I Am Done With Whiners
January 10, 2010 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Recent Posts
As I headed back to work this week after the holiday season to start the New Year full of enthusiasm and visions and new goals, I was immediately met by a number of people who were doing nothing more than whining and groaning about all different facets of their lives and how miserable they were. Being the person that I am, I immediately offered assistance, an ear for listening, some comforting words, etc. but it seemed that nothing was going to work. I took the time to really listen to each one of them and have now come to the conclusion that I was doing nothing but wasting my good energy and vowed that I would never do that again.
“Nothing ever changes” is now a remark to send me immediately running in the opposite direction. Of course, everything keeps changing in some way all of the time but if you believe otherwise then you will never take any action to change something that is not working in your life. “I can’t” is another mindset that will no longer set me to finding a way to show someone that they can. “You don’t understand”, which while I may never have had the exact experience, more than likely I had a similar experience, is the way of saying that since you don’t understand, you can’t do anything to help and I, the sufferer, am not going to do anything either.
What a way to live! There is not a single person in this world who has had a perfect life and never had to deal with adversity. Just like everything else, how you look at life and what you do with your life is a matter of choice. But, so many people will not take responsibility for their choices and look to others for only pity and sympathy. For anyone who comes my way who is looking to me for help or to listen to them when all they want is my attention might just as well not waste their time anymore. In the past, I would have listened and tried to help but if the other person wasn’t willing to do anything to change, when and if I removed myself from their presence, I always felt guilty and questioned myself about whether there wasn’t something else I could have done to make a difference.
Now I have finally learned. If you don’t like your job, let’s see what we can do to find you a new one. But if all you want to do is talk about how rough it is for you every day and you are not willing to take any action, I’m gone.
Can’t find the right guy? Let’s take a look at how you are presenting yourself, where you are looking for someone, what type of a man you are looking for, etc. But if all you want to do is talk about how men are all alike, how they are all pigs, how there are no good men left anymore, then I think that you should just wallow in your own misery while I spend my time with someone who may need my help and assistance.
I have lots of things that I want to accomplish in my life, many of which I am not even aware at this time. I want to find those opportunities, to work toward the goals that I set and be happy with the choices that I make. And I want to be with other people who think and more importantly, do things to accomplish whatever they wish to pursue. So, if all you want to do is whine and complain and moan and groan and gossip, I will not be your friend in the future because frankly, I will not have the time because I will be busy doing things with others who make a positive impact on my life, their lives and the lives of others.
How do you handle whiners? COMMENTS
Thank you so much for reminding me. This is exactly what I needed to “hear”. What an eye opener! It’s definitely time to change some of my priorities.
I know the feeling and I have so enhanced my life by adding more positive people and eliminating those with so much bad energy that it sucks the life out of you. I am glad that you are ready to make changes which will definitely enhance the quality of your relationships. That’s big.
Hi,
Read your article….and am wondering….where does one draw the line between whining and sharing hurt with friends.
Recently, I was in a strange situation and had to tell a parent of my daughter´s friend that we didn´t want anything to do with them when the father admitted to occasionally doing drugs. We have also suspected that the mother does drugs. The mother lashed out, swearing….and my daughter heard this. All the more reason to stay away from such people….
But when I wanted to talk about this with another girlfriend….both her and her husband lashed out at me and said that I should learn how to let things go…that the entire thing was MY fault….and blah, blah, blah.
What hurt the most was that my husband agreed with them!
I was only trying to tell my girlfriend of my feelings…and how bad it felt to be treated that way….but was told indirectly that I was a whiner!
Am I a whiner?
I have a job (full time), am taking my Masters (full time), raising a child, has a husband who travels a lot, go to therapy… I feel like I work and try hard in a positive way. But maybe I shouldn´t have brought up my feelings with these friends??
I´m confused!
Of course, you are NOT a whiner. Sharing your feelings like that with a friend is exactly that. A whiner is someone who always goes around complaining and complaining and is never willing to do anything about the situation about which she is complaining. Usually she lives her life as a victim/martyr. Personally, I would have done exactly the same thing as you did. Everyone needs to protect the children and the mother’s behavior is just one more reason for keeping your child away from her. You should be very proud of yourself for standing your ground. What anyone else thinks really doesn’t matter in the end. Your child is better off for the action that you took and that is all that counts.
Hi,
I read your article…and I have a question…where does one draw the line
I gave up on whiners a long time ago. A little bit is okay, but only if your next action is to fix the problem and not just do more whining.
You apparently got smart a lot faster than I did. Thanks so much for your comment.
great insight! They way i handle whiners: when they complain I say “So what do plan on doing to fix whatever it is you are complaining about. usually as you alluded to, they enjoy the whining more than solving the problem. And when they complain about their job, I say Thank God you have a job when so many people are out of work! And lastly, I have adopted a saying over the years that basically says you are where you are because of you. “you make your bed, you sleep in it.
