Jessica’s Story – 12 Suicide Attempts After Abuse
July 24, 2011 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Domestic Abuse, Recent Posts
I recently received the most amazing story of struggle and survival of a woman who has faced abuse and I would like to share the abbreviated version here.
My name is Jess. I am 29 years old. I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I overdosed 12 times my last two being the worse. I woke up on a vent both times. I have been a “cutter” since as long as I can remember. I cut, burn, anything to hurt myself. My last overdose was Nov. 5, 2009. I have not cut or burned myself since then. I still have flashbacks of past abuse and still struggle with things… but I find other ways to cope now… and it’s not always easy. I didn’t know how much detail to go into. I just found this site. But I want you to share my story and I will be available for anyone who wants to contact me as helping others is what keeps me going. :>) jjess2630@aol.com
I can’t begin to imagine what this woman has already gone through and has not only survived but wants to help others. I do understand what she says about helping others as something that keeps her going. I have lived that exact same experience in so many ways. After leaving my abusive situation, I did not receive help or counseling so I carried all of it with me for more years than I care to remember. It wasn’t until I started talking about what had happened and started sharing my story with others that I was able to deal with the past.
I am so grateful that Jess found this site and has offered to help others. She has had experiences that I can’t even begin to imagine and I know that there are others out there who know what Jess has experienced because they have gone down the same road. Her story lets those who can relate know that there is always a way out, that there is always someone who can and will help in their own way and I am so glad that Jess has chosen to join me and all of the other survivors who are here and willing to reach out to help others who have either successfully left their abusive situation or are looking for a way to do so.
I encourage you to contact Jess if you would like to share with her. I also encourage anyone else who would like to share their story with me in order that it can be shared with others either to just let them know that they are not alone, or if you choose, to share so that I can let others know about you and your desire to help in any way that you can. I have found that the more that we tell our stories, the more that we are personally helped by the sharing. By sharing, we are also helping others to overcome.
Abuse doesn’t need to be kept as a deep, dark secret. We have nothing to hide, nothing of which to be ashamed, nothing that should diminish us. We have been used, abused, taken advantaged of and we didn’t do a single thing to deserve it except to believe the abuser. It doesn’t matter whether we were abused because we thought we loved the person who abused us or if we were abused because we were threatened by harm to ourselves and/or the ones we love or a combination of both. We were hurt in ways that others will never be able to understand and we can choose to finally speak out and help others. If we can save even one person from being abused or further abused, then we will have accomplished something that perhaps no other person would ever be able to do. Just know that Jess and I and a whole bunch of other survivors are here for you if you wish to contact us.
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Jessica’s Story – 12 Suicide Attempts After Abuse – By Barbara Jacoby http://t.co/Nhu6jQw via @letlifehappen
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing Jess’s story! Jess I’m glad you found this site and decided to share. I can relate to your story because I also suffer from PTSD and I tried to kill myself twice when I was a teenager by taking too many pills. After getting married at 19, I just pushed everything back inside of me and put on my mask for many years. I suffered alone in silence and didn’t tell a soul. I had two kids and they both demanded so much attention so it was easier to avoid and detach from my PTSD. I still suffered but not even my husband knew how much. I finally started working through my abuse 10 years ago when I was 36. That was the first time I ever told another person all of my abuse. I told my husband some things but my therapist is the only person that knows every detail. I am glad you are dealing with your PTSD earlier than I did. The earlier you work through it the better life you’ll lead. Of course that doesn’t mean you will just get over it. But you can get to a better place. I was a good mom but I think I could have been so much better if I had worked on my past when my kids were little.
I also self injure (always working on it) and I had/still struggle with eating disorders. It’s been hard but after working through so much I feel that I’m getting better and stronger all the time. When we share our stories it makes people more aware of abuse and it takes away our shame more and more. Thanks again for sharing your story and I hope you continue to heal along the way.
Blessings ~
Mandi
Thank you for sharing here. I just learned some things about your past that I never knew and I must say that it only enhances my continued awe of you and what you have had to overcome to be the fabulous person that you are. You truly are an inspiration and I hope that others will also appreciate your story as well as Jessie’s story.
mandi thanks for reading.. Also thanks for sharing.. cuting is an addiction and it is very hard to just STOP..Which is why people don’t understand.. Have you ever tried reading the book “scars” it was very interesting and had alot of facts in there.. if you have friends or husband that may need to know alittle more about it.
you are loved…
I have recently started struggling again.. I have not cut.. but i was close.. I have trusted a friend.. and just started letting things out that were really bothering me.. when i left her house I felt so much better like so much was lifted off my shoulders.. I feel so positive on life today.. sometimes we need those times to vent.. because what we have gone through is so traumatic.. and people just dont get over it…. it scars.. us.. but through those things we have been through.. We are much stronger…….. I believe you are a wondeful mother.. Keep pushing foward.. and if you ever wanna talk.. you have my email….
I also tell myself.. what i have been through someone else has been through so much more….. I try to keep the focus off my life and on others.. It helps me.. but don’t get me wrong.. I still need to talk.. because what I WENT through was very traumatizing and to me… was bad.. so… I was abused by my father and by my brother till i was 16… I also had alot of emotional abuse to go along with that.. the sexual abuse was the worse but what my church and friends put me through i think was harder than anything….
keep your chin up….
