Compassion is defined by Dictionary.com as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. That sounds about right to me. In situation like natural disasters, we all feel so very sorry for those affected and we reach into our pockets to make donations to relief efforts to help to the best of our abilities. However, in situations where a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or a colleague loses his job or a friend is going through an ugly divorce, the lines are not so easily defined.

The problem is not with the first part of this definition. Regardless of the situation, we do have “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow” for the other person. But the confusion arises when we try to put into play our “strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. Let’s take the example of a loved one being diagnosed with cancer. We may have had a personal experience with dealing with cancer or we may know someone else who has. The first thing that we want to do is share our personal experiences because we are sure that by doing so, we are helping the other person. But, this is anything but the best approach.

Each person’s experience and reaction is as uniquely different as is our own fingerprint. When a person is diagnosed with cancer, the last thing that is needed is for someone to start telling them what they should do, how they should be thinking, what the best course of action will be and what course of treatment will be the best. And despite what anyone else advises, true compassion will only come if you allow your loved one to deal with the situation in only one way and that is the way that the patient chooses. True compassion comes with your standing by them to help and support them in any way possible with a closed mouth that allows for not telling them what to do. This is a medical situation and therefore, it should be dealt with by helping the patient to secure medical assistance from someone that they trust and letting the medical decisions be decided between the doctor(s) and the patient.

This may be the toughest thing that a person will ever have to experience but you will be of most value and assistance to your loved one by being a good listener and providing whatever other assistance that you can for them and their family. If you are asked for your opinion, even if you have had a similar experience, try to gently explain that you have such a limited perspective and that they would probably do best by asking the same questions of medical personnel who have had extensive experience with lots of people in this arena. You might offer to go along to the doctor’s office for appointments so that you can take notes on what is being discussed so that you have as accurate information as possible but you will do your loved one and yourself the biggest favor by not being part of any decision to be made.

I know that I was very fortunate in this arena as my husband and those few people around me who did know what was happening did not try to force their ideas, opinions, thoughts, directions, etc. on me but allowed me to make my own decisions because that is what I wanted to do. I was the one who had cancer and if I made a wrong decision about a course of action or treatment, it was my choice and no one else would ever have had to feel guilty if something they advised had been my ultimate choice and something had gone wrong. That was the ultimate way in which I could be compassionate to those who were also suffering because of my cancer.

As we wind down on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I began to think about some of the real issues for a person diagnosed with breast cancer.  We are very fortunate in this country to have such great medical care available to everyone.  We now are providing testing and care while continuing to do research to find a cure, much of which is funded by all of the contributions made to various organizations during October.  I am personally so grateful for the wonderful doctors and the care and treatment

I suppose the easiest thing to do is to think about what you would want and need from your family and friends if it were you that received this diagnosis.  Every person will act and react differently but for me, respect regarding how I chose to handle things was most important to me.  I did not want others to know about it until after the surgery was over.  Therefore, I would not allow my husband or those at work who needed to know to share this information with anyone.  In retrospect, that was a big mistake on my part as I took away from my husband the opportunity for him to handle this news in the best way possible for him which may have been to have an outlet to discuss it with others who could provide him with the support that he needed.  I should have allowed for him to have those discussions but just indicated that I did not want anyone else to talk to me about what was happening.

I think that most people are willing to help another person who has received such a diagnosis in any way that they can but they just don’t know what to do or say.  I would just indicate that you are available to assist in any way that you can and then take a step back.  Let the person know whether you are willing and available to take them to doctor appointments (and there will be tons of those) if they want.  At the times of surgeries and other treatments where they are not able to function as usual, things such as providing a meal or helping with child care or just spending time with them is appreciated, if that is what is needed.  You will know best about what you can do and what the patient would like or need based upon an individual assessment of the situation.

Most important at this time is allowing the patient to talk about and do as much as they wish.  If a patient wants to talk about how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc., just listen.  They will tell you what they want you to know.  Limit questions to things like how you can help rather than pushing them to talk or asking medical questions and personal questions which they would prefer not to discuss for any number of reasons.  Being sensitive to the position in which this person finds herself will lead you to know what to do and say.

For some people, try as they might, when they hear that someone they know and love has received a cancer diagnosis, they will head for the hills.  I know that I can’t understand this because it is not something that I could do but I know that it does happen and it happens more often than you might think.   My only suggestion is that others around this patient may have to step up and do double duty, especially if the person who can’t handle the news is a spouse, a close family member or friend on whom the patient was counting.  It is hard enough to go through all of the steps necessary to recover from cancer let alone to lose your emotional support at the same time.  And when all else fails, be sure that the patient’s doctors know what is happening so that they can find a way to provide for the patient’s needs in this arena, too.