Hey, Mark, thank you so much for your comments. I like the response, “so what do you plan on doing to fix it”. I’ll bet that evoked some angry comments back when you used that one. Made me smile just thinking about it. And for the record, I think I’ll adopt your saying that “you are where you are because of you”. Hopefully, that might make a few people think about what they are doing.
Good for you! Sometimes it doesn’t do any good to listen and offer support to others. Some people seem to thrive on the negative. Misery loves company ~ so there are times when some women I know just sit around and talk about the bad times, and try to one up each other in their pain. It’s bad enough to have something bad happen or to feel like you just can’t get a break. But it really doesn’t help to go on and on about how miserable you are. My husband has a friend that whines and complains all the time. Same subject every single time. My husband offers support and gives suggestions. But the guy NEVER takes the advice. Leaving him in the same situation again. So the conversation just keeps getting recycled. My husband will tell the guy that he’s already told him how he could handle things ~ and he doesn’t listen. So basically ~ he’s done. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Just talking about it and not doing anything at all is just completely insane. Maybe you could just have some cards of a well known therapist. And when somebody starts to complain, you could hand them a card and tell them that maybe therapy will help. Because there is nothing you can do for the typical whiner. I agree with the others about people who are depressed and need a person to share with. I have a therapist myself so that I don’t lean on my friends too much. I feel bad if I burden them with my problems. We all have our own hurdles to jump. We just need to get a running start and keep trying. Taking care of yourself and relieving yourself from these negatives whiners sounds like a great way to eliminate the extra negativity in your life. I’m proud of you!! Thanks for sharing!!
You would never be considered a whiner just because you share what is going on in your life. Everyone has things in their lives with which to deal and there is a huge difference between talking about things, weighing options, assessing possibilities, etc. and bitching, moaning, groaning and complaining all the time about things and then not doing anything to change them. Your example of your husband’s friend is a perfect one. And I sure don’t think that anyone who loves to wallow in self-pity would ever see a therapist because it is always the other person or people in their lives who need the help, not them. I really appreciate your great contribution here and thanks so much for taking the time to write.
Life is not always fabulous. THAT kind of thinking is delusional.
Sometimes it’s cathartic just to vent, helps you to put it in perspective and realize that perhaps not all is as bad as you think.
I know the difference between a whiner and some one who is depressed. I am bi-polar and know the ups and downs of life, but I also know a whiner when I see one. Over the years I tried to help these people but they always have another excuse on why that simple solution won’t help. These people enjoy complaining and whining and will always have something to complain about.
I was working a good job and was in a an office with 9 other employees. About 7 out of those 9 employees loved to complain about there job their home life, the how long it took at the grocery store, etc.. I couldn’t put up with it anymore. Any time one of these individuals came up to me and complained I would interrupt them with a simple solution. If the store doesn’t have what you want go to another store. Don’t like your job? Go find another one. Not happy with your home life move out. The answer was always,”it’s not that simple.” I would reply. It is that simple you just don’t allow it to be, you are more concerned about bitching then fixing. All talk no action.
Okay, I am done whining about the whiners.
You were not whining. You perfectly described exactly what I believe. And in response to your comments, one word describes them perfectly – AMEN. Thank you so much for sharing here. I really do appreciate it.
Love the article……shared article on facebook
Thank you so very much for your comment and for sharing. I truly appreciate it.
Well there’s whiners who do it for the sake of attention grabbing. Then there’s people who are not really complaining they are trying to tell you something but they feel you (or anyone) would be ashamed to talk to them about their depressed feelings they feel for no good reason.
I have anxiety and severe depression, oh and I have ADHD. I had a bucket of crap happen to me. Pulmonary Embolism, Rotator Cuff Surgery, Miscarried my first baby….I could go on and on and on. I won’t though. The reason is mostly hesitance, because I know how impatient and cruel people can become when they don’t see a depressed person. They just see a whiner.
Some will get so submerged in the emotional hurt, that it turns physically grueling. You can’t even breathe sometimes because you feel so alone. I had a friend who I went to Middle School and High School with. On 12/31/2009 she took her own life. I can see why she did it, I can feel the pain she was feeling. Perhaps it’s only because I am right where she was before her death. I have a therapist who seems to be a very good therapist. I will get the help I need. Because last May I tried to take my own life. I was very pissed when I woke up and I was still alive. I haven’t tried again since then. I have 2 cats that are my babies. I have 5 nephews and 1 niece, and another niece due to make her world debut in April. None of them would ever understand, they would all be so hurt.
I have a friend who has the same things going on as you do and believe me when I say that I am not talking about people like her or you. She has attempted to take her life on many occasions and I think that doctors have changed her medications so often that I don’t even know how they keep track. There is no way in the world that anyone would consider her to be a whiner, and as a matter of fact, I seriously doubt that anyone considers you to be a whiner either. I am definitely talking about people who are always whining about their circumstances because they are not willing to do anything about them. That is why I provided specific examples that sure don’t include you or my friend who have been fighting and struggling with so many problems. You actually should be commended for all of your hard work and efforts to just survive. I know that I sure respect you and who you are and would never even think of you in any way as a whiner. You are truly an inspiration.