So, you have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and you are facing a double mastectomy and reconstruction along with a parathyroid/thyroid surgery at some point.  What do you do?  Yes, I did go to Disneyland. But, if you are me and you have the most supportive and awesome husband imaginable, you start writing a weekly blog.  You see, Kirk kept nudging me to write about my experiences and he promised that he would create and manage a website for me where I could write about anything that I wanted and he would take care of the rest.

Today is the 52^nd blog for year four.  Through a total of 4 surgeries for 6 separate procedures, we never missed so much as 1 weekly blog in all of that time.  I am feeling so very proud of that accomplishment and the commitment that it took to make it happen, not only on my part but also on Kirk’s part.  But, I must say that this would never have reached this 4-year anniversary if it were not for all of the wonderful people and all of the support that I have received from the social media community.  There are so many people that I have met initially on Facebook and Twitter and even MySpace who will be friends forever.  I have been invited into so many homes and lives that I would never have known if it were not for so many wonderful experiences that I have had in the cyber world.  And if it were not for Kirk’s gentle prodding, there is no way that I would have become a part of the social media world.

Therefore, as we kick off year 5 next week, I was trying to think about what I could do in order to recognize some of those wonderful people who have been so special and supportive to me and for whom I am so very grateful.  As a result, I have created the “Gratitootie Award” that will recognize each week one very special person who has made a difference in my life.  I am looking forward to recognizing these people who may not even realize what a difference they have made by sharing their own special story or who may have provided support in ways they may never have even realized.

I know that I will never be able to acknowledge every single person for whom I am grateful and I am sure that you may also have special people whom you have met as a result of their connection to the social media world that you would also like to acknowledge so please stay tuned for further details later in 2012 to find out how you, too, can have those people to whom you are so grateful receive a Gratitootie Award.

As for me, I would love to thank each and every person who has become a part of my cyber world and to let you know what a difference you have made.  If it were not for you and this most wonderful opportunity to share here with you, I know that my life and my future would never have had the most fabulous outlook that I am visualizing.  You have given me a purpose that I would otherwise never have known and a venue for sharing that has allowed me to know that I am not alone in my experiences and what I have shared has made a difference for all of use. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

Compassion is defined by Dictionary.com as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. That sounds about right to me. In situation like natural disasters, we all feel so very sorry for those affected and we reach into our pockets to make donations to relief efforts to help to the best of our abilities. However, in situations where a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or a colleague loses his job or a friend is going through an ugly divorce, the lines are not so easily defined.

The problem is not with the first part of this definition. Regardless of the situation, we do have “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow” for the other person. But the confusion arises when we try to put into play our “strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. Let’s take the example of a loved one being diagnosed with cancer. We may have had a personal experience with dealing with cancer or we may know someone else who has. The first thing that we want to do is share our personal experiences because we are sure that by doing so, we are helping the other person. But, this is anything but the best approach.

Each person’s experience and reaction is as uniquely different as is our own fingerprint. When a person is diagnosed with cancer, the last thing that is needed is for someone to start telling them what they should do, how they should be thinking, what the best course of action will be and what course of treatment will be the best. And despite what anyone else advises, true compassion will only come if you allow your loved one to deal with the situation in only one way and that is the way that the patient chooses. True compassion comes with your standing by them to help and support them in any way possible with a closed mouth that allows for not telling them what to do. This is a medical situation and therefore, it should be dealt with by helping the patient to secure medical assistance from someone that they trust and letting the medical decisions be decided between the doctor(s) and the patient.

This may be the toughest thing that a person will ever have to experience but you will be of most value and assistance to your loved one by being a good listener and providing whatever other assistance that you can for them and their family. If you are asked for your opinion, even if you have had a similar experience, try to gently explain that you have such a limited perspective and that they would probably do best by asking the same questions of medical personnel who have had extensive experience with lots of people in this arena. You might offer to go along to the doctor’s office for appointments so that you can take notes on what is being discussed so that you have as accurate information as possible but you will do your loved one and yourself the biggest favor by not being part of any decision to be made.

