Compassion is defined by Dictionary.com as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. That sounds about right to me. In situation like natural disasters, we all feel so very sorry for those affected and we reach into our pockets to make donations to relief efforts to help to the best of our abilities. However, in situations where a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or a colleague loses his job or a friend is going through an ugly divorce, the lines are not so easily defined.

The problem is not with the first part of this definition. Regardless of the situation, we do have “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow” for the other person. But the confusion arises when we try to put into play our “strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. Let’s take the example of a loved one being diagnosed with cancer. We may have had a personal experience with dealing with cancer or we may know someone else who has. The first thing that we want to do is share our personal experiences because we are sure that by doing so, we are helping the other person. But, this is anything but the best approach.

Each person’s experience and reaction is as uniquely different as is our own fingerprint. When a person is diagnosed with cancer, the last thing that is needed is for someone to start telling them what they should do, how they should be thinking, what the best course of action will be and what course of treatment will be the best. And despite what anyone else advises, true compassion will only come if you allow your loved one to deal with the situation in only one way and that is the way that the patient chooses. True compassion comes with your standing by them to help and support them in any way possible with a closed mouth that allows for not telling them what to do. This is a medical situation and therefore, it should be dealt with by helping the patient to secure medical assistance from someone that they trust and letting the medical decisions be decided between the doctor(s) and the patient.

This may be the toughest thing that a person will ever have to experience but you will be of most value and assistance to your loved one by being a good listener and providing whatever other assistance that you can for them and their family. If you are asked for your opinion, even if you have had a similar experience, try to gently explain that you have such a limited perspective and that they would probably do best by asking the same questions of medical personnel who have had extensive experience with lots of people in this arena. You might offer to go along to the doctor’s office for appointments so that you can take notes on what is being discussed so that you have as accurate information as possible but you will do your loved one and yourself the biggest favor by not being part of any decision to be made.

I know that I was very fortunate in this arena as my husband and those few people around me who did know what was happening did not try to force their ideas, opinions, thoughts, directions, etc. on me but allowed me to make my own decisions because that is what I wanted to do. I was the one who had cancer and if I made a wrong decision about a course of action or treatment, it was my choice and no one else would ever have had to feel guilty if something they advised had been my ultimate choice and something had gone wrong. That was the ultimate way in which I could be compassionate to those who were also suffering because of my cancer.

As we wind down on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I began to think about some of the real issues for a person diagnosed with breast cancer.  We are very fortunate in this country to have such great medical care available to everyone.  We now are providing testing and care while continuing to do research to find a cure, much of which is funded by all of the contributions made to various organizations during October.  I am personally so grateful for the wonderful doctors and the care and treatment

I suppose the easiest thing to do is to think about what you would want and need from your family and friends if it were you that received this diagnosis.  Every person will act and react differently but for me, respect regarding how I chose to handle things was most important to me.  I did not want others to know about it until after the surgery was over.  Therefore, I would not allow my husband or those at work who needed to know to share this information with anyone.  In retrospect, that was a big mistake on my part as I took away from my husband the opportunity for him to handle this news in the best way possible for him which may have been to have an outlet to discuss it with others who could provide him with the support that he needed.  I should have allowed for him to have those discussions but just indicated that I did not want anyone else to talk to me about what was happening.

I think that most people are willing to help another person who has received such a diagnosis in any way that they can but they just don’t know what to do or say.  I would just indicate that you are available to assist in any way that you can and then take a step back.  Let the person know whether you are willing and available to take them to doctor appointments (and there will be tons of those) if they want.  At the times of surgeries and other treatments where they are not able to function as usual, things such as providing a meal or helping with child care or just spending time with them is appreciated, if that is what is needed.  You will know best about what you can do and what the patient would like or need based upon an individual assessment of the situation.

Most important at this time is allowing the patient to talk about and do as much as they wish.  If a patient wants to talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc., just listen.  They will tell you what they want you to know.  Limit questions to things like how you can help rather than pushing them to talk or asking medical questions and personal questions which they would prefer not to discuss for any number of reasons.  Being sensitive to the position in which this person finds herself will lead you to know what to do and say.