Jess
I hope that you know that by sharing your story, you are already helping others. I know that after reading your story, I felt so much more inspired to keep working through my issues after all of this time and each time that someone like you reminds me of that past, it becomes so much more important to me to push on through and to continue my mission to provide a forum for all of us to help one another. It is amazing to me that you and Mandi have so much more in common than you already know and that both of you are such strong women. You give the word “survivor” a whole new meaning. And you are so right about the talking. It is amazing how much it helps all the way around. It is also amazing the action and reaction of others when they find out about the abuse. You are made to feel so guilty, so stupid, so dirty, etc. by others who don’t have the slightest idea about what really happened and what it takes to come out of the other end with not only your life but also with some dignity. Please remember that whenever you want to visit here or to write to me personally, I really hope that you will not hesitate for one moment. I send you tons of prayers and love and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your sharing. We are all here to help each other today and always.
Thanks for responding Jess! I haven’t read Scars but I’ve heard of it. I have been off and on again cutting since I was a little kid. The last time I started, I did it for 4 months before my husband even saw it. I am very good at hiding it and I only do it in one place. We were actually in couple’s therapy with my therapist’s husband (he is a therapist as well and I didn’t think it was fair to do couple’s therapy with my therapist). I was talking and of course I talk with my hands. I had a long sleeve shirt on and it moved and my husband saw my cuts. He said, “What’s that on your wrist?!!” I said, “The cat did it.” The therapist knew about my cutting and he changed the subject really fast. After therapy my husband told me that we were going home to talk about that and he didn’t think it was the cat. So I told him about it and handed him one of my survivor books that explains cutting better than I could. I told him that it’s kind of like my silent scream since I was never allowed to show any emotions. I am struggling with it right now but I’m doing OK. I really think I want a small tattoo on my wrist that says, “Just Breathe”. That’s what my therapist always says to me and I think if I put it on my wrist where I cut, maybe I will stop and think instead of just zoning out. As Barbara said, you and I have a lot in common for sure. I was also abused by my dad and brother (and a few others) and emotionally abused by my mom. The one thing I am careful about is measuring my pain with somebody else’s pain. Maybe there are people that have been through worse ~ but what I went through was bad for ME and I need to honor that and work through it. I don’t dwell on it and pity myself or anything. I had this one girl in my women’s group who kept saying that my stuff was a lot worse than hers, and I told her that you just can’t measure your pain. I told her that her pain was bad because it happened to her. I also told her it made me feel bad to talk about my stuff because I felt like it was too much for everybody else. She ended up leaving the group for other reasons but I always felt so judged by her. I will email you personally because I have some info to share re: survivor sites. Thanks for sharing again and you are not alone. Take care!♥
Thank you Mandi!! Each time that you share with us here, I just learn so much more and I am sure that many others do, too. I am so grateful to you and Jess. I just know that there are so many others who will read what you have written and be helped, even if they never let you or me know and that is just fine. It is almost inconceivable to me the strength of the human spirit and what we are capable of overcoming. I would never have realized that if it weren’t for both of you and so many others with whom I have shared here. Thanks to all of you for helping to inspire me and so many others. You helped me to do so much more than I ever thought that I could.
Hi mandi,
I completely understand what you are saying about not measuring your pain with anyone elses.. I don’t think it matters if someone was abused by one person but 5 people or is dealing with an eating disorder, or emotional abuse.. They are all equal in my mind.. in a way.. because.. To that person who is going through it.. IT is the worse.. so the worse thing i think a friend can say.. Is think of all the other people out there who have had it worse.. I hate that.. but it’s ok for me to say it lol.. I often try to think myself they people have been through worse but i don’t appreciate it when they say it to me if that makes sense.. just because to me.. what I went through was ENOUGH>. The fact that you are open with your feelings is amazing. You are such a compassionate person.. And you are right about the cutting… It is very hard for someone to understand who has not been through what you have. Unfortuanately as kids we learned to deal with our stress/ trauma in an unhealthy way.. but it was the only silent way we knew .. right??? I still think of it don’t get me wrong.. but a blade has not touched my skin nor a cigarette to my skin since for along time.. I believe it has been 15 months. I try not to remember.. I do have moments of struggle.. If I keep it in and don’t talk I am more likely to give in.. One thing you have to know is you are no different from anyone else.. WE just deal a different way.. It is finding other ways to help you out.. That is the hard part.. and it doesn’t happen over night.. This is one way mandi.. Barbara I also wanted to thank you for your kind thoughts.. you are all so wonderful.. for having this site.. I wanted to form a group for cutters.. but i think I need to be alittle stronger myself yet.. also they now require an RN to be present..
Hope you are having a good day today
also mandi.. barbara is so right.. WE are all “survivors” Look at all the people who have lost the battle…. WE are still fighting so never give up..!!
Jess
I can’t begin to thank you enough for your continued sharing here. Each time that you write, I learn something new, not only about who you are and with what you are dealing but also about my own self. Therefore, I know that what you are doing is definitely helping and inspiring others as well. The interesting part for me has also been that as we all write and share our stories, we are also helping ourselves. As you mentioned here, you have found that if you keep stuff in, you are more likely to have a relapse into the self mutilation. I believe that we can all relate to the negative effects of holding everything inside. It is so very sad to me that we go through what we do because we were the victims of other people’s bad behavior when we were not in a position to protect ourselves both physically and mentally. The hard part is to remember our worth and value and the positive differences that we make on each person whose lives we touch. We are important. We do matter. We are helping others by sharing our stories and giving so many the hope that they need and the understanding that they need in order to survive their own abuse. Thank you Jess and Mandi and everyone else who is willing to share in order to help others. It does help when you know that you are making a difference as you are and together that is exactly what we are all doing.