I know that I was very fortunate in this arena as my husband and those few people around me who did know what was happening did not try to force their ideas, opinions, thoughts, directions, etc. on me but allowed me to make my own decisions because that is what I wanted to do. I was the one who had cancer and if I made a wrong decision about a course of action or treatment, it was my choice and no one else would ever have had to feel guilty if something they advised had been my ultimate choice and something had gone wrong. That was the ultimate way in which I could be compassionate to those who were also suffering because of my cancer.

Each year for my favorite holiday I reflect on those things for which I am most thankful.  On my list I have always included my thanks for those things that I have such as a warm place to live, food on my table, a good job, other family members and friends, etc.  I also take time to be thankful for my great health and the lack of major negative events in my life in the past year.  In among all of those other things, I have always given thanks for my husband who is the most important person in my life.  But, I suddenly noted that to just include him in a list of “stuff” and the

I think many of you will understand as for you, your spouse, children and other family members most likely occupy the top of your list, too.  For me who has no children and a wonderful sister who lives many miles away, my husband, Kirk, is the constant in my life who is always there for me and who is the one who shares all that is my life.  And the fact that he does so with so much love and support and caring allows for me to have a most wonderful life and for that I am the most thankful on this holiday and every day of my life.

I suppose it may be hard for some to understand why he is so special to me if you don’t know my whole story.  Many years ago, we created a music CD together titled “Let Life Happen”.  Each song represents something about who we are and what we believe and this project produced something that can never be taken away from us no matter whatever else may come our way.  To have something that is “us” like that is everything to me.  But even more, I feel as though Kirk saved my life after the cancer as he gave me everything that I needed to recover physically and more importantly, to find a way to overcome those things in my past with which I had never dealt that I needed to face.

I guess the greatest gift that we have given to each other is that we believe in each other and trust each other implicitly.  When I was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, it was Kirk who believed that I needed to write about what I was experiencing as a therapeutic outlet.  We had already discussed about how we wanted to do something to help other people and maybe this just might be one of the ways in which we could do that.  He made me a promise that if I would commit to doing the writing, he would find the vehicle for sharing what I wrote and thus, the Let Life Happen website was born.  True to his word as always, Kirk built the original website and two years later, created a brand new one to mark my final doctor’s appointment related to the cancer.  Having the website together allows for us to continue to work on a project together that represents who and what we are, both as individuals and as a couple, and this is the single biggest thing for which I will always be grateful.  There is nothing that has added more to my life than to be able to share a mutual goal with the most important person in my life.

So this year on Thanksgiving Day, I find that I am singularly thankful for having Kirk as my partner.  I believe that together we can take on anything that comes our way and overcome anything if we do it together.  I believe that I have truly been fortunate enough to find my “soulmate” and have a real understanding of what that word means.  I believe that I have been blessed with the greatest blessing of all in the man that is my husband, my partner, my love.  And I believe that if all of us are fortunate enough to have that one special person be it a partner, child, parent, etc. or many special people in our lives, we have everything that we need and we can do anything.  And I am glad for Thanksgiving Day because that was my trigger to realize that I have it all and for that I am truly thankful.

As we wind down on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I began to think about some of the real issues for a person diagnosed with breast cancer.  We are very fortunate in this country to have such great medical care available to everyone.  We now are providing testing and care while continuing to do research to find a cure, much of which is funded by all of the contributions made to various organizations during October.  I am personally so grateful for the wonderful doctors and the care and treatment

I suppose the easiest thing to do is to think about what you would want and need from your family and friends if it were you that received this diagnosis.  Every person will act and react differently but for me, respect regarding how I chose to handle things was most important to me.  I did not want others to know about it until after the surgery was over.  Therefore, I would not allow my husband or those at work who needed to know to share this information with anyone.  In retrospect, that was a big mistake on my part as I took away from my husband the opportunity for him to handle this news in the best way possible for him which may have been to have an outlet to discuss it with others who could provide him with the support that he needed.  I should have allowed for him to have those discussions but just indicated that I did not want anyone else to talk to me about what was happening.

