So, you have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and you are facing a double mastectomy and reconstruction along with a parathyroid/thyroid surgery at some point.  What do you do?  Yes, I did go to Disneyland. But, if you are me and you have the most supportive and awesome husband imaginable, you start writing a weekly blog.  You see, Kirk kept nudging me to write about my experiences and he promised that he would create and manage a website for me where I could write about anything that I wanted and he would take care of the rest.

Today is the 52^nd blog for year four.  Through a total of 4 surgeries for 6 separate procedures, we never missed so much as 1 weekly blog in all of that time.  I am feeling so very proud of that accomplishment and the commitment that it took to make it happen, not only on my part but also on Kirk’s part.  But, I must say that this would never have reached this 4-year anniversary if it were not for all of the wonderful people and all of the support that I have received from the social media community.  There are so many people that I have met initially on Facebook and Twitter and even MySpace who will be friends forever.  I have been invited into so many homes and lives that I would never have known if it were not for so many wonderful experiences that I have had in the cyber world.  And if it were not for Kirk’s gentle prodding, there is no way that I would have become a part of the social media world.

Therefore, as we kick off year 5 next week, I was trying to think about what I could do in order to recognize some of those wonderful people who have been so special and supportive to me and for whom I am so very grateful.  As a result, I have created the “Gratitootie Award” that will recognize each week one very special person who has made a difference in my life.  I am looking forward to recognizing these people who may not even realize what a difference they have made by sharing their own special story or who may have provided support in ways they may never have even realized.

I know that I will never be able to acknowledge every single person for whom I am grateful and I am sure that you may also have special people whom you have met as a result of their connection to the social media world that you would also like to acknowledge so please stay tuned for further details later in 2012 to find out how you, too, can have those people to whom you are so grateful receive a Gratitootie Award.

As for me, I would love to thank each and every person who has become a part of my cyber world and to let you know what a difference you have made.  If it were not for you and this most wonderful opportunity to share here with you, I know that my life and my future would never have had the most fabulous outlook that I am visualizing.  You have given me a purpose that I would otherwise never have known and a venue for sharing that has allowed me to know that I am not alone in my experiences and what I have shared has made a difference for all of use. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

I am not who you think I am.  If you know that I am a domestic abuse survivor, you most likely think that I am weak and stupid for getting myself into such a situation in the first place and for staying as long as I did.  Most likely, you view me as a victim, mostly because of my lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.  This is the sad face given to most people who are domestic abuse survivors and not at all a reality.

If you didn’t know that I am an abuse survivor, you most likely would think that I am a quiet, non-combative and hard working person who can be pushed around and treated any way that you wish without there being any repercussions.  You would also think that I am one of the happiest people that you will ever meet and that there is nothing that hurts me more than to see another person hurting or being abused.  And if this is your perception of me, you would be correct.  But this reality would have never been reached if it were not for having lived the domestic abuse life that I did for 10 years.  Let me explain.

There are many lessons that I have learned from the abusive situation.  One of the two most important ones is that nothing is ever accomplished or improved by fighting, arguing or attacking someone else, either verbally and/or physically.  I learned that if someone is attacking me, the only thing to do is to become quiet and do not fight back.  I may be 100% in the right but it does not matter if I lose myself, my dignity and perhaps even my life as a result.  This applies to any situation in my life.  However, this does not mean that I can be pushed around by someone for an indefinite period of time.  If I am being abused, mistreated or constantly disrespected at home or on the job or in any social situation, fighting back will never solve anything.  I learned that I need to wait for the right opportunities to try to discuss the matter peacefully in order to affect any changes.  But, I also learned that if the same thing keeps happening over and over and it is adversely affecting me personally, then my only option is to find a way out of the situation.

I also found that the greatest lesson that I learned is gratitude.  The day that I left my abusive situation, even with the threat hanging over my head that he would hunt me down and kill me if I did go, I knew that I would never have a “bad” day again in my life and that is true to this day.  Each morning that I wake up and am given another day to live, I am grateful.  For the job that I have that allows me to pay my debts, I am grateful.  For the wonderful people in my life, most especially my husband, Kirk, I am extremely grateful.

Of course, I am human and I have moments when I get upset with others and certain situations, but they are only moments.  And if I take all of those negatives and put them together, they will never outweigh all of the positives. It also doesn’t mean that there will never be negative situations in my life for long periods of time.  However, I can choose to look at them as only negatives and be upset about how they are affecting me personally or I can try to find the lesson in them to see whether there is something that I can learn which will turn things around.  But, most importantly, I know that I always have the power to make changes in my life that will eliminate those negatives if they continue to be detrimental to me.  That is the most important thing – to take my power and use it only for one purpose and that is to make things better.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

Recently, a dear friend of mine, Tara, shared with me a very special story in response to one that I had sent to her.  To me, her telling of her very unique experience set the stage for me for the holidays and what I believe they truly represent.  Therefore, with her permission, I would like, in turn, to share it with you as we begin this holiday season.  Perhaps we may choose to think about things a little differently with regard to our giving and caring and sharing with others.

