When A Partner Cheats

September 19, 2010 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Recent Posts

I have been chatting with a young lady whose partner has cheated on her and has subsequently left her and moved on to another relationship. This person wants her cheater back. She believes that once the cheater has spent time away from her, the cheater will so miss what they had together that the cheater will return and all will be well. Now, while I support everyone’s following their own dreams, I must say that I am quite sad that she would want this cheater back.

I do not subscribe to the idea that “once a cheater; always a cheater”. However, I do believe that if a person cheats in a particular relationship, the future of that relationship is forever tainted. The reason that I believe this to be the case is that to me the most important foundations of any relationship are trust and respect so if you cheat on your partner, you have destroyed both of those elements.

I do know a few people who have “forgiven” their cheating partners and taken them back but things are never the same. There is always a thought in the back of their minds that their partner is cheating or will cheat again and they live each day of their relationship with those thoughts clouding their lives. Living with this fear overshadowing the most important relationship that one has in their life is not really living.

Please understand that I am not judging a cheater on any moral grounds. Rather, to me, the essence of any relationship, especially the one where you make a lifetime commitment to another, is that you are able to trust that person. That trust includes the expectation that you will both honor your commitment to one another. In addition, if you have made a commitment to one person, that person deserves and should receive your respect and that respect includes never doing something that would diminish a partner in any way.

Many would say that such an indiscretion should be viewed with the idea that the cheater “made a mistake”. Such behavior is excused away with such things as the cheater had too much to drink or was mad at their partner or they did it to get even, etc. However, if one is perfectly honest with himself/herself, there are really no excuses for anyone ever doing anything that would hurt and disrespect the person to whom they are exclusively committed.

I wish my friend all the best in her continued desire to have her cheater return. But, at the same time I feel so sorry for her that she wants this person back. I know that I have been in a relationship in the past where my partner cheated on me and despite the fact that I did everything to make it work, it didn’t. However, the one thing that I did learn was that if I had had more respect for myself, I would have discovered sooner that if I am with someone who doesn’t respect me, I have nothing in that relationship and I need to move on. Perhaps my friend will soon discover the same thing for herself and move on, too.

Can you forgive a cheater? COMMENTS

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http://www.talktherapybiz.com Linda

Interesting ‘hot’ topic. I guess there’s no empirically tested method to know for sure…?

What I find noteworthy is the tendency to “cheat” on life’s rules. Most I encounter in my line of work have other problem areas due to lack of rule compliance–work, finances, inter-personal relationships, family relationships, etc.
- http://LetLifeHappen.com Barbara Jacoby
  
  Interesting. I have to give that some thought in conjunction with the “cheaters” that I know but I can definitely see how that might very well be the case. Thank you so much for your very thought provoking comment.