The Residual Effects of Domestic Abuse
May 2, 2010 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Domestic Abuse, Recent Posts
I have always believed that long after the physical scars of domestic abuse have healed, the mental scars were still ever present and would remain until such time as we could reach the point where we understood what those scars actually are and how they continue to influence our lives. For many, the discovery comes through therapy and a willingness to face those realities in order to move on from the trauma that is left in the wake of the abuse. But, for others like me, I buried all of it and with that came a lack of understanding of how that would continue to influence my entire life for many years to come in ways that I did not recognize. Until now!!!
As a result of recent events in my life, I have now come to an understanding that my interactions with others have been completely influenced by the abuse. But, I wish to also note that this is not a bad thing. If anyone approaches me in any sort of aggressive or angry or loud manner, I shut down and do not respond in any physical or verbal manner. I have learned that anyone who is approaching me with this demeanor is not in a position to have a rational discussion or to hear anything that I might have to say. And should I say or do anything that could even be remotely interpreted to be aggressive, the attacker’s behavior will only increase in intensity and any interaction will be viewed as equally confrontational.
I must admit that it has taken me a long time to understand this point. Although the abuse did ultimately teach me to always back away, the initial response came out of fear. I was afraid when any kind of aggression came my way, even in the form of a raised voice that I needed to be quiet and remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible for fear of reprisal. After all, when the attack came in the form of a loaded gun in your face to back up that verbal assault, you learn that being quiet is the best way to keep the situation from escalating.
Although I often find myself in the same fear-based reaction to aggression after all of these years after the physical abuse has been removed, I have finally come to the understanding that there is never anything positive to come out of any interaction that is driven by a negative emotion. It doesn’t matter whether it is in your own home with you partner or your children or other relatives or friends. It doesn’t matter whether it occurs on the job or whether it is on a one on one basis or in front of a huge audience. You do not need to prove anything about yourself in that moment and if you can take a step back and try to understand what is really being said or how the aggressor is really feeling, you will be able to turn the negative incident into a future positive interaction that may be beneficial to all. After all, by stepping back and not interacting in the moment, you not only have the opportunity to keep it from escalating but also it will quickly diffuse itself without your adding fuel to the fire. And that is the best outcome to any aggressive situation, if you ask me.
If you or anyone you know is in a Domestic Abuse situation, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Please share your thoughts. COMMENTS
Abusers rarely think about how their actions will affect the victim for the rest of her life. Even after successful treatment and the tools to cope with their past, victims will continue to combat self-esteem issues, emtotional triggers, and feeling comfortable in many social situations for the rest of her life. Vista Maria is a leading expert for providing resources to girls and women overcoming the effects of sexual abuse or neglect. To access resources and hope for overcoming these obstacles, visit Vista Maria at http://www.vistamaria.org.
You are so right. Following your May 5th event and hope that you receive lots of help from everyone, especially the Michigan family. Love the work that you are doing.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and I am very pleased to meet you, too. You raise a very interesting question and I do believe that two sane people cannot have a productive discussion if one or both are angry. In order to have a productive discussion, the anger has to be removed first before moving on. When someone is angry, the focus is on the point that is causing the anger such as defending oneself or trying to prove that one person is right or wrong, etc. and not on the issue. The anger has to be diffused before both parties can focus on the issue if you are looking for a successful resolution.
Thank you so very much for providing your comments here. I am so glad that you completely understood what I was trying to express and hopefully with your very succinct analysis, others will benefit from it.
I agree with Barbara, as long as you are calmly discussing things , there is nothing two reasonably sane adults can’t work out , even if you only agree to disagree. At the point when voices are raised , the discussion is over and the argument has begun. Discussions are productive, arguments are not. Once it escalates to an argument , each person cares more about proving their own point and winning than about coming to an amicable agreement that is suitable to both parties. Our voices raising , and getting angry are defensive measures. That means someone has been hurt or offended and we go from caring about the problem and the couple to caring more about self . I have been in many abusive relationships and my response now to a raised voice is always the same, “If you want to talk , I am more than happy to discuss anything with you, but if you want to argue, you will be talking to the back of my head as I walk away.”
Very well expressed and I love your approach to stopping any argument. That is a very nice and tactful way to stop any altercation. Thanks for sharing. Think I will be doing that myself in the future.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and I am very pleased to meet you, too. You raise a very interesting question and I do believe that two sane people cannot have a productive discussion if one or both are angry. In order to have a productive discussion, the anger has to be removed first before moving on. When someone is angry, the focus is on the point that is causing the anger such as defending oneself or trying to prove that one person is right or wrong, etc. and not on the issue. The anger has to be diffused before both parties can focus on the issue if you are looking for a successful resolution.