For some people, try as they might, when they hear that someone they know and love has received a cancer diagnosis, they will head for the hills.  I know that I can’t understand this because it is not something that I could do but I know that it does happen and it happens more often than you might think.   My only suggestion is that others around this patient may have to step up and do double duty, especially if the person who can’t handle the news is a spouse, a close family member or friend on whom the patient was counting.  It is hard enough to go through all of the steps necessary to recover from cancer let alone to lose your emotional support at the same time.  And when all else fails, be sure that the patient’s doctors know what is happening so that they can find a way to provide for the patient’s needs in this arena, too.

More than likely, until we find a cure for cancer, every single one of us will encounter a situation where someone we know is dealing with cancer.  The most important thing is to do only what you want to do for if you do provide help out of a sense of obligation, you will resent it and that resentment will be recognized by the patient.  Caring and love and prayers are always greatly appreciated and anything else above and beyond that is just icing on the cake.  And when in doubt, just allow the patient to take the lead.  The most important thing for the patient will always be the knowing that help and support is available, if needed, and if you are not in a position to provide that help then perhaps you can assist in finding other sources who are able to do so.  After all, we all just want to help one another.

On January 22, 2008, I wrote my first weekly blog.  After several months of “encouragement” from my husband, Kirk, I sat down to write about what I was thinking after a second diagnosis of breast cancer  Never in my wildest imagination did I think that I would write each week for 3 full years and that I would have made such wonderful new friends here with whom I have so much in common.  Nor did I think that my site would.

On January 22, 2009, I wrote about a most wonderful group of young men who were high school, male, lacrosse players.  I was working with them in their new community service program wherein they were raising funds for breast cancer testing by walking 5,200 miles – the equivalent of a round trip from Los Angeles to New York City and back.  Imagine a group of teenage male athletes raising funds to help pay for breast cancer testing for those who could not afford it. 

On January 22, 2010, I walked out of my cosmetic surgeon’s office for the final time (other than regularly scheduled annual visits) following the reconstruction surgeries that I had undergone following my two rounds of breast cancer surgeries.  In celebration thereof, Kirk had built a brand-new website for the inauguration of the third year of weekly blogs. 

On January 22, 2011, to celebrate the completion of yet another year of weekly blogs, we have created a new feature on the website.  As I continue to celebrate every single day of life by enjoying every opportunity to have fun and to share the moments with those around me, we are inaugurating “I’m Going to Let Life Happen Today by…” which is being hosted by my alter ego, Barbie.  Barbie will present a new message each week that will let you know how I am going to let life happen today in her own unique style.  I hope that you will click on the link and see what she has in the offing for this first week. 

Finally, I want to thank each and every person who has ever checked out my website, shared a comment and/or communicated with me over the last three years.  You have lifted my spirits, made me laugh, made me cry, caused me to think and inspired me in ways that you will never know.  And if I have done any of those same things for you or made a positive difference in any way, please know that I am truly grateful. 

And my biggest thank you must go out to Kirk.  From day one, he is the one who encouraged me to write, who designed the first website, who designed the second website, who does all of the maintenance on a daily basis and who created Barbie.  He is the one who was always at my side to do anything and everything possible as I dealt with the cancer.  But, most importantly, he has provided a loving and positive forum for my sharing with anyone who may be interested in knowing that we humans can do anything that we truly want to do and we always have those who are willing to assist us in our endeavors, no matter how hard they may seem to be.  That is why I know that love truly does conquer all and he has shared that love with not only me but with all of us.

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As I pondered the blogs from the last several weeks about domestic violence, I started to think about how we all treat one another.  While certainly there are incidences where people act out against strangers, generally speaking, I am referring to how we treat those who are close to us, and more specifically, those to whom we refer to as a “friend”.  While there are those who are family, co-workers, associates and

If you are my friend, I have no expectations about our relationship.  I know that we are two individuals who will never think or be the same and that is as it should be.  I will never tell you how you should think or act or conduct yourself and I expect the same in return.  If you ask me my opinion about something, I will tell you how I personally would handle a certain situations but I am not in a position to tell you what you should do as I have never walked a mile in your shoes.  And I expect that I will not always be in agreement with the choices of my friends but I back them 100% in their choices as long as they are not doing something to purposely hurt someone else. 

If you are my friend, I am there to help.  If you need someone to listen, I am there.  If you need help in any other way, I will do my best to assist.  If you are in trouble, you can call on me and know that I am there for you.  I neither ask nor want anything in return.  But I do expect that if I need help, my friends will be there for me and for those that they call “friend”. 