“The Cracked Pot story reminded me of something that really happened to us one Christmas Eve a long time ago. We took the kids into the city, in fact, I forgot what we did…maybe a dinner?? A show??? Whatever it was, we spent a lot of money……so much that we decided to walk the long length of the river down to where you catch the ferries to Hoboken where we would pick up our car waiting for us on the other side. 

The day had been cold and dreary, and not a nice one to be outside. It was near evening and we were in a hurry to get home and be warm and safe. But we paused for a moment by the river, watching the lights in NJ blinking on in the distance across the water, because even though the area was crappy, and a celebration of urban blight, it still looked pretty, as though for this one time, in honor of  Christmas Eve, the natural beauty of the area transcended  the surrounding ugliness. Hearing a sound below, we looked through the barbed wire fence and saw a homeless man, obviously deranged, messing obsessively about in the vast junk heap, fussing about with great energy and importance. He was very busy, and mumbling to himself, and as usual, the little pang I feel for all mentally ill people poked me in the heart again. Poor wreck of a human being!!!  Was he looking for food? Looking for drugs? Was he an ex-vet?? An ex-con?? Did he have schizophrenia?? How did he get like this?? Could he be capable of rape….or murder??? Where was his family??  These are the thoughts that pass through your mind when you see this sort of thing, so I wasn’t prepared for the moment when this ragged man, who looked like he hadn’t shaved or showered in two years, limped over to a corrugated iron hut he had evidently put together and pulled back the curtain to the door. A wounded pelican was seated in a broken dirty basket on a table, its wing carefully bandaged. The man went to it, and by the way he stroked the bird and lovingly fed it bits of food you could see they were old friends. He had set himself a plate and a knife and a fork, and sat down to enjoy his Christmas Eve meal …with his pelican. A person who most people would assume to be at the bottom of life’s barrel had the humanity, the love and the initiative to look after something other than himself. God, I so wanted to rush down there and give him a 20 dollar bill, and wish him a Merry Christmas, but there was no easy access to do so and the barbed wire fence we leaned on was almost over our heads…. and the ferry boat approached, and the horn sounded, and it was the last one of the evening, and so we had to rush off. And to this day, I regret that. I wish now I had stayed, and helped the man and taken a taxi ride home. But at least I took away with me, from that time… a valuable lesson…that no matter how little
you think you can contribute, we all can contribute something, and those who can contribute a lot should make it their personal duty to do so. And for some reason after seeing that man and his pelican, I never felt sorry for
myself again.”  Do you have an inspirational story that you would like to share? 

COMMENTS

Earlier this week, I watched some of the coverage of the devastation from the earthquakes and tsunamis in the regions of Indonesia and those sights were totally surreal.  I watched local coverage of those people who lost family and friends in those parts of the world and couldn’t begin to imagine what they were feeling.  And then my mind wandered to thoughts of how everything can be changed forever in a single moment and how fragile life really is.

Many turned away from the news stories and buried themselves in other programming but I don’t really think that it is because they didn’t care or weren’t concerned because it didn’t happen in their areas.  I think that it was because they didn’t want to confront the reality of the devastation, the loss of so many lives, the extent of injuries and the photos of all of the people who did survive who were left without homes and food and water and had no idea of how they could possibly keep going.  And then I couldn’t help but wonder, what if something like that had happened to me today?

I know how truly fortunate I am.  I know that the most important thing in my life has always been and will always be other people.  I have the best husband in the world and I absolutely treasure the person that he is and the love and caring that he gives to me every single day.  I have only a few family members left and they live on the other side of the country but I know that they are always there for us and that is something that money can’t buy.  I have wonderful friends and co-workers and we all look out for one another.  All of that means more to me than I could ever express.  And that is when I realized that if something like a devastating earthquake happened in my area today, as long as my husband and our families and friends all made it through, we would be just fine.

The reason I know that is that I have seen the power of people united before.  I have seen people gather and help one another at times of crisis.  No, I am not naïve enough to believe that everyone is that way.  I have seen the other side of humanity at times like the Los Angeles riots in the early 90′s.  But, even at that time when I was living alone, I did have three other friends who had joined me in my home and we all hung in there together until the immediate dangers had past and it was once again safe to leave the area.  And when we left, one of those friends took me to his family’s home where I stayed until it was safe to return to my own place.

It was in that moment when I realized that should some major event occur in my area, I really had nothing to fear.  As has happened in the past, I would once again be surrounded by people who would all help each other, those who quite often put the safety of others ahead of their own, those who have compassion and caring to soothe those who are frightened and those who would contribute everything they have to the good of everyone around them.  After all, I truly believe that this is the nature of most human beings and in times of crisis, everyone helps everyone else in whatever manner they can.

I would love your comments.

It’s that time of the year again.  Today is my birthday.  While it is probably the least celebrated birthday ever, it is the most appreciated.  What a year it has been!  There is no way that I could have imagined the monumental changes that have taken place since this time last year.

I have this thing about birthdays.  I think that a person’s birthday is their very special day of the entire year and that it should be treated as a very special event.  I think that your birthday is the day that God gives you a promotion.  Remember when you were in school?  If you completed a successful school year and learned your lessons, you got promoted to the next grade.  Well, that is how I think of birthdays.  If you complete your year successfully by learning the life lessons that you need, then God promotes you to the next year.

Now I also think that we all have some subjects in school that were harder to learn than others.  And when we didn’t make the grade in that certain subject, we had to repeat the lessons until we learned what we needed before we passed.  I look at life lessons the same way.  I really believe that we get a chance to learn many lessons in this lifetime and that we have to repeat those lessons over and over until we learn them and then we can move on.  Therefore, we can pay attention to what we are doing and learn the first time over keep repeating them as many times as it takes to get them right.

Oh, life can be so easy if only we would allow ourselves to make it so.  Each day can be such a pleasure that we can enjoy by doing a quality job and sharing our time with lots of really incredible people.  And we can laugh and enjoy our experiences and grow in life by learning from each other. 

So today I got promoted.  This was the hardest year ever but I can truly say that despite all of the obstacles that I encountered, I learned so much more about all of the people around me.  I cannot begin to tell you what it means to have the best husband in the world who not only has been there in the good times in the past but who proved how awesome he is through all of the toughest times that came my way this year and he showed me what it means to share them all successfully and come out the other end better than ever.

I had family members with whom I have not had much contact in recent years suddenly come forward with offers of support and help in every way imaginable and they have not just faded into the sunset after the hardest hurdles have been crossed.  I have had friends and co-workers with whom I have reached levels of understanding and appreciation that I could never have imagined. 

All of this has added up to one understanding in my mind and that is that had I taken the time to appreciate all that I have in my life with so many awesome people, maybe I would never have had to go through the whole cancer crisis to learn this lesson.  I hope that I am wiser for understanding how I have grown and that I will never be foolish enough again in the future to have to learn a lesson the hard way.  What a wonderful life I have!!!!

I had to run some errands this morning and while I was getting ready I noticed that it was raining as had been predicted. I checked the weather report and I heard that it was suppose to continue all day. Right before I was ready to depart, I was hoping that it would at least slow down to a drizzle and I looked through the blinds to find out that it had stopped completely. I immediately found myself saying “Thank you” as I put on my coat to head out. Then I started musing about that “Thank you”.I realized that it was directed to God and that somewhere along the line I had gotten into the habit of thanking God for all of the wonderful things that have come my way. In fact, in my daily prayers I find that I thank Him for everything that he has done for me (and Kirk, and family, etc.), for everything that He is doing and for everything that he will do.

I don’t remember exactly when I started doing that. I know that someone had told me to do it and at the time it felt right, so, I did it. And as I thought about it today, I remember that over the years, whenever something wonderful came my way, I felt such a high level of elation as I thanked Him for so many things. I realized that I had also slipped into it in my daily life on just about every level. For example, if someone cut me off while driving, I thanked Him for keeping me from getting into an accident. That helped me because I was using my energy in that manner rather than getting pissed off at the driver who cut me off. Or when I got some wonderful news about something, my thoughts went immediately to that every present “Thank you”. Often I actually feel like I am jumping up and down on the inside and I just can’t stop smiling.

Now as I reflect on it, I find that the more that I got into the habit of saying “Thank you” out loud or in my thoughts, I realized that the gratitude I felt would make me feel so happy. Heck, I was so grateful for so many things in my life that it seemed like I was pretty much happy all of the time. When I get bad news, I still am quite capable of getting upset and feeling sorry for myself and I do allow myself to let that out. But rather than staying in that mindset for any period of time, I find that I start to focus on all of the reasons as to why this “bad” news may not be so bad.

I find that this exercise of positive thinking works best when whatever is occurring is happening to me. I am the one who can create the reasons why a particular situation is something for which I am grateful and I am the one who can translate that gratitude into something positive that, in turn, is something that will make me create happiness for myself.
And by the same token, I wish that somehow I could find the way to show this process to others. Perhaps that is what I am hoping to accomplish by these writings.

I have so many wonderful people around me. I wish that there was a manual that I could write that would teach everyone how to create this happiness. So far, the best that I have been able to do is to live my life in a way that hopefully will serve as a good example to others in knowing that happiness is something that we can all own and to share my positive outlook with others so that they can see what a difference it makes.

Every time that I thank someone for whatever kindness they may have done for you or every time that someone appreciates what I have done for them, there is a feeling of gratitude toward one another that is indescribable. And the more that I create that gratitude in my life, the more I create happiness. Seems like a pretty interesting habit to get into if you ask me.