More than likely, until we find a cure for cancer, every single one of us will encounter a situation where someone we know is dealing with cancer.  The most important thing is to do only what you want to do for if you do provide help out of a sense of obligation, you will resent it and that resentment will be recognized by the patient.  Caring and love and prayers are always greatly appreciated and anything else above and beyond that is just icing on the cake.  And when in doubt, just allow the patient to take the lead.  The most important thing for the patient will always be the knowing that help and support is available, if needed, and if you are not in a position to provide that help then perhaps you can assist in finding other sources who are able to do so.  After all, we all just want to help one another.

I am a two-time breast cancer survivor who is more than acutely aware that this is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  I have seen pink T-shirts and slippers and pajamas and socks and sweatshirts and jackets.  I have seen sports teams everywhere with pink jerseys and pink pants and socks and shoes and helmets.  I could go on and on about all of the pink merchandise that I have seen including rings and bracelets and necklaces and mugs and pads of paper and just about anything that you can imagine.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am a 100% supporter of every person who has ever been diagnosed with breast cancer and has survived this horrible disease. I am also here to help and lend support to everyone who has lost a love one to breast cancer or any other type of cancer.  I want to provide support and help to those who are caregivers and/or who have those who are close to them who are dealing with cancer.  I want to do everything possible to garner support for raising funds for research and testing and medical help for those who do not have insurance or can’t afford the care that they need.  However, I do believe that there is a better way to do this.

I believe that every single manufacturer of pink “stuff” should take a look at the cost of that manufacturing.  Every single sports team who buys pink equipment and uniforms should assess their costs to purchase such goods.  Every clothing and jewelry manufacturer who creates those lines should assess their motivation for doing so.  Companies like Yoplait who make my favorite yogurt but require me to send in my pink lids in order to determine the amount of money they will contribute to funding breast cancer programs should give this another review.  Your message is that you base your support of breast cancer awareness and monetary support solely on advertising and preying on the sentiments of those who are dealing with breast cancer in any form.

Here is my suggestion.  Why not take a portion of your company’s profits and make a direct contribution to the breast cancer organization of your choice.  Let me know what you have done by posting signage at your venue or in your advertising.  I don’t need to buy a T-shirt that says that I am a breast cancer survivor but I do need to buy T-shirts and I will buy from you because of what you are doing to help this cause.  I will still watch my favorite football teams but they don’t need to run up and down the field in pink uniforms to let me know that they support breast cancer awareness.  I don’t know of a single survivor who wants to wear the pink ribbon all of the time.  Everyone who knows us knows that we are survivors and they don’t need to be reminded of it on a daily basis.  And as a matter of fact, I don’t want to be reminded of it all the time myself nor do I want to be defined by the fact that I am a survivor.  And for those who have lost the battle to breast cancer, believe me when I say that is not the reason that they want to be remembered.  They want to be remembered for the loving, caring, giving and wonderful mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers or friends that they were.

Breast cancer awareness and research and funding for those who can’t afford the medical care should not be viewed and advertised because it is a money maker.   However, I do want to know and support those businesses who are contributing to the cause because they believe in the cause.  I want to support those businesses, not by having to buy “pink” but because I appreciate and acknowledge what they are doing.  And if I never see another piece of pink clothing connected to breast cancer in my life, I wouldn’t mind in the least.  It isn’t that great of a color on me anyway!

On Tuesday, March 8^th, we celebrate International Women’s Day “which celebrates respect, appreciation and the empowerment of women all over the world”.  For me, I have chosen to honor this day by focusing on breast cancer, and in particular, directing all women to the “Susan G. Komen for the Cure” website at komen.org 

The reason for this is that my last 3 years of writing a weekly blog and having a website were inspired after being diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time and I wanted to make a difference for others who found themselves in the same situation.  I was so overwhelmed with the diagnosis that I couldn’t even think straight.

Over the years, I have received all types of questions regarding breast cancer, from women who had been diagnosed, from children and grandchildren whose family members have been diagnosed, from those who want to know how to support their wives or significant others, from those who have lost loved ones and from those who want to know what they can do to help others.  I have communicated with those who are afraid to have testing done, with those who do not have insurance or the resources to afford the testing and with those who feared the recommended treatments that were prescribed by their doctors.  

In each instance, I have spoken many times from my own experiences and from the gratitude that I have for all of those who have helped me with my own experiences.  But, I do not have many of the pieces of information that one would need in order to make informed decisions about their own situations, what resources are available both for testing services and support services and what the latest research may hold for the future. 