If you are my friend, there are no judgments.  I would hope that my friends would never do anything to hurt me or harm me and they can expect the same from me, too.  Friends are very special and treasured people who mutually love and respect one another.  Friends are those who are fun to be with and who know private portions of us that most others do not.  Friends are those who have our best interests at heart and are those who truly love us.  And friends are those who, if we make a mistake or do something that has hurt them, will give us a second chance and the opportunity to apologize. 

I must say that at one point, I dismissed someone that I had called “friend”.  I had noticed that she only came around when she wanted something and in further discussions with mutual friends, I learned that she was doing the same to them within their own spheres of influence.  But that certainly is the exception.  I do find that I tend to trust people until such time as they do something for me to lose that trust but normally that will occur long before I am at the point where someone is actually someone I consider to be a friend. 

Yes, if you are my friend, you will know it.  You are someone who is so special to me that I want to celebrate you including on the holidays and your birthday.  You are someone with whom I want to stay in contact and share our experiences in any way that we can.  I also know and understand that there will be times when we do not hear from one another for a long time and that is just fine.  As friends, we know that we are still there for one another and will catch up when time allows. 

Now, as the holidays are fast approaching, I need to get back to doing some shopping for gifts for my friends which is where the whole idea for this blog began.  See, that is just one more way that shows how helpful my friends really are to me?

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In a recent discussion with a friend, we were brainstorming ideas about how to approach a certain project that I was going to undertake.  But, before I knew it, she was telling me exactly the approach that I should take, how I should go about laying it out, how I should measure the accomplishment of my goals and the manner in which I should structure a timeline for completion.  As I sat there listening to her, I suddenly realized that I did not appreciate what she was doing and the fact that as she had no real idea about the underlying results that I wanted to achieve, how could she dictate what should be done.

I did hear her out and walked away from her vowing never to bring her into such a discussion again.  That made me a little sad because I knew that by not consulting with her in the future, I may miss out on a brilliant idea that I may not otherwise have considered.  I guess I was just trying to determine where the line needs to be drawn in such situations.

As I pondered this for awhile, I realized that I had taken her behavior very personally.  And the longer I thought about it, the angrier I got.  If this were the first project that I had ever undertaken for myself, then I might have appreciated the guidance through the various logistical steps.  But such was not the case and I had already established a great reputation for myself based upon my past efforts.  So I went back to my original assessment of not asking her for any input in the future and I will tell you why.

No one knows me better than I know myself.  I know my personal experiences and I know what I have learned in the professional world as I have passed through many different experiences over the years.  And one thing that I have learned is that you never tell another person what to do.  Another person may not have had your same experiences so by telling them to do something in a particular way, they may have no frame of reference in which to do that.  Another reason is that when you sit down to share ideas, the goal is to do just that – come up with lots of different possibilities. And most importantly, when the friend is not someone who shares in doing the same types of projects that you are going to undertake, how can they outline what and how you should do it.

So, I am asking all of my family, friends, co-workers and other business colleagues to please not tell me what to do.  Please afford me the respect of sharing ideas and if you think I should be doing something differently than I am, there are lots of ways to help me out that are not disrespectful to me.  For me, the easiest is to say something like, “If it were me, I would …”.  You have not walked a mile in my shoes so you can’t possibly know what will work for me personally.  And I don’t know your particular experiences and how they may have affected you so I can’t tell you what will be the best course for you. 

And if I find myself headed down the path of telling someone else how they should feel or what they should do, I just remember an exchange that my sister and I recently had wherein we recalled something that our parents had said to us many years ago.  Our individual recollections were so totally different because of who we were, how we interacted with our parents and what we believed about ourselves as individuals at that time.  So trust your own instincts and make your decisions based upon what works best for you and you will never go wrong.  The smartest person you know does not know you better than you know yourself so they have no business telling you what to do either.

I would love your comments.

As I wrote last week, I have spent the last couple of weeks reflecting upon my life and one question had come to my mind – if I could have any ONE thing to come into my life at this moment, what would it be?  At the same time, I had asked you to answer the same question before I revealed my wish to you and I am grateful that I did as your responses confirmed that I really was on the right track.