I think that most people are willing to help another person who has received such a diagnosis in any way that they can but they just don’t know what to do or say.  I would just indicate that you are available to assist in any way that you can and then take a step back.  Let the person know whether you are willing and available to take them to doctor appointments (and there will be tons of those) if they want.  At the times of surgeries and other treatments where they are not able to function as usual, things such as providing a meal or helping with child care or just spending time with them is appreciated, if that is what is needed.  You will know best about what you can do and what the patient would like or need based upon an individual assessment of the situation.

Most important at this time is allowing the patient to talk about and do as much as they wish.  If a patient wants to talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc., just listen.  They will tell you what they want you to know.  Limit questions to things like how you can help rather than pushing them to talk or asking medical questions and personal questions which they would prefer not to discuss for any number of reasons.  Being sensitive to the position in which this person finds herself will lead you to know what to do and say.

For some people, try as they might, when they hear that someone they know and love has received a cancer diagnosis, they will head for the hills.  I know that I can’t understand this because it is not something that I could do but I know that it does happen and it happens more often than you might think.   My only suggestion is that others around this patient may have to step up and do double duty, especially if the person who can’t handle the news is a spouse, a close family member or friend on whom the patient was counting.  It is hard enough to go through all of the steps necessary to recover from cancer let alone to lose your emotional support at the same time.  And when all else fails, be sure that the patient’s doctors know what is happening so that they can find a way to provide for the patient’s needs in this arena, too.

More than likely, until we find a cure for cancer, every single one of us will encounter a situation where someone we know is dealing with cancer.  The most important thing is to do only what you want to do for if you do provide help out of a sense of obligation, you will resent it and that resentment will be recognized by the patient.  Caring and love and prayers are always greatly appreciated and anything else above and beyond that is just icing on the cake.  And when in doubt, just allow the patient to take the lead.  The most important thing for the patient will always be the knowing that help and support is available, if needed, and if you are not in a position to provide that help then perhaps you can assist in finding other sources who are able to do so.  After all, we all just want to help one another.

I am a two-time breast cancer survivor who is more than acutely aware that this is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I have seen pink T-shirts and slippers and pajamas and socks and sweatshirts and jackets.  I have seen sports teams everywhere with pink jerseys and pink pants and socks and shoes and helmets.  I could go on and on about all of the pink merchandise that I have seen including rings and bracelets and necklaces and mugs and pads of paper and just about anything that you can imagine.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am a 100% supporter of every person who has ever been diagnosed with breast cancer and has survived this horrible disease. I am also here to help and lend support to everyone who has lost a love one to breast cancer or any other type of cancer.  I want to provide support and help to those who are caregivers and/or who have those who are close to them who are dealing with cancer.  I want to do everything possible to garner support for raising funds for research and testing and medical help for those who do not have insurance or can’t afford the care that they need.  However, I do believe that there is a better way to do this.

I believe that every single manufacturer of pink “stuff” should take a look at the cost of that manufacturing.  Every single sports team who buys pink equipment and uniforms should assess their costs to purchase such goods.  Every clothing and jewelry manufacturer who creates those lines should assess their motivation for doing so.  Companies like Yoplait who make my favorite yogurt but require me to send in my pink lids in order to determine the amount of money they will contribute to funding breast cancer programs should give this another review.  Your message is that you base your support of breast cancer awareness and monetary support solely on advertising and preying on the sentiments of those who are dealing with breast cancer in any form.

Here is my suggestion.  Why not take a portion of your company’s profits and make a direct contribution to the breast cancer organization of your choice.  Let me know what you have done by posting signage at your venue or in your advertising.  I don’t need to buy a T-shirt that says that I am a breast cancer survivor but I do need to buy T-shirts and I will buy from you because of what you are doing to help this cause.  I will still watch my favorite football teams but they don’t need to run up and down the field in pink uniforms to let me know that they support breast cancer awareness.  I don’t know of a single survivor who wants to wear the pink ribbon all of the time.  Everyone who knows us knows that we are survivors and they don’t need to be reminded of it on a daily basis.  And as a matter of fact, I don’t want to be reminded of it all the time myself nor do I want to be defined by the fact that I am a survivor.  And for those who have lost the battle to breast cancer, believe me when I say that is not the reason that they want to be remembered.  They want to be remembered for the loving, caring, giving and wonderful mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers or friends that they were.

