So, you have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and you are facing a double mastectomy and reconstruction along with a parathyroid/thyroid surgery at some point.  What do you do?  Yes, I did go to Disneyland. But, if you are me and you have the most supportive and awesome husband imaginable, you start writing a weekly blog.  You see, Kirk kept nudging me to write about my experiences and he promised that he would create and manage a website for me where I could write about anything that I wanted and he would take care of the rest.

Today is the 52^nd blog for year four.  Through a total of 4 surgeries for 6 separate procedures, we never missed so much as 1 weekly blog in all of that time.  I am feeling so very proud of that accomplishment and the commitment that it took to make it happen, not only on my part but also on Kirk’s part.  But, I must say that this would never have reached this 4-year anniversary if it were not for all of the wonderful people and all of the support that I have received from the social media community.  There are so many people that I have met initially on Facebook and Twitter and even MySpace who will be friends forever.  I have been invited into so many homes and lives that I would never have known if it were not for so many wonderful experiences that I have had in the cyber world.  And if it were not for Kirk’s gentle prodding, there is no way that I would have become a part of the social media world.

Therefore, as we kick off year 5 next week, I was trying to think about what I could do in order to recognize some of those wonderful people who have been so special and supportive to me and for whom I am so very grateful.  As a result, I have created the “Gratitootie Award” that will recognize each week one very special person who has made a difference in my life.  I am looking forward to recognizing these people who may not even realize what a difference they have made by sharing their own special story or who may have provided support in ways they may never have even realized.

I know that I will never be able to acknowledge every single person for whom I am grateful and I am sure that you may also have special people whom you have met as a result of their connection to the social media world that you would also like to acknowledge so please stay tuned for further details later in 2012 to find out how you, too, can have those people to whom you are so grateful receive a Gratitootie Award.

As for me, I would love to thank each and every person who has become a part of my cyber world and to let you know what a difference you have made.  If it were not for you and this most wonderful opportunity to share here with you, I know that my life and my future would never have had the most fabulous outlook that I am visualizing.  You have given me a purpose that I would otherwise never have known and a venue for sharing that has allowed me to know that I am not alone in my experiences and what I have shared has made a difference for all of use. For that, I will be eternally grateful.

I did not watch the premiere episode of Kim Kardashian’s series last Sunday but I couldn’t help but take notice of the clip that was included in a story from Dr. Drew Pinsky accusing Kim of domestic violence against her soon-to-be-ex husband.  On my first pass of the clip, I was taken aback by the intensity with which she threw a punch at Kris Humphries but I must admit that I did not immediately say to myself that what she was doing was domestic abuse.  After all, she is so small in size in comparison to her athlete husband.

Dr. Drew is absolutely correct in his assessment and this is further corroborated by his guest speaker for this piece, clinical psychologist Michelle Golland.  I don’t know whether this was the first time that she launched a physical attack on him but this is the way that a cycle of abuse begins.  The incident occurred after Kris accidentally broke her toenail.  I can’t begin to imagine the anger that must have welled up inside of her to even consider taking a punch at someone who would certainly be in a position to wreak incredible harm upon her unless she was very secure in the knowledge that he would never do anything like that.  And over an accidentally broken toe nail?  I can’t even begin to imagine what she would do if it was something that was of a really important nature.

I can only hope that those who watched the show and those who may have read or seen the story will take a moment to understand that this is the face of domestic violence.  It doesn’t matter if it is Kim and Kris or your friends or family or neighbors.  Anyone who can physically hit, punch, etc. another human being is being abusive and this is a crime.  Think about it if it were one stranger taking a swing at another stranger.  That would be immediate grounds for a charge of assault and battery.

This incident also puts a face on domestic violence against men.  Most people will look at this as something funny but it is anything but that.  A woman who can strike her husband, partner, child, etc. is an abuser and needs help.  No one should ever attack another person regardless of the circumstances unless it is in self-defense in response to a crime being committed against them.  Please understand that a person who is able to attack another adult is also very capable of inflicting abuse on a child so if you know of a relationship where a partner is abusing another person, you can be quite sure that if there are children in that relationship, the children are being abused also.