For those who come here on a regular basis, you have already discovered that I am here for one purpose and that is to help and support anyone who would like to “talk”.  Each week, I discover more and more wonderful friends with whom I can share and understand some of our mutual experiences in life.  Regardless in which form they appear, mostly everyone has some things that have happened in their lives that they would like to share and discuss with others who have had the same experiences.  When you do, you don’t feel so alone or ashamed or isolated and so on.  This brings me to share with you what I want.

I want to have a life where I can spend my time in communications with those who need my help.  While I do not have a degree in psychology or psychiatry, I do believe that I am in a position to help in ways that no other person can because of my life experiences.  I know how hard it is to go inside and find the answers for questions that haven’t even been asked.  I know about the essential goodness in each person and the barriers that we create to protect ourselves.  I know how hard it is to create new habits wherein we realize we are not all of the awful things that someone has told us that we are.  And I know how rewarding it is to do the work necessary to create a new life for yourself that is built on self-love and self-respect.

The other part of this wish is that in order to do what I want, I need to find a way to make it my work on a full-time basis, not just when I can find some time during the day and on weekends.  And although at this moment I haven’t the slightest idea of how to make this happen, I know that there is a way and that the answer will come as always and more than likely, when I least expect it.  In the interim, I will do my best to keep up the correspondence with all that choose to write and I want you to know that for as much as you think that I have helped you, you can’t begin to imagine how much you have all helped me.  For that I thank you so very much and know that I am eternally grateful.

I would love your comments.

That’s correct! After a 5-year friendship, I received a call from someone who was planning to be in the area for the next few days and wanted to get together. I told her that I was not interested in doing so and after a brief discussion I wished her all the best for her future, told her that I had nothing more to say and that I was hanging up. And that is what I did. I knew that it was the right thing to do but I had surprised myself in actually doing so. And when I talked to Kirk about it, he reminded me that I had done this once before – almost 12 years ago. Wow, now I really had to figure this out.

I have known for some time that this friend only contacted me when she wanted something. I felt sorry for her as she seemed to go from one big problem to another. I tried to help her in any way that I could and soon realized that although she would come to me to find answers she continued the same old patterns. That was fine with me until I started to resent her taking my time, my efforts and a whole lot more and wasting it. When she chose to move out of state almost a year ago, I felt that my problem had been solved.

So when she called me out of the clear, blue sky, I just answered her truthfully and sent her on her way. And then I started to feel a bit guilty because I knew that she didn’t understand what had happened even though I did explain to her the reason behind my choice. I kept thinking about it and thinking about it and then decided that there was something that I had not learned when I had released another friend in the past.

I have since come to the realization that I had the answer inside if I would just stop and listen. Why in heaven’s name would I want to have a relationship let alone a friendship with a person from whom I do not want to hear? And why should I feel badly about letting go of someone whose treatment of me is not acceptable to me? Why should I put someone else’s feelings ahead of my own? This is not a difficult decision. If I don’t want to spend time or interact with someone else who would fall into the “friend” category, then just don’t do it.

I believe that everyone who comes into our lives is there for a reason and that sometimes a person is there only long enough to teach us a lesson. Had I learned that 12 years ago when I fired a friend, I would not have needed to repeat the same lesson. But, I guarantee that I have learned this time and now I can move on to something else knowing full well that my “friend” has also had an opportunity to learn something about her friendships. I hope that it works for her too, so that she does not have to repeat the same lesson.

In the meantime, I have made plans with some of my real friends with whom I really enjoy spending my time and I am so very grateful to have them in my life. And I will always spend the biggest moments in my life with my very best friend, my wonderful husband, Kirk! And that is exactly what works for me and I know deep down inside is exactly what is right for me.

I would love your comments.

Although the final count is not tallied, the Crespi Carmelite High School male lacrosse team raised more than $44,000.00 by the start of their premiere event that was held yesterday at the school. What an awesome result in only two months!

The guys will be sponsoring a variety of other events in their effort to raise $140,000.00 by the end of the year. They are also looking forward to meeting up with three other lacrosse teams in New York City on April 9th and walking the last 6.98 miles of their total goal of 5,500 miles which is the distance from the Brooklyn side of the Brooklyn Bridge to Time Square where they want to present a check to Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America”.

For those who missed it, the team had a very special last minute walker join their them.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIKaM0cnXrw]

Now despite all of his hard work, Guy was not successful in raising so much as a single dollar for his efforts. So he has decided to keep on walking and walking and walking until such time as he sees some positive results and can collect some funds in his name in support of this cause.