In addition, if you are like me, I want to help financially as well but I don’t have the resources to contribute all that I would like.  Therefore, it is important to me to find ways to raise funds through programs such as the “walks” that allow for me to be sponsored in such fund raising events or to help sponsor other participants who have their own reasons for participating.

Therefore, I would like to encourage everyone to go to the Susan G. Komen website so that we can all become familiar with all of the resources that are available there.  Armed with knowledge like this, we can be equipped to help and support one another in every way possible when breast cancer touches our lives from whatever source.  How better could we celebrate International Women’s Day?

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I could not believe my eyes when I read this story about a group of Washington state referees that banned together to donate their high school refereeing game checks to support the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research and to use pink whistles during those games. And now they are facing punishment for the use of those pink whistles without prior approval!  

According to the chairman of the Washington Officials Association, Todd Stordahl, he has little choice but to discipline officials who used colored whistles. He claims that letting them continue without punishment would send the wrong message to student athletes.  He claims that the official color for the whistles is black and using any other color without permission violates the uniform code.  The punishment that they are facing is a two-game suspension which means that in addition to the checks that they donated, they would lose two more game checks. 

To me, this is absolutely ludicrous.  For anyone who knows me, I am a real stickler when it comes to rules and regulations and have always been that way.  I would not have a single alcoholic drink before I turned 21 and I would never consider answering my cell phone while driving if my hands-free device was not available to answer that call.  I do believe in abiding by uniform codes as I did when I went to private school and we had to wear specific uniforms or when I was a cheerleader and had specific uniform pieces that were selected according to the weather conditions.  These officials all wore their uniforms as well.  

I also believe that the punishment should fit the “crime”.  To even consider a two-game suspension because they used a pink whistle rather than a black whistle is insane.  Look at the things for which the athletes receive a two-game suspension!  I can’t begin to imagine the justification that Mr. Stordahl has for this outrageous assessment. 

I don’t like the message that Mr. Stordahl is actually sending to the student athletes.  In my book, these officials deserve applause for what they did in donating their checks and by making others aware of this great cause in their own way as many others have done during breast cancer awareness month.  If the WOA believes that these officials violated the uniform code, then the WOA should warn them that they consider this an infraction and should they do something like this again without permission, there will be repercussions.  But a two-game suspension?  Give me a break. 

And that is a totally separate issue from the message being sent to the athletes.  I am sure that there is not one single athlete whose family or the families of their friends and classmates have not been touched by cancer by the time they become high school athletes.  The message should be that acknowledgment and support of this cause is a good thing, not something that should be punished.  The message should be that what these officials have done is something that many others truly admire and support and appreciate.  The message should be that not only did they increase awareness through the use of the pink whistles but that these people also donated the money that they earned from officiating their games.  Let’s share this story with everyone that we know as I ask for your support and their support in sending a strong message to Todd Stordahl and the WOA that what these officials have done is a fine example for student athletes and that no punishment should be levied upon these officials.

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Over the last 2 ½ years that I have been writing this blog, I have written special tributes on a few occasions – to my husband, my brother, my dad and to a close neighbor upon his passing.  This week, I once again find myself moved to add another person to that list as I wind down on the follow up to my reconstructive surgery after my double mastectomy.  This tribute is to Dr. Saul Berger, my cosmetic surgeon, to whom I will always be indebted for not only the great surgeries that he performed but also for all of the support and responsiveness that he provided.  Yes, I have a doctor who really listened to me and responds to my individual needs.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time, my cancer surgeon immediately recommended the double mastectomy with reconstruction and I was in complete agreement.  I was recommended to Dr. Berger for a consultation and came away comfortable that he was the right person for me.  A decision had been made to do both the cancer surgery and the first step of reconstruction at the same time.  The cancer surgeon wanted me to stay in the hospital afterward and I was very adamant that I did not want to do so.  I explained my wishes to Dr. Berger and he listened. 

Although he did arrange for a room for after surgery in case I needed it, he did his procedure after the breasts had been removed and monitored my recovery from the anesthesia and cleared me to go home.  That was huge for me as all I wanted was to be left alone in my own bed to sleep or not as felt right for me.  I also had Dr. Berger’s reassurance that should I need him or have any questions or problems, he was only a phone call away.

That was only the first of many times over the course of the next two years that Dr. Berger was there for me through the two additional surgeries and all of the treatment and follow up involved through the reconstruction process.  Here is a doctor who has a very successful cosmetic surgery business but who is devoting so much of his time and effort to breast reconstruction following cancer.  I know about the nights where he gave up personal time and opportunities to perform surgery at 9 p.m. because that was what he needed to do in order to accommodate another surgeon’s schedule and most importantly, what would work for his patient.  I know that a Saturday surgery is never out of the question if that is what is required to help.  Yet every time that I had an appointment for treatment or follow up or pre-surgery, etc., I always had his undivided attention to my personal questions and assessments and needs.