Kim Kardashian needs help.  This is a growing epidemic throughout the world and this incident once more brings that to light.  This behavior will escalate as her anger and frustrations escalate and she will find a new recipient for her abuse after Kris is gone.  I can only hope that as we all see and read more about abuse, we will step up to the plate and do our part to help those who are in need.  The children are growing up in a very angry and abusive world and if we all do our part to stop the abuse, we can make a better life for everyone.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

I am not who you think I am.  If you know that I am a domestic abuse survivor, you most likely think that I am weak and stupid for getting myself into such a situation in the first place and for staying as long as I did.  Most likely, you view me as a victim, mostly because of my lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.  This is the sad face given to most people who are domestic abuse survivors and not at all a reality.

If you didn’t know that I am an abuse survivor, you most likely would think that I am a quiet, non-combative and hard working person who can be pushed around and treated any way that you wish without there being any repercussions.  You would also think that I am one of the happiest people that you will ever meet and that there is nothing that hurts me more than to see another person hurting or being abused.  And if this is your perception of me, you would be correct.  But this reality would have never been reached if it were not for having lived the domestic abuse life that I did for 10 years.  Let me explain.

There are many lessons that I have learned from the abusive situation.  One of the two most important ones is that nothing is ever accomplished or improved by fighting, arguing or attacking someone else, either verbally and/or physically.  I learned that if someone is attacking me, the only thing to do is to become quiet and do not fight back.  I may be 100% in the right but it does not matter if I lose myself, my dignity and perhaps even my life as a result.  This applies to any situation in my life.  However, this does not mean that I can be pushed around by someone for an indefinite period of time.  If I am being abused, mistreated or constantly disrespected at home or on the job or in any social situation, fighting back will never solve anything.  I learned that I need to wait for the right opportunities to try to discuss the matter peacefully in order to affect any changes.  But, I also learned that if the same thing keeps happening over and over and it is adversely affecting me personally, then my only option is to find a way out of the situation.

I also found that the greatest lesson that I learned is gratitude.  The day that I left my abusive situation, even with the threat hanging over my head that he would hunt me down and kill me if I did go, I knew that I would never have a “bad” day again in my life and that is true to this day.  Each morning that I wake up and am given another day to live, I am grateful.  For the job that I have that allows me to pay my debts, I am grateful.  For the wonderful people in my life, most especially my husband, Kirk, I am extremely grateful.

Of course, I am human and I have moments when I get upset with others and certain situations, but they are only moments.  And if I take all of those negatives and put them together, they will never outweigh all of the positives. It also doesn’t mean that there will never be negative situations in my life for long periods of time.  However, I can choose to look at them as only negatives and be upset about how they are affecting me personally or I can try to find the lesson in them to see whether there is something that I can learn which will turn things around.  But, most importantly, I know that I always have the power to make changes in my life that will eliminate those negatives if they continue to be detrimental to me.  That is the most important thing – to take my power and use it only for one purpose and that is to make things better.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

I just learned yesterday that October has been designated as Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  This started my thinking about this major epidemic that seems to be growing worldwide and what I might be able to do in order to help to find a solution to this problem.  And after hours of pondering this matter, I realized that I have absolutely no idea about what to do.

October is also known as Breast Cancer Awareness Month and for that we have a very well-defined message and ultimate solution.

In order to change the outcome of a particular situation, we must first look at the cause for it.  In the case of domestic violence, there are so many causes not the least of which are what people choose to teach their children such as men are suppose to control women, that women are their property and that men are king of their castles.  In such cases, the women are treated as servants and their behavior is controlled in all aspects and when the women are not compliant, they will suffer the appropriate consequences for their non-compliance.  Then there are those whose own self-esteem is so low that they feel that their power exists in their ability to control others, be it a wife, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, children and even animals.  And for those who sexually abuse children, I don’t know what the mental process is that would allow for such a behavior to even be conceived in the first place so I am inclined to believe that there is some sort of mental imbalance.  And I truly believe that all physical abuse of any kind is made worse by substance abuse.

