of you who has connected with me during the past two years.  You have made more of a difference in my life than you will ever know and I am eternally grateful.

I always love your comments.

Every year, the holiday season comes and goes so very quickly and each year I promise myself that I am not going to have that happen again without enjoying the season to its fullest.  To that end, I have officially declared the coming week to be Wind Down Week wherein I will complete every non-holiday project that I can and anything that does not get done will have to wait until next year.  Let me explain how this will work.

I have a holiday tradition that actually starts on Thanksgiving.  Every year, I put up all of the Christmas decorations including the tree (artificial now that I live in Southern CA and everything dries out so quickly) before Thanksgiving.  Then on Thanksgiving night, I light the tree and the candles in the windows to inaugurate the holiday season and enjoy the pumpkin pie while watching “Miracle on 34^th Street” and “White Christmas”. 

Now this is a great start to the season.  However, by the next day, it is back to normal with doing the housework, cleaning closets, reorganizing everything to accommodate the empty boxes that hold the decorations, etc.  But, it is my belief that if I eliminate a lot of these non-holiday activities, I will be able to do holiday things that I have not done for years.

Due to time constraints each year, partly which result from a full-time job, I have been shopping online for everyone’s gifts.  Now while I will still do some of that this year and will use the internet to search for ideas, I need to return to the malls and enjoy the beautiful decorations  and all of the music that is played and seeing the faces of the little children as they stand in line to visit Santa and tell him about their special wishes. That is all a part of putting me into the mood of the season.  A part of this fun experience is also enjoying a bite to eat at a local restaurant afterward so I will also make arrangements to do that, too, most likely with my husband or with a special friend, if Kirk is not available. 

Now, I don’t mind a little hustle and bustle but taking into account that that might be more than I would want to deal with on a weekend, I have scheduled a couple of vacation days away from work for just this kind of activity.  I also plan to use some of that time to do something else that I haven’t done for years and that is to bake Christmas cookies.  The wonderful smells coming from the kitchen from doing the baking while playing lots of holiday music really lifts my spirits and adds to the sense of accomplishment when the job is done and I look at all of my fine masterpieces.

My weekends at home will be spent doing some online shopping, making lists of gifts for family and friends, writing our holiday greetings and ordering our meals to be delivered while watching holiday movies the whole time.  My goal is to enjoy the season and that includes a greater focus than ever on giving to those who feed the poor, to support our local stores and restaurants in these tough economic times and to give special gifts to my family and friends that have been either carefully made or selected and that were chosen from the heart.  Yes, I am sure that this will be the best holiday season ever.

How will you enjoy the holiday season? COMMENTS

Earlier this week, I watched some of the coverage of the devastation from the earthquakes and tsunamis in the regions of Indonesia and those sights were totally surreal.  I watched local coverage of those people who lost family and friends in those parts of the world and couldn’t begin to imagine what they were feeling.  And then my mind wandered to thoughts of how everything can be changed forever in a single moment and how fragile life really is.

Many turned away from the news stories and buried themselves in other programming but I don’t really think that it is because they didn’t care or weren’t concerned because it didn’t happen in their areas.  I think that it was because they didn’t want to confront the reality of the devastation, the loss of so many lives, the extent of injuries and the photos of all of the people who did survive who were left without homes and food and water and had no idea of how they could possibly keep going.  And then I couldn’t help but wonder, what if something like that had happened to me today?

I know how truly fortunate I am.  I know that the most important thing in my life has always been and will always be other people.  I have the best husband in the world and I absolutely treasure the person that he is and the love and caring that he gives to me every single day.  I have only a few family members left and they live on the other side of the country but I know that they are always there for us and that is something that money can’t buy.  I have wonderful friends and co-workers and we all look out for one another.  All of that means more to me than I could ever express.  And that is when I realized that if something like a devastating earthquake happened in my area today, as long as my husband and our families and friends all made it through, we would be just fine.

The reason I know that is that I have seen the power of people united before.  I have seen people gather and help one another at times of crisis.  No, I am not naïve enough to believe that everyone is that way.  I have seen the other side of humanity at times like the Los Angeles riots in the early 90′s.  But, even at that time when I was living alone, I did have three other friends who had joined me in my home and we all hung in there together until the immediate dangers had past and it was once again safe to leave the area.  And when we left, one of those friends took me to his family’s home where I stayed until it was safe to return to my own place.

It was in that moment when I realized that should some major event occur in my area, I really had nothing to fear.  As has happened in the past, I would once again be surrounded by people who would all help each other, those who quite often put the safety of others ahead of their own, those who have compassion and caring to soothe those who are frightened and those who would contribute everything they have to the good of everyone around them.  After all, I truly believe that this is the nature of most human beings and in times of crisis, everyone helps everyone else in whatever manner they can.

I would love your comments.