Other People’s Expectation
June 5, 2010 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Recent Posts
For as long as I can remember, I have always lived my life by trying to fulfill the expectations of others. I was told what I should do, when I should do it, how things should be done and how I should execute something. In reflecting on this, I discovered that regardless of my best efforts, whatever I did was never good enough and only resulted in greater expectations and of course, greater consequences when I did not meet those expectations. Well, I am tired of being told what to do. And I am tired of being shamed, cajoled, teased, pushed, rammed, etc. into doing things that I don’t want to do or am not comfortable doing. Therefore, I am officially declaring my independence and learning that it is okay to say “no” if that is what I need to do for myself. And I am inviting everyone else to join me in this movement, if you, too, have been allowing others to push you around and deciding for you how you should think and feel and be.
Don’t get me wrong. I acknowledge my part in allowing others to control me. I know that I constantly strive for perfection even though I am aware that there is no such thing and if I fall short of expectations, I see only the part where I feel I failed. There are some people who have had the ability to make me feel so badly about myself when I am not in agreement with what they want for me to do but here again, I have allowed it. I find that I get so very upset whenever someone succeeds in turning things on me by finding a justification for their own behavior that is so contrary to the reality of the situation. But most importantly, I have reached the point of no return on this matter and have decided that on a going forward basis, I will not allow myself to accept such behavior from others.
I know it won’t be easy. After so many years of accepting being pushed around in so many ways, it is habit to respond in the same old way. But, it will be so worthwhile in the long run when I find that I am doing what I want to do and I am doing it in a way that works for me. The benefit is that if I do what I want, on the terms that work for me, I will become so vested in the project, or whatever it may be, that I give it all of my effort and dedication and regardless of the work involved, it will actually be fun for me. The fun factor always changes everything. I don’t think that there is a thing in the world that I can’t accomplish if I am having fun while doing it. And if you think about it, I am sure that the same thing applies to you, too, so come on and join me. Life from here on in will be so much better by allowing for the fun in everything that we do and our accomplishments will be so much more meaningful to us. Now that sure sounds like a much better quality of life to me.
I always love your COMMENTS.
That exactly how I was for the last 23 years of my life. I can believed that I spent my life on fulfilling others expectations and forgot myself. It is all vain and people don’t appreciate what you have done to them and all the sacrifices you made in order to please them. The truths are love and respect yourself and others will benefit with it.
You hit the nail on the head. You have to be able to love and respect yourself before you can share those gifts with others. Thank you so much for your comments. With your realizations, you are not only getting out of the 23-year cycle that you lived but are also helping others. That is awesome.
Hey! This is great news! Thanks for sharing your epiphany! It is my belief that when one person grows, or becomes empowered to honor their higher self, that everyone is uplifted in a very real way.
I came across your site because it has been brought to my attention that maybe my expectations for people are too high, and that this is leading me into mutually unsatisfying relationships. A lot of people say that the key to mature relationships is to have no expectations of anyone at all. I have a hard time with that one… I’m still trying to wrap myself around a healthy balance of seeing the best in people…giving the benefit of doubt unless evidence to the contrary is provided, and…well, I expect not to be grossly mistreated by those closest to me. I continue to be shocked when people don’t do “the right thing”. So, I am trying to re-work my general expectations of people in a way that will allow me to hang on to my optimism of human nature. I’m not sure if that’s even possible, but I’m trying to work it out.
It sounds like you have been on the side of manipulative, abusive, and overall crappy examples of “expectations”, and I’m glad you broke free of that. Congratulations! I’ve been there too, and breaking free of relationships with others that provide conditional acceptance is a tough nut to crack. Good for you!
Life isn’t easy, is it? Lots of love and all my best wishes to you in your journey.
Julia
Thank you so much for your great message. Congratulations to you!!! I can tell by what you have written that you are on the same paths that I have chosen. Perhaps it is a little easier for me as I have found that once I was able to leave an abusive relationship where I had a loaded gun in my face on a regular basis, I truly believe that there will never, ever be another “bad day” in my life. But that doesn’t mean that life will always be easy and that people will suddenly change who they are. I have found that if I always conduct myself in the manner that I expect others to behave, that is the very best that I can do and be. I am not in a position to judge them as I don’t know what their lessons are or what they truly want for themselves. Therefore, I have no expectations of others. This has lead me to a very important discovery. “Likes” attract. Since I decided to honor myself and others in this manner, my circle of friends has changed greatly. I welcome the new people and those who have been there for a lifetime who treat one another with the greatest respect and who help and support each other. For those who are not like-minded, I have watched as most have just fallen away, one by one. They all know that I am there to support them 100% in whatever they choose for themselves, even if I don’t agree with their choices. But, sooner or later, they become uncomfortable in those choices and will want to find new friends who are like them. I will gladly let them go as they are doing what works for them as I realize that most often, we no longer have enough in common to maintain a relationship. And once I learned not to be sad about the loss but rather be happy for the other person who has every right to do and be whomever they choose, it became easy. I see that you are now at that point and I sure hope that you will hang on to your optimism because of all of the wonderful people who are already a part of your life and for those yet to come. Be thankful for them and know that those people who choose in ways that no longer would work for us, perhaps they will learn from those choices so that they can finally know what true happiness is really like. We can never learn other people’s lessons, only our own, so why invest so much as an instant of your time in anyone other than yourself or those to whom you wish to provide assistance and support. Keep heading in that direction and I am sending along to you lots of love and best wishes for the greatest success in this journey. It may not always be easy but believe me when I say that it is more than worth it.
I can totally relate to your post. I have lived under the control of others for my entire life. And to top it off, I’m a constant people pleaser. So when you’re used to being controlled and you like to please others, it’s a bad mix. Most of the time the control in my life was abusive. I almost feel more natural being controlled. That’s why my husband is the one in our family with the most control. It was what I was used to so it didn’t bother me to marry a man that had more control. But if it really matters to me, I will speak up now. After all the healing I’ve done, I have really learned to stand up for myself when it’s important. And my husband is pretty good about learning to accept the changes I’m making. Which is a good thing. I guess he accepts it or it’s time to move on. He realized that it was what I had to do to heal. I have also learned to say NO when people ask me to do things that I really don’t want to. I still feel guilty. But I feel better about myself for standing up and saying what I want. It’s just a process of letting go. Of learning to find out what I actually like. Because sometimes I don’t even know what I want. It feels good to learn though. Thanks for sharing. And more power to you!! I stand with you in this movement and I support you!! ♥
Thanks so much, Mandi. It always helps to know that you are not alone. Some people just see it as a weakness when you don’t stand up for ourselves but it is just so much easier. And often when you do stand up for yourself, there is an enormous price to pay, both physically and mentally. I am so glad that you are doing so much better yourself and so am I. And I most definitely will stand by and support you, too, in this movement.