So, what might be a solution?  Despite laws that are already in place, the problem continues to escalate.  For those who are arrested for abuse, they will most likely return to their victims and punish them with even greater abuse for having reported them.  There is also the element of fear that comes with abuse as the abuser threatens their victims that if they tell, they will be killed, their families will be made to suffer or at the very least, they will be abused again.  There are also those abusers who actually convince their victims that it was the victim’s fault that this happened, that they asked for it by not listening or disobeying the rules or dressing too provocatively or spending too much money or flirting with someone else, etc.  The list goes on forever.  And there are those who are in positions of authority who abuse because they know that they will not be arrested or charged or if they are, they will be able to buy their way out of the situation or resort to the old adage that it is your word against theirs and who is going to believe anyone other than the powerful person.

I don’t think that there is much that we can do other than what we are already doing.  Anyone who is not or has not been a victim cannot begin to understand abuse and therefore, is not likely to even care about it as it doesn’t affect them.  To fight for more legislation will only increase the likelihood that the abuser will increase his abusive behavior.  No laws or restraining orders or the promise of greater punishment will ever deter a true abuser who is usually so angry that they are not even able to contain themselves if they realize that what they are doing is wrong.

The only thing that we can do is to help those who choose to leave.  If a woman needs to leave an abusive situation, she needs a safe place to go and to take her children, if necessary.  Those who are abused need to be able to file for an order of protection and to know that if the order is violated, they can find a safe haven from their abusers.  Nothing will ever stop the retribution from all abusers just as nothing will stop all murderers from killing but we can do more to offer protection and a new start to those who need it.  That is the message that I would like to be the core of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

A Sunday morning brunch at The Blvd Restaurant at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel would be the perfect way to start my day on any given Sunday.  However, the sharing of the wonderful food was greatly enhanced by the gathering with some 20 other individuals for the first ever “Los Angeles Social Media Professionals Association” brunch.  The brainchild of this organization is Allison Nassour and with the help of Lauren Breuning who is the social media director for the hotel which sponsored the event, we all gathered to network, brainstorm and receive a touch of therapy from each other with the goal of expanding our knowledge and abilities when using the various forms of social media.

I was struck by the variety of businesses, non-profits and causes represented by this group of people and the dedication that each person had to their business and/or purpose for embracing social media.  As expected, most discussions centered on Twitter and Facebook but other topics were discussed including the latest in technological advances in hardware.  Many ideas were provided by other members of the group to address specific needs of those individuals who were facing their own problems or who needed input regarding such things as the best utilization of advertising dollars.

As I sat there listening to everyone, I couldn’t help but think about the limited amount of time that social media has been a part of our lives and how quickly everything is growing.  I am so ecstatic about all of the possibilities that social media can provide to anyone who is willing to embrace it.  I also know that the toughest battle right now is to reach those who don’t understand this revolution, don’t want to learn about something new like this and who believe that it is nothing but a mechanism where kids and teens can interact with one another.

Eggs n Hashtags attendees group photo.

I feel very fortunate to have been invited to participate in this group and for those like me who are out there trying to expand and improve our social media experiences, I would like to suggest that you start your own social media groups for sharing and learning.  Many of us do not have the big budgets to build the flashiest sites or pay for major advertising.  Many do not even wish to have a site but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want to be able to access sites that have the information for which they are searching.

For me, I know that I appreciate it when other tweeters tell me about their great hotel and dining experiences.  And when I find great places like that myself, I love to share with all of those with whom I can connect.  But, what is most important to me about the social media sites is that I can share with others the latest information, stories, perspectives, experiences and opportunities for those who are looking for information pertaining to cancer and domestic abuse survival and support.  I know that each of us who are engaged in social media on this level have a product or cause in which we believe deeply and we are willing to spend the time and effort to do everything that we can in order to share what we have and what we know with others.  I found today one more tool that allows me to do just that and I know that everyone who participated today was able to walk away with at least one more idea that will enhance their efforts.  That makes it all worthwhile to me.