I believe that you are absolutely spot on and I do thank you so very much for sharing that here. We are all working to help one another to be the best that we can be and I think that if more people are willing to share the lessons that they have learned in life as you have done here, we will all have such a better understanding of life. Since discussions and communications are the key to all relationships, this is where we have to start.
Thanks for sharing Barbara! I’m interested in knowing what it was that made you realize how the abuse effected your life? Was it a “light bulb moment”? Or just things that took place along the way that made you understand? Of course you don’t have to share if it’s too personal. I was just wondering.
I pushed all of my abuse away for years as well. I have been dealing with it in therapy for the past 7 years. But before that, I just pretended like none of it mattered. I wouldn’t let myself think of it. I had to focus on my kids and taking care of their needs. I didn’t have time to work on those things that kept creeping in. I finally reached a point where I really needed to work through things and so I did. I feel like almost everything I do has been a result of my abuse. It shaped me as a person and I analyze everything. I take the “freeze” approach to angry/loud people as well. It’s like what Cyndi said above ~ if I freeze, it makes me invisible.
I also agree that nothing good comes out of anger. But I believe that anger is a good emotion that I stuffed my entire life. I actually wasn’t allowed to express any emotions growing up. I still have a hard time getting angry. And when I do get angry, I feel kind of liberated in a way. I finally get to express my emotions!! I also agree that after being angry, you need to calm down and talk in a rational way before working things through. But sometimes, people do things that require anger. Learning how to react the right way is very important. Stuffing the anger almost made me implode. Talking through my anger has been the best way for me to express myself.
Thanks for sharing with us! I’m glad you are still learning along the way. It’s a process.
Blessings,
Mandi
Hi Mandi! Thanks so much for your great question and I must say that I understand all of your actions, reactions and struggles. For you, you took action to work on dealing with your past before it overtook you. I wasn’t that smart. It took my getting cancer and starting to write the weekly blog in order to figure it all out. For me, I buried everything as you did but for me, all that did was cause it to start eating away at me, literally, in the form of cancer, before I realized it. Although this may sound crazy, I am grateful for the cancer which came along before I ended up giving my life away to the residual effects of the abuse. Like you, I freeze when I am confronted with anger and loud noises. Most of the time, if I get angry, it is because something that has happened which I perceive as a put-down or a personal attack or something that diminishes me as a person. But, my anger comes out in tears. I have learned over the years that whenever I got angry, if I spoke out, there were always punishing repercussions so I stopped speaking out. To this day, that is the “safest” thing to do in order to protect myself. I don’t see that ever changing. I think that although the gun in my face on a regular basis is no longer a threat, my reaction to anger or yelling, etc. has become so ingrained in me that I will never be able to respond differently. And knowing that the silence has always been safe, I have no motivation to change that response. After all, I learned to play nice in order to keep from being killed and it worked. Why would I ever want to change?
This is my first visit to your blog. Congrats on being a double survivor! I grew up in an abusive family and recently lost a very close friend to breast cancer. I admire you and am pleased to “meet” you!
I do have to question one statement, “…there is never anything positive to come out of any interaction that is driven by a negative emotion.” There is a huge difference between a negative emotion and aggressive behavior, no? While abusers do become aggressive when experiencing a negative emotion, others do not. We ourselves have negative emotions and can learn a lot from them. I do agree that nothing positive can come out of any interaction in which either party is abusive. However, two sane people can have a productive discussion even if one or both are angry about something.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and I am very pleased to meet you, too. You raise a very interesting question and I do believe that two sane people cannot have a productive discussion if one or both are angry. In order to have a productive discussion, the anger has to be removed first before moving on. When someone is angry, the focus is on the point that is causing the anger such as defending oneself or trying to prove that one person is right or wrong, etc. and not on the issue. The anger has to be diffused before both parties can focus on the issue if you are looking for a successful resolution.
As a survivor myself, I’ve long said that there’s a third option to the fight-or-flight reflex: freeze. Some situations are so volatile that any motion, even a careful retreat could result in even more damage. That was pretty much the entire first 20 years of my life, so developing the freeze-reflex allowed me to become temporarily invisible. I was able to take those moments and assess the risks and benefits of flight versus just staying put.
I still do just that, but now the choice to freeze is (mostly) deliberate. It’s a moment to stop and think about my actions and their potential repercussions.
I also keep in mind the lesson learned from being verbally abused: Words once said can never be unsaid. Grabbing that moment of utter stillness that comes when I feel threatened, I can remind myself how much damage a single hurled word can cause. That silence can be the difference between a tense moment and a complete conflagration.
I can and do fight back when need be…but not before taking a silent moment to assess the likely result.
Thank you so much for your input. It sure sounds like you learned a lot more a whole lot quicker than I did and I really appreciate your sharing your perspective on this subject. I truly like the addition of comments about the effect of verbal abuse and its impact as well.