Breast cancer awareness and research and funding for those who can’t afford the medical care should not be viewed and advertised because it is a money maker.   However, I do want to know and support those businesses who are contributing to the cause because they believe in the cause.  I want to support those businesses, not by having to buy “pink” but because I appreciate and acknowledge what they are doing.  And if I never see another piece of pink clothing connected to breast cancer in my life, I wouldn’t mind in the least.  It isn’t that great of a color on me anyway!

A Sunday morning brunch at The Blvd Restaurant at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel would be the perfect way to start my day on any given Sunday.  However, the sharing of the wonderful food was greatly enhanced by the gathering with some 20 other individuals for the first ever “Los Angeles Social Media Professionals Association” brunch.  The brainchild of this organization is Allison Nassour and with the help of Lauren Breuning who is the social media director for the hotel which sponsored the event, we all gathered to network, brainstorm and receive a touch of therapy from each other with the goal of expanding our knowledge and abilities when using the various forms of social media.

I was struck by the variety of businesses, non-profits and causes represented by this group of people and the dedication that each person had to their business and/or purpose for embracing social media.  As expected, most discussions centered on Twitter and Facebook but other topics were discussed including the latest in technological advances in hardware.  Many ideas were provided by other members of the group to address specific needs of those individuals who were facing their own problems or who needed input regarding such things as the best utilization of advertising dollars.

As I sat there listening to everyone, I couldn’t help but think about the limited amount of time that social media has been a part of our lives and how quickly everything is growing.  I am so ecstatic about all of the possibilities that social media can provide to anyone who is willing to embrace it.  I also know that the toughest battle right now is to reach those who don’t understand this revolution, don’t want to learn about something new like this and who believe that it is nothing but a mechanism where kids and teens can interact with one another.

Eggs n Hashtags attendees group photo.

I feel very fortunate to have been invited to participate in this group and for those like me who are out there trying to expand and improve our social media experiences, I would like to suggest that you start your own social media groups for sharing and learning.  Many of us do not have the big budgets to build the flashiest sites or pay for major advertising.  Many do not even wish to have a site but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be able to access sites that have the information for which they are searching.

For me, I know that I appreciate it when other tweeters tell me about their great hotel and dining experiences.  And when I find great places like that myself, I love to share with all of those with whom I can connect.  But, what is most important to me about the social media sites is that I can share with others the latest information, stories, perspectives, experiences and opportunities for those who are looking for information pertaining to cancer and domestic abuse survival and support.  I know that each of us who are engaged in social media on this level have a product or cause in which we believe deeply and we are willing to spend the time and effort to do everything that we can in order to share what we have and what we know with others.  I found today one more tool that allows me to do just that and I know that everyone who participated today was able to walk away with at least one more idea that will enhance their efforts.  That makes it all worthwhile to me.

On Tuesday, March 8^th, we celebrate International Women’s Day “which celebrates respect, appreciation and the empowerment of women all over the world”.  For me, I have chosen to honor this day by focusing on breast cancer, and in particular, directing all women to the “Susan G. Komen for the Cure” website at komen.org 

The reason for this is that my last 3 years of writing a weekly blog and having a website were inspired after being diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time and I wanted to make a difference for others who found themselves in the same situation.  I was so overwhelmed with the diagnosis that I couldn’t even think straight.

Over the years, I have received all types of questions regarding breast cancer, from women who had been diagnosed, from children and grandchildren whose family members have been diagnosed, from those who want to know how to support their wives or significant others, from those who have lost loved ones and from those who want to know what they can do to help others.  I have communicated with those who are afraid to have testing done, with those who do not have insurance or the resources to afford the testing and with those who feared the recommended treatments that were prescribed by their doctors.  