I have been summoned to jury duty in a criminal court tomorrow and I must say that I am deeply disturbed by this.  I am one who takes my civic duty very seriously so I never considered not going.  However, I know that I would never be able to actually serve on a jury that involves a case where assault weapons are involved because of my past experiences with domestic abuse and having been a witness to a murder.  I would not be able to be impartial but it is not because of what you might think.  As an abuse survivor, I would never vote to convict anyone accused of a crime involving assault weapons.

This started my thinking about others who have been abused in the same way that I was and wondering if the call to a criminal court would affect them in the same way.  It reminded me of my own personal years of being physically abused and threatened with a loaded gun in my face.  It reminded me of the times when I was promised that if I ever left my abuser, he would hunt me down and kill me.  It brought to mind all of the cases with which I am familiar where such criminals were tried and convicted and released from jail and what they did in retribution to those who were responsible for their being jailed.

I believe that any person who can physically assault another person in any way, shape or form has a very different mind set than others who are not capable of doing so.  Whether such behavior is a mental problem or a learned behavior or a combination thereof, I don’t know.  But, the one thing that I do know is that I have not seen one case where such a person has not continued such behavior throughout his or her life and when such behavior is punished, the aggressor only becomes more enraged and seeks retribution on an even greater level.  Most often, that retribution is directed to those who were responsible for the punishment that the aggressor received.

In my own case, I witnessed a man kill another man over a $5.00 bet on a pool game.  The murderer was given a 5-year jail term and may have been released earlier on good behavior.  I knew the district attorney in this case and he said that of all of the criminals that he had convicted in his career, this was the one that he was most concerned about what he would do when he was released from jail.  I left town within the year and never looked back.

With regard to the domestic abuse, my husband’s abuse escalated during the time that I was in our home and I knew that my way out was not through the court system.  Had I ever had him arrested, there would have been a huge penalty to pay.  I can only imagine what would have happened if it had ever escalated to the point where he committed a crime that would have gone before a jury.  If he had not been convicted, the retribution would have been bad enough but if he had been jailed, I would have definitely feared for my life.  Being promised that I would be killed anyway if I ever left was enough for me.  I left town and went into hiding from him and never looked back.  And only when I knew that he had died did I ever really stop mentally looking over my shoulder.

With the jury duty looming in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder about all of the others who have experienced physical abuse and violence and what they think and feel about having to sit on a criminal jury.  I can’t believe that anyone who has ever lived physical violence in any form would be able to be impartial in hearing a case involving violence.  Nor can I believe that facing such a possibility would not bring back a past that survivors have worked so hard to put behind them.  Of course, I am only speaking for myself but I certainly do not think that I am alone.

…then this message is for you.  I do not remember any time in the past that I have heard so many stories about abuse that angered me.  My anger is not at the abusers this time however but for those who are being or have been abused.  The idea that we are “survivors” is no longer acceptable to me.  No one “survives” abuse.  We are abuse “conquerors” and I intend to explain why I am so fired up.

I have heard from others and read so many stories

There is the story of the woman whose husband was threatening her with a gun who took a risk and called the police and when the police arrived, he turned the gun on them and he was shot and killed.  And there is the woman who was abused repeatedly as a child and teen and who is fighting her way through putting it all behind her by addressing the issues in every way possible and on every varying level.

None of these women or any other person who has left an abusive situation is a survivor.  None of these women or any other person who has faced abuse is weak or fragile.  They may have felt as though they were weak or fragile or stupid for having gotten into such a situation in the first place but they were all smart enough to know that they couldn’t just leave and strong enough to endure until they found the answers that they needed in order to be able to escape.

For those of you who have successfully removed yourselves from any kind of an abusive situation please know that we understand that this is only the beginning of another whole fight.  That fight does not just deal with finding a new life regarding home, work, raising children, etc. but also dealing with all of the psychological effects that the abuse created.  Even decades later, with lots of hard work, there will still be triggers that take you back to the past, to reliving the abuse and hurting all over again.

So please know that I will no longer subscribe to the concept that you are “survivors”.  You have had to fight battles that most people will never know or understand just to free yourselves.  You have had to go inside to deal with the effects of that abuse to face how the abuse has changed you and have had the strength to take back your power and your life.  You are abuse conquerors who had the strength to overcome the abuse, to serve as examples to others that they can do the same and to inspire all of us to search for that spirit within to overcome any obstacle that comes our way.  That is not surviving; that’s conquering.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).

