Compassion
January 8, 2012 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Breast Cancer, Creating Happiness, Recent Posts
Compassion is defined by Dictionary.com as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. That sounds about right to me. In situation like natural disasters, we all feel so very sorry for those affected and we reach into our pockets to make donations to relief efforts to help to the best of our abilities. However, in situations where a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or a colleague loses his job or a friend is going through an ugly divorce, the lines are not so easily defined.
The problem is not with the first part of this definition. Regardless of the situation, we do have “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow” for the other person. But the confusion arises when we try to put into play our “strong desire to alleviate the suffering”. Let’s take the example of a loved one being diagnosed with cancer. We may have had a personal experience with dealing with cancer or we may know someone else who has. The first thing that we want to do is share our personal experiences because we are sure that by doing so, we are helping the other person. But, this is anything but the best approach.
Each person’s experience and reaction is as uniquely different as is our own fingerprint. When a person is diagnosed with cancer, the last thing that is needed is for someone to start telling them what they should do, how they should be thinking, what the best course of action will be and what course of treatment will be the best. And despite what anyone else advises, true compassion will only come if you allow your loved one to deal with the situation in only one way and that is the way that the patient chooses. True compassion comes with your standing by them to help and support them in any way possible with a closed mouth that allows for not telling them what to do. This is a medical situation and therefore, it should be dealt with by helping the patient to secure medical assistance from someone that they trust and letting the medical decisions be decided between the doctor(s) and the patient.
This may be the toughest thing that a person will ever have to experience but you will be of most value and assistance to your loved one by being a good listener and providing whatever other assistance that you can for them and their family. If you are asked for your opinion, even if you have had a similar experience, try to gently explain that you have such a limited perspective and that they would probably do best by asking the same questions of medical personnel who have had extensive experience with lots of people in this arena. You might offer to go along to the doctor’s office for appointments so that you can take notes on what is being discussed so that you have as accurate information as possible but you will do your loved one and yourself the biggest favor by not being part of any decision to be made.
I know that I was very fortunate in this arena as my husband and those few people around me who did know what was happening did not try to force their ideas, opinions, thoughts, directions, etc. on me but allowed me to make my own decisions because that is what I wanted to do. I was the one who had cancer and if I made a wrong decision about a course of action or treatment, it was my choice and no one else would ever have had to feel guilty if something they advised had been my ultimate choice and something had gone wrong. That was the ultimate way in which I could be compassionate to those who were also suffering because of my cancer.
Compassion : Let Life Happen http://t.co/Q9UqjLnv RT @letlifehappen
Thank you so much for the retweet. I sure do appreciate it.
Hi Barbara,
Your post resonated with me today. I know I’ve mentioned before about my friend whose husband lost his battle with cancer this past year. Once he was diagnosed he and the doctors decided on a course of action and started down that road.
His parents, however, were not satisfied with that decision or the diagnosis given by the doctor. They just couldn’t handle the diagnosis so they forced their son (A 39 year old adult) to see two more treatment centers in hopes of different news. He felt strongly about the course of action he had already chosen but went to the other places to please his parents.
After hearing the same news, he continued treatment with the first doctor–his doctor of choice. I know his parents did this out of love but they weren’t respecting his wishes. HE was the one with cancer, not them. HE was the one who received the diagnosis about his own life, not them.
Due to this situation I can see that what you mentioned in your post is so true. It is a difficult thing to experience but supporting the person in the decision that they make for themselves is most important.
Thank you so very much for sharing that story. You are so right that people often force their advice and recommendations on others out of love. But, unless you have walked a mile in a person’s shoes, you don’t know what is in that person’s heart. The best support that another can offer to anyone is to support the individual’s decision to do what is best for himself/herself.
“@letlifehappen: Listen, share & give… http://t.co/PnDEXFA0”
Excellent!
Thank you so much for the RT. I truly appreciate it.
Barbara, One of my closest friends is in the battle with breast cancer right now. Thanks for practical tips on how to show compassion from one who’s been there! Blessings and joy to you.
Oh, I am so grateful for your letting me know. I will be sending out some extra prayers for both of you and must let you know how much I respect you for the love and care that you are giving. I guarantee you that your friend appreciates you so much more than you will ever know.
RT @letlifehappen: You’ll be of most value & assistance to your loved one by being a good listener. – http://t.co/oYkgokSn #cancer…
Thank you so much for the RT. You certainly have extracted the most important message from this blog to share with others.
I definitely agree that everybody’s experience is different and listening is the most powerful thing you can do, but what do you think about support groups? Does it help to know that somebody has already gone through it and hear about what they have experienced on the survivor side?
Best,
Laura, CTCA
Support groups can be the most powerful assistance for a person as well as their families and friends and I am a great proponent of them. For most people, that is exactly what they need and want. My only suggestion is to allow anyone who is going through any kind of a traumatic event to do what works for them as an individual and support the person’s choice.
RT @letlifehappen: Love, love, love those dealing with life challenges. Try not to judge how they’re handling it! http://t.co/PB9vXEqI
Thanks so much for sharing this blog. I truly appreciate it and you for giving it a wider audience.
Compassion – By Barbara Jacoby http://t.co/oP2cTOTi via @letlifehappen
Thank you so much for always being there and understanding my messages. It really means so much to me.
RT @letlifehappen: Sometimes you just need to step back and try to understand. – http://t.co/Ag6JRP0G #quote #LetLifeHappen
I really appreciate your RT. It really means a lot to me.
http://t.co/HJARMybD Compassion : Let Life Happen
Thank you so very much for sharing my blog. I really appreciate it.
RT @letlifehappen: Do you know the definition of compassion? http://t.co/oYkgokSn
Thank you so much for the RT. I know that you understand the meaning of this word because you live it.