In each instance, I have spoken many times from my own experiences and from the gratitude that I have for all of those who have helped me with my own experiences.  But, I do not have many of the pieces of information that one would need in order to make informed decisions about their own situations, what resources are available both for testing services and support services and what the latest research may hold for the future. 

In addition, if you are like me, I want to help financially as well but I don’t have the resources to contribute all that I would like.  Therefore, it is important to me to find ways to raise funds through programs such as the “walks” that allow for me to be sponsored in such fund raising events or to help sponsor other participants who have their own reasons for participating.

Therefore, I would like to encourage everyone to go to the Susan G. Komen website so that we can all become familiar with all of the resources that are available there.  Armed with knowledge like this, we can be equipped to help and support one another in every way possible when breast cancer touches our lives from whatever source.  How better could we celebrate International Women’s Day?

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On January 22, 2008, I wrote my first weekly blog.  After several months of “encouragement” from my husband, Kirk, I sat down to write about what I was thinking after a second diagnosis of breast cancer  Never in my wildest imagination did I think that I would write each week for 3 full years and that I would have made such wonderful new friends here with whom I have so much in common.  Nor did I think that my site would.

On January 22, 2009, I wrote about a most wonderful group of young men who were high school, male, lacrosse players.  I was working with them in their new community service program wherein they were raising funds for breast cancer testing by walking 5,200 miles – the equivalent of a round trip from Los Angeles to New York City and back.  Imagine a group of teenage male athletes raising funds to help pay for breast cancer testing for those who could not afford it. 

On January 22, 2010, I walked out of my cosmetic surgeon’s office for the final time (other than regularly scheduled annual visits) following the reconstruction surgeries that I had undergone following my two rounds of breast cancer surgeries.  In celebration thereof, Kirk had built a brand-new website for the inauguration of the third year of weekly blogs. 

On January 22, 2011, to celebrate the completion of yet another year of weekly blogs, we have created a new feature on the website.  As I continue to celebrate every single day of life by enjoying every opportunity to have fun and to share the moments with those around me, we are inaugurating “I’m Going to Let Life Happen Today by…” which is being hosted by my alter ego, Barbie.  Barbie will present a new message each week that will let you know how I am going to let life happen today in her own unique style.  I hope that you will click on the link and see what she has in the offing for this first week. 

Finally, I want to thank each and every person who has ever checked out my website, shared a comment and/or communicated with me over the last three years.  You have lifted my spirits, made me laugh, made me cry, caused me to think and inspired me in ways that you will never know.  And if I have done any of those same things for you or made a positive difference in any way, please know that I am truly grateful. 

And my biggest thank you must go out to Kirk.  From day one, he is the one who encouraged me to write, who designed the first website, who designed the second website, who does all of the maintenance on a daily basis and who created Barbie.  He is the one who was always at my side to do anything and everything possible as I dealt with the cancer.  But, most importantly, he has provided a loving and positive forum for my sharing with anyone who may be interested in knowing that we humans can do anything that we truly want to do and we always have those who are willing to assist us in our endeavors, no matter how hard they may seem to be.  That is why I know that love truly does conquer all and he has shared that love with not only me but with all of us.

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I could not believe my eyes when I read this story about a group of Washington state referees that banned together to donate their high school refereeing game checks to support the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research and to use pink whistles during those games. And now they are facing punishment for the use of those pink whistles without prior approval!  

According to the chairman of the Washington Officials Association, Todd Stordahl, he has little choice but to discipline officials who used colored whistles. He claims that letting them continue without punishment would send the wrong message to student athletes.  He claims that the official color for the whistles is black and using any other color without permission violates the uniform code.  The punishment that they are facing is a two-game suspension which means that in addition to the checks that they donated, they would lose two more game checks. 