Share a COMMENT

I recently received the most amazing story of struggle and survival of a woman who has faced abuse and I would like to share the abbreviated version here.

My name is Jess. I am 29 years old. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I overdosed 12 times my last two being the worse. I woke up on a vent both times. I have been a “cutter” since as long as I can remember. I cut, burn, anything to hurt myself.  My last overdose was Nov. 5, 2009.  I have not cut or burned myself since then. I still have flashbacks of past abuse and still struggle with things… but I find other ways to cope now… and it’s not always easy. I didn’t know how much detail to go into. I just found this site. But I want you to share my story and I will be available for anyone who wants to contact me as helping others is what keeps me going. :>)  jjess2630@aol.com

I can’t begin to imagine what this woman has already gone through and has not only survived but wants to help others.  I do understand what she says about helping others as something that keeps her going.  I have lived that exact same experience in so many ways.  After leaving my abusive situation, I did not receive help or counseling so I carried all of it with me for more years than I care to remember.  It wasn’t until I started talking about what had happened and started sharing my story with others that I was able to deal with the past.

I am so grateful that Jess found this site and has offered to help others.  She has had experiences that I can’t even begin to imagine and I know that there are others out there who know what Jess has experienced because they have gone down the same road.  Her story lets those who can relate know that there is always a way out, that there is always someone who can and will help in their own way and I am so glad that Jess has chosen to join me and all of the other survivors who are here and willing to reach out to help others who have either successfully left their abusive situation or are looking for a way to do so.

I encourage you to contact Jess if you would like to share with her.  I also encourage anyone else who would like to share their story with me in order that it can be shared with others either to just let them know that they are not alone, or if you choose, to share so that I can let others know about you and your desire to help in any way that you can.  I have found that the more that we tell our stories, the more that we are personally helped by the sharing.  By sharing, we are also helping others to overcome.

Abuse doesn’t need to be kept as a deep, dark secret.  We have nothing to hide, nothing of which to be ashamed, nothing that should diminish us.  We have been used, abused, taken advantaged of and we didn’t do a single thing to deserve it except to believe the abuser.  It doesn’t matter whether we were abused because we thought we loved the person who abused us or if we were abused because we were threatened by harm to ourselves and/or the ones we love or a combination of both.  We were hurt in ways that others will never be able to understand and we can choose to finally speak out and help others.  If we can save even one person from being abused or further abused, then we will have accomplished something that perhaps no other person would ever be able to do.  Just know that Jess and I and a whole bunch of other survivors are here for you if you wish to contact us.

Share a COMMENT

On Sunday evening, July 17^th, 2011, the movie “Cyberbully” will premiere on the ABC Family network (scheduled to air at 8 p.m. & 10 p.m. PDT) and I believe that it is a “must see” for every person who is a user of social media.  This movie is addressing the growing problem of digital bullying and the impact that it has on our young people who are most often the recipients of this abuse.  And while the most tragic outcomes of bullying occur with younger people, this is a problem that can affect people of any age.

Many will say that they have the right to post anything that they want on the Internet sites because their rights are protected under the “freedom of speech” provisions in our Constitution.  They will also say that if they were not free to do so then there would be laws to punish them for doing so.  They will say that this is a democracy and they have the freedom to speak out and voice their opinions in any way that they choose.  Boy, would our founding fathers be so disappointed with this interpretation for the abuse of others based upon their intentions to protect the rights of everyone!

I believe that the use of social media brings with it a social responsibility.  In the past, when someone wrote something that was defamatory about another person, they could be sued for libel.  I don’t know whether the same standard would apply to postings on the Internet but because of the speed at which such writings can be spread to an enormous audience, the damage to the individual is often done long before someone can even consider holding the perpetrator responsible in a court of law.  That is why I believe that each of us needs to be responsible for doing everything that we can to stop this growing problem and to help those who have become victims already.

Tied to this movie, ABC Family and Seventeen magazine have started a “delete digital drama” campaign by talking more about it on air, in print and online.  By doing so, our young people will have the opportunity to understand that they are not alone and that there is help available to them.  But, we, as adults, are in a unique position whereby we can help our youth and our peers as well by setting the standards for appropriate online social media behavior.  When we see or receive anything that is in the form of derogatory commentary about another person, we should be responsible for not only not sharing the comments but also deleting them on the spot.  We need to understand that we are personally responsible for how we use the power of social media and how any inappropriate behavior can have a devastating effect on another person.  We need to understand that we are personally responsible for whatever bad outcomes result from this type of bullying even if we did not write the comments ourselves but chose to share and spread them.

Please join me in looking out for one another, especially the young people, and helping to protect each other from this new form of abuse.  We would do no less if we knew that someone was being verbally or physically abused and would never even think of doing something like that to another person.  This is no different.  If we take steps now to stop cyber bullying each and every time that we see it, it can’t be perpetuated in the long run.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of bullying please go to stompoutbullying.org or call 855 790 HELP.

Share a COMMENT

Like all of the other people with whom I have spoken, I was shocked by the verdicts in the Casey Anthony trial.  Two jurors, one regular and one alternate, have spoken out about the decision.  The regular juror indicated that they could not convict because the cause of death had not been proven.  The alternate indicated that they did not believe that Casey was guilty because she was a good mother.  Both indicated that they had no choice but to acquit based on the evidence and the fact that the prosecutors did not prove their case.  But, unless I watched an entirely different case, I will never understand this decision.

Why would the cause of death be the deciding factor?  What difference does it make?  Kaylee is dead, no doubt about it.  How many times have guilty verdicts been reached with no body at all?  I thought that the law stated that it was necessary to prove, beyond a “reasonable” doubt, who was the person responsible for the death.  It is hard for me to look past the fact that Casey’s mom was the one who initially reported the disappearance of her granddaughter after more than a month and that she indicated that the trunk of Casey’s car smelled like a dead person.  It is hard for me to believe that Kaylee accidentally drowned when there was duct tape on her skull.  It is hard for me to believe that Casey wasn’t the one who was researching chloroform on the family’s computer.  And with all of the ever changing stories about the child being with the nanny, then being kidnapped by the nanny, etc., I don’t think that there was even a “reasonable” doubt Casey was totally, completely and absolutely responsible for Kaylee’s death.

The alternate indicated that the jury members believed that Casey was a good mother.  I would love to know on what basis that determination was made.  If your child was missing and you believed that she was kidnapped, wouldn’t you call the police?  If your child was missing, would you be out partying and having a fun time in the nightclubs?  If your daughter was missing, wouldn’t you be out searching with everyone else in order to find her?  I saw one video where Casey was playing with Kaylee but I wouldn’t think that she would be classified as a good mother on that basis.  I just can’t understand what would have been entered into evidence in that courtroom that would have led anyone to believe that Casey was a good mother.

So here we are left with no justice for Kaylee.  How can that be?  A 2-year old is dead and no justice will be served in her having lost her life.  What could have been done differently that could have resulted in the jury convicting Casey?  I really haven’t a clue as I thought that there was certainly more than enough evidence to convict Casey.  So Casey not only gets off with her life but she also gets her freedom!  Now what!

Here is my hope for Casey’s future.  I hope that she is not able to make a single penny off of this travesty.  I am sure that there will be those who will line up to pay her a lot of money for interviews and book rights and/or movie rights and I hope that no one will pay their good money or spend their good time watching or fueling her money coffers because she killed her daughter.  I hope that her 15 minutes of fame ends as soon as she gets out of jail.  I do hope that she is sued civilly as has been suggested by the woman who is a nanny and lost her ability to work because she had the same name as the bogus nanny who supposedly kidnapped Kaylee.  And I hope that Casey never has a moment of peace for what she did to her daughter.  No one has the right to take the life of any person and it is even more horrific to me when it is a child who they are supposed to protect.  And I beg that she never has another child of her own or an adopted child who may have to face the same insanity that allowed Kaylee to lose her life.