As soon as he is rested and can begin the next step on this journey, we will post more videos on his behalf so that you can see the progress that he is making.

If you care to donate some funds on behalf of Guy, please let me know by writing to letlifehappen@gmail.com and we will make the necessary arrangements for acceptance of your contribution. And if you would like to follow the progress of the team and their continued fund raising efforts, please log on to the website at www.crespi.dojiggy.com. This is only the beginning of the Coach’s Challenge where high school athletic teams throughout the country are being enlisted to join in this cause.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MEMBERS OF THE
CRESPI HIGH SCHOOL MALE LACROSSE TEAM

You don’t know me but you are my heroes. And if you are wondering why, I will tell you. I know about your great efforts to walk and to raise money for the “Walk Like A Man” Walk-a-thon for Breast Cancer Testing and Research. I know what it is like to have to devote so much of your time and effort to meet the challenges that have been given to you by your coaches for this project. And you have to do all of this in addition to your regular school work, your lacrosse practices and all of the responsibilities that you have at home and in other aspects of your personal life!

Well, that is what makes you special. That is what makes you heroes to those that you don’t know but who will be the recipients of the results of your special efforts. For the funds that you raise will be used to continue research and provide testing for those who otherwise would not be able to afford those tests.

I am a breast cancer survivor who was fortunate enough to have medical insurance that provided the testing that I needed. But I want you to know that it is not the surgeries that were the hard part of my experience. It was the not knowing what to do that was the hardest. As a result of being able to have the necessary testing, cancer patients, in conjunction with their medical doctors, have the information that they need in order to make educated choices about the best courses of treatment.

So when the going gets tough out there and it gets harder and harder to reach your goals, please remember that there are lots of us out here in your community who need you. Please remember that it is your efforts that will help to save our lives and many more lives in the future. And when you go to bed at night, you will know that there are people who look to you as heroes because you helped to save their lives. I think that you will be able to rest assured that although it may have been tough to do what was expected of you for this walk, it was all worthwhile knowing that you made such a huge difference. Your efforts are appreciated more than you will ever know.

I will be at your walk on February 14th and it is my goal to meet each one of you personally. I want to shake your hand and thank you and let you know what a privilege it is to meet such awesome guys who are such a positive representation of the hope for the future of this country.

For those of you who may be reading this letter who are not members of this team and are willing to help with this cause, please let me know at letlifehappen@gmail.com or go to the school’s website at www.crespi.dojiggy.com. Please help me to acknowledge the wonderful work that is being done by these young people by letting them know how much it is appreciated.

Yes, I wrote “Merry Christmas”, not Happy Holidays or Season’s Greetings or whatever else is suppose to be politically correct these days. I respect all holidays throughout the year and the remembrance that each represents and Christmas is no exception. The spirit of the season is just wonderful.

Of course I don’t expect everyone to embrace this spirit. There are many reasons that people choose not to do so and I truly feel sorry for them as they are missing out on something that is pretty special. I don’t care what your circumstances may be or what you have had on your plate during the past year. The spirit of caring and loving and giving that fills the air at this time of year is freely given to all who want to embrace it and it doesn’t cost a single penny.

I have had Christmases where I was unemployed and had no money for presents. I have had Christmases where I have dealt with personal and family illnesses. I have had Christmases that I could not spend with my family. But, regardless of the situation, I have always found a way to enjoy the holiday, spend it with others and embrace the spirit of the season.

What I have found over the years is that despite whatever else may be going on in my life, the Christmas spirit can override it all. It has never been about the gifts that one can or cannot give and/or receive but rather about the love that one is willing to share. Have you ever noticed the extra laughter in your work place or the efforts made to get together with co-workers and associates and friends? It is all about the spirit of the season.

And most importantly, I am sure that if you focus on all of the wonderful Christmas seasons that you have experienced, they far outweigh those that may have been not so good. Embrace the memories from your childhood and those of the children that have surrounded you over the years. Remember those feelings and you have the opportunity to experience them again year after year if you just choose to embrace the child within. My Christmas Wish for you this season is that you enjoy the peace and warmth and wonder and good will of the season this Christmas and hold on to those feelings for as long as you can for every day in the future.