To me, this is absolutely ludicrous.  For anyone who knows me, I am a real stickler when it comes to rules and regulations and have always been that way.  I would not have a single alcoholic drink before I turned 21 and I would never consider answering my cell phone while driving if my hands-free device was not available to answer that call.  I do believe in abiding by uniform codes as I did when I went to private school and we had to wear specific uniforms or when I was a cheerleader and had specific uniform pieces that were selected according to the weather conditions.  These officials all wore their uniforms as well.  

I also believe that the punishment should fit the “crime”.  To even consider a two-game suspension because they used a pink whistle rather than a black whistle is insane.  Look at the things for which the athletes receive a two-game suspension!  I can’t begin to imagine the justification that Mr. Stordahl has for this outrageous assessment. 

I don’t like the message that Mr. Stordahl is actually sending to the student athletes.  In my book, these officials deserve applause for what they did in donating their checks and by making others aware of this great cause in their own way as many others have done during breast cancer awareness month.  If the WOA believes that these officials violated the uniform code, then the WOA should warn them that they consider this an infraction and should they do something like this again without permission, there will be repercussions.  But a two-game suspension?  Give me a break. 

And that is a totally separate issue from the message being sent to the athletes.  I am sure that there is not one single athlete whose family or the families of their friends and classmates have not been touched by cancer by the time they become high school athletes.  The message should be that acknowledgment and support of this cause is a good thing, not something that should be punished.  The message should be that what these officials have done is something that many others truly admire and support and appreciate.  The message should be that not only did they increase awareness through the use of the pink whistles but that these people also donated the money that they earned from officiating their games.  Let’s share this story with everyone that we know as I ask for your support and their support in sending a strong message to Todd Stordahl and the WOA that what these officials have done is a fine example for student athletes and that no punishment should be levied upon these officials.

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I first met Lisa Koch-Howell here a few months ago shortly after her mother lost her life to breast cancer.  At that time she wrote to me the following:

“Well I was wondering if you could give me some advice. My sister did the 3 day breast cancer walk 2 years ago. She really enjoyed it. Our mama met her at the finish line. This last year in June, Mama was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer. I went down to Oregon the next day & stayed & took care of her & daddy. Mama then past away on 9/26/09. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I held her in my arms as she took her last breath.

My sister, who by the way is my best friend, wants me to go to Seattle & do the walk with her. The walk has always been the 1st of Sept. but this year it is on mama’s 1 year anniversary of losing her life on 9/26/10. Can we do this? I don’t know. The other thing is how do I raise enough money to do it? I live in a little community of 75 in the bush here in Alaska. I am just feeling this out as I am also very out of shape. Could you please give me some suggestions?”

Lisa and I wrote back and forth for awhile and the next thing I knew, she had sent a notice out to all of her Facebook friends to let us know that she had set up a website for donations to the Susan G. Komen Foundation so that she could do this walk.  And despite the challenges that she faced in order to raise that amount of money, she has successfully been able to do so.

I have been in touch with her recently and know that among other things that have happened to her since she undertook this challenge, a recent foot injury has caused a major setback to her training.  However, she is not letting that interfere.  In her last post to me she said:

“I talked to my sister & she encouraged me & told me it would be fine. I can walk a while then catch a ride, then walk. So I will be there with my swollen foot, limping across that finish line. With the support of all of you who have prayed & supported me financially, I will make it.”

This is the face of one very courageous lady who is truly an inspiration to anyone who knows her and knows her story.  She is a true representative of each of those who walks for the cure.  She is one who puts a real face on what this deadly disease can do and does do on a daily basis.  She, to me, is a real hero.  I also want to thank another hero in this story, her sister, for all that she has done and is doing personally and in support of Lisa.  I, too, have a wonderfully supportive sister and know what a difference that means to me. 

And although I will not be there physically when these two women cross that finish line on September 26^th, the one-year anniversary of their mother’s passing from breast cancer, you can be sure that I, along with all of their supporters, will be there in spirit to celebrate their accomplishments.  Thank you both for everything that you are and everything that you have done.  You have shown everyone exactly how one person can make a difference and we are all the more fortunate for knowing you and knowing about the tribute that both of you are making to your mother.

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