I know how unusual it is to have a doctor who is so talented yet so kind and understanding and who really cares about others and I found myself asking him about the amount of time that he is devoting to breast cancer survivors like me.  As he explained how the numbers were increasing, particularly in young women in their 20’s, he quietly said one thing that will always stick with me – “I can’t imagine not doing it”.  That tells you everything that you need to know about Dr. Berger and the gift that we all have been given who fortunate enough to have had him there with us through the new beginning that comes after the cancer has been removed. 

As I concluded a second Let Life Happen radio broadcast last evening on the subject about “how did you react when someone told you that they had cancer”, I wanted to thank each and every person who posted a comment or shared a story on this subject.  As we all know, that is a really hard subject with which to deal and I received such a great response that it made it necessary to do two shows on this subject in order to cover so many variations.  As I indicated in that show, I shared a marvelous piece that I used for reference and as promised, I am sharing the link here for everyone who may be interested: 

What Not to Say to Someone With Cancer

Although the title is “What Not to Say to Someone With Cancer”, it does provide suggestions of what we might say in place of our normal responses.  In addition, there were a number of comments posted with this article that also shed some great light on this issue and definitely are worth reading.  I only wish that I had had access to such an article years ago when I was responding to family and friends in the matter that I did despite my good intentions.

Over the years since I was faced with someone having cancer and trying to figure out what to do/say. I have added my grandfather, my godmother, her daughter and granddaughter along with my father, my mother, my baby brother and numerous friends to that list.  And now having been on the receiving end of cancer as well, I have learned so very much.  But, most importantly, I have learned that each person and how they choose to deal with their own cancer is as individual and different as their own cancer and treatment. 

I believe that the best thing that anyone can do for someone with cancer is to respect them.  This includes respecting how they choose to deal with their own situation, the choices that they make with regard to treatment, etc. regardless of whether you agree or disagree with those choices and what they choose to share or not share.  We are all unique because of not only our creation but also because of our own experiences.  We have been given the right to do what we feel is best for ourselves on an individual basis and no one has the right to tell us what we should do with our own lives. 

From there, if you let the cancer patient know that you are there to help them in any way that they may wish (taking them to dr. appointments, picking up food or prescriptions, bringing in a meal, helping out with children in the household, etc.), just know that the matter is now out of your hands.  You can be there to listen or just sit quietly as needed.  You can make a call to find out if there is any way in which you are able to assist and from there it is up to the patient.  Allowing the patient this type of control over their own life is the only control that they will have in this matter and it makes all of the difference in the world.  I know that it made all of the difference to me in my own battle.

Please also know that the reason for this website is for all of us to have a place where we can share our experiences, our questions and a fellowship with others who are going through their own struggles regardless of what they may be.  You are always welcome here and know that the others here feel as I do and that is that we are all in this together and that is why we are here to help each other.

As always, I love your comments.

One of the hardest thing that anyone might ever have to do is to hear that a family member or loved one or friend has cancer. It has happened to just about every single person that I know.

Although we addressed this topic last week, I wish to continue the discussion this week, but I have a particular question to which I am seeking an answer. I would love to hear from you if your response, when you heard that someone had cancer, was to turn and run away. I understand that this frequently happens and I think that I am beginning to understand why but I really would like to receive your story. Your identity will not be revealed if you wish but please know that you are certainly not alone if this was your response.

So this Saturday at 8:00 p.m. PST on Let Life Happen TALK, I would like to discuss this subject and would appreciate your input below.  If you prefer to call in to the show, the phone number is 347-994-1310. Please let me know about your reaction and why you did not feel that you were able to stay and provide support to the person with cancer. Perhaps by sharing our experiences, we may be able to help others who, in the future, have to face this situation.

One of the hardest things that anyone might ever have to do is to hear the words, “You have cancer”.  But, for me and I am sure for many others, that wasn’t nearly as difficult as having to tell loved ones about the cancer.  This week on Let Life Happen TALK, I would like to discuss this subject and would appreciate your input.   Please tell me about how you broke the news to your families and friends.  Please let me know how they reacted and how you felt about your personal experiences.  Perhaps by sharing our experiences, we may be able to help others who, in the future, have to face this situation.

This weeks show airs  Saturday Feb. 6  at 8 p.m. PST / 11 p.m. EST