Holiday Lessons Learned By This Breast Cancer Survivor

As I find myself reflecting on the recent holiday season, I think that they were the best ones that I have ever had. This is not because of the presents that I received but rather because of the time that I spent with others and the conversations that we had that helped me to understand better not only those who are most important to me but also to learn more about myself.

I know that it isn’t easy to put thoughts and feelings into words, especially when they are very personal nature. Whether what you want to say is how you feel about someone else or how you are feeling inside, quite often the real words that you would need to express those feelings just don’t exist. For example, you say, “I love you” to your children, to your friends, to your family members and to the most special person in your life and while the words are the same, the meaning in each case is completely unique. That is why it is so often difficult to put our true feelings into words that others will understand.

“Doing something nice or kind for someone else will make you feel so much better about yourself and soon you will become a better person as you continue doing the same things on a regular basis.”Barbara Jacoby

The same is true for trying to express your own feelings about what is happening inside of yourself. For example, a breast cancer survivor may say to another person that they are so grateful just to be alive but for someone who has not had the same experience, they may not understand. The other person may feel that the survivor is being melodramatic or just seeking attention. This is because unless you have traveled the same road, you have no frame of reference in order to know what a psychological impact that cancer has upon a person.

In the same way, someone may try to explain how their past has affected the person that they are today. If someone tells you all of the negative things that have happened to them, you may have difficulty in understanding if these experiences are not yours. If someone was physically abused, they probably won’t be able to explain the effects that it has had on them, even long after the abuse has stopped. If someone doesn’t feel that they measure up to the expectations of others, the profound effects that this can create is not always understood by others when they try to explain to others how something that happened to them as a child still affects them as an adult. And if someone has had all of these things happen to them, most often they can’t see any way to ever overcome all of it and have a happy life.

I agree that it isn’t easy and for some, nothing will ever change because a person may not want to change the dialogue that runs through their head. But, if that is not the case, there is always a way out. I have found that you must do two things. You must not pay attention to what others think or say about you and you must change the negative dialogue that runs through your head.

With regard to what others have to say, you will find that those who have the most to say about others are doing everything possible to deflect from dealing with the reality of how they choose to behave and think about themselves. People who say and do bad things to others have no self-respect and therefore they have no respect for others. They believe that if they guilt others into doing and acting as they wish, they are in control of that person because obviously they are not in control of themselves. But what they don’t understand is that anyone who can treat someone else in such a disrespectful way is not a nice person and there is absolutely no reason to share your good time and space with such individuals, no matter the relationship between the two of you

The other thing is to change that negative dialogue that you heard from others and continue to perpetuate in your own mind. Because someone has said something about you doesn’t make it so. Those who speak about others in negative ways are calling on what is happening within themselves and not what is happening inside someone else. You can’t speak on others’ experiences because you don’t know their experiences; you only know your own life happenings and therefore, that is the only knowledge to which you can call upon when you do or say anything.

So, start telling yourself what a good person you are and remind yourself of all of the nice things and kind things you do for others. This is the reality of who you are and if you don’t have anything positive on which to call on from inside yourself then it is time to change your behavior. Doing something nice or kind for someone else will make you feel so much better about yourself and soon you will become a better person as you continue doing the same things on a regular basis. There is always hope for the future if you just embrace that knowledge and do something to move in that direction.