Comments on: The Shame of Domestic Abuse

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:49:54 +0000

Have you asked her if she would like your help in getting out of the relationship? If you have and she refused, there is absolutely nothing that you can do until she is ready to leave. If you haven’t, ask her, and if she says yes, then the rest of you can unite and help her out. There is strength in numbers and help available. I hope with all of my heart that she will make the choice to leave. With her telling you what is occurring, that just may be her way of asking for that help. Lots of prayers to all of you!

By: CONCERNED SISTER

CONCERNED SISTER — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:41:31 +0000

I am writing not because ive been through it myself but because my sister is going through this now. I along with the rest of my family are worried about her and her children. Ive never seen any of the abuse myself but she tells us what goes on. He has hit her while she was pregnant. He also forced himself on her one day. He has torn her clothing off her. I dont understand what makes her stay with him. Her life and the life of my niece and her unborn child are to precious to lose.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:19:07 +0000

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with all of us. It is so wonderful that you and your children were able to get out of that situation and to go on and make a new life for all of you. There are others who will read your story and it will give them hope and courage to make a better life for themselves. I am sure glad to hear that you have found someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:08:04 +0000

All I have to do is read your story and I start remembering things that were long ago forgotten. I don’t think any of us ever get to the point where we don’t have things that bring to mind those times from the past, especially ones that are as traumatic as you describe. I will never forget either what it is like to stare down the barrel of a gun. And for all of the physical abuse that happened, I don’t remember that nearly as strongly or often as I remember all of the verbal abuse and all of the things that I was told about myself that I believed. And although on one level I understand what was said and why, I can’t wipe them away for good and I do find myself questioning myself quite often. Thank you so much for sharing here. Your story is my story in many respects and the story of so many others and the more that we share, the more we understand that we are not alone and that we have each other to help us along on our individual paths.

By: Jenny Miller

Jenny Miller — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:03:11 +0000

Hi. I am 37 years old. I am a single mom of six great kids. I got divorced in 2005 from my children’s father. Not too long after I met a guy. He was gorgeous, built like a greek god. He was great with my me and my kids. It was wonderful. I was never the type to really go out. One night my girlfriend from work had a really bad day, so me and another one of my coworkers decided to take her out to a bar in town and hear a live band. He was fine. I strolled in at closing and he was asleep on the couch. I went up to bed. The next thing I know, I got pulled out of bed by my hair and was being screamed out. The pain in my head mixed with the many drinks that I had consumed made it very difficult to comprehend what was happening. My children were at my Dad’s for the weekend. I ran into my daughters room and he chased me. He through me on the bed, dislocating my elbow on the mirror of her bureau. He held me down for about 45 minutes screaming at me. What did you do? Tell me what you did etc. Eventually he wore himself out and went to bed. The next day, there were mant promises of therapy and the like and of course I took him back. This was not the first time this had happened. He was extremely jealous. He had already flipped a kitchen table over that happened to be covered in left overs. He then picked me up and slammed my head into the wall repeadetly until his cousin (my saviour many times) pulled him off me. One time I slapped in the shoulder with a rolled up newspaper, just in fun, and he knocked me off every wall in the livingroom and spit in my face. The end was when my grandmother was taken to the hospital, we had been arguing all morