If You Know Abuse…
July 31, 2011 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Domestic Abuse, Recent Posts
…then this message is for you. I do not remember any time in the past that I have heard so many stories about abuse that angered me. My anger is not at the abusers this time however but for those who are being or have been abused. The idea that we are “survivors” is no longer acceptable to me. No one “survives” abuse. We are abuse “conquerors” and I intend to explain why I am so fired up.
I have heard from others and read so many stories
There is the story of the woman whose husband was threatening her with a gun who took a risk and called the police and when the police arrived, he turned the gun on them and he was shot and killed. And there is the woman who was abused repeatedly as a child and teen and who is fighting her way through putting it all behind her by addressing the issues in every way possible and on every varying level.
None of these women or any other person who has left an abusive situation is a survivor. None of these women or any other person who has faced abuse is weak or fragile. They may have felt as though they were weak or fragile or stupid for having gotten into such a situation in the first place but they were all smart enough to know that they couldn’t just leave and strong enough to endure until they found the answers that they needed in order to be able to escape.
For those of you who have successfully removed yourselves from any kind of an abusive situation please know that we understand that this is only the beginning of another whole fight. That fight does not just deal with finding a new life regarding home, work, raising children, etc. but also dealing with all of the psychological effects that the abuse created. Even decades later, with lots of hard work, there will still be triggers that take you back to the past, to reliving the abuse and hurting all over again.
So please know that I will no longer subscribe to the concept that you are “survivors”. You have had to fight battles that most people will never know or understand just to free yourselves. You have had to go inside to deal with the effects of that abuse to face how the abuse has changed you and have had the strength to take back your power and your life. You are abuse conquerors who had the strength to overcome the abuse, to serve as examples to others that they can do the same and to inspire all of us to search for that spirit within to overcome any obstacle that comes our way. That is not surviving; that’s conquering.
If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, you can seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline - 800-799-SAFE (7233) – 1.800.787.3224 (TTY).
Share a COMMENT
Barbara ~ I love your passion on this topic and your compassion towards all of the “conquerors”. I feel so numb in comparison, though I do have compassion for others who go through any kind of abuse. I guess it’s just hard for me to go there because it’s all too much. Not just my story, but your story and the stories of others as well.
I read a blog recently by Karen Fennel who wrote the book “Straying Towards Truth”. She was also abused and shares her story in the book. I haven’t read the book yet but I have it. I have always thought of myself as a “survivor” because I made it through hell. But she described me as a victim. This is what she said,
“I define a survivor as someone who is able to attach blame for the abuse to an outside source. A victim feels the guilt and believes that they are responsible for the assault, whereas a survivor searches for the real culprit. When you get pissed at me, I know you are on the hunt. I get a feeling of hope. But the trick is taking aim at the right target and that isn’t always easy.”
I am a victim because part of me still believes that I am to blame. I am getting better and realizing that I was in a position where I couldn’t do anything to change my situation. I am beginning to place the blame. But I like the definition of “conqueror” better than “survivor” or “victim”. I am just getting to the point where I realize how much it took for me to get through everything. When you’re living with it on a daily basis and it’s been that way since you were born, you don’t know any other way. You accept it and everything seems to be “normal”. It’s only after you make it through and find out that it was really so far away from normal that you see how far you’ve come. Takes a lot of work to get through everything but I believe that you can’t ever stop trying to get to a better place. You can’t just sit there and pity yourself you have to fight for life!
Thanks so much for sharing with us. You are a great example of a conqueror. Thanks for all you do to help people!
Blessings ♥ Mandi
Thank you so much for your comments and for all of your wonderful support. I understand where you are and how hard it is for you to know how much you are such an inspiration for everyone who is fortunate enough to cross paths with you in this lifetime. We never see ourselves as others see us and you have no idea how important you are to so very many conquerers as well as to all of your family and friends. A lifetime of believing that you were the cause of any of the horrible choices that others made is beyond horrendous. I know that none of us feel like we are “normal” after having been abused but then what is normal? Every day that we choose to do our best and treat others with the dignity and respect that they deserve only proves what wonderful people we really are. And to be fortunate enough to have all of the love that we have from so many and to be in a position to help others is what I believe life is all about. Thank you so much for making such a difference in my life and I wish for you all of the serenity and understanding that comes when you finally can make peace with the most important person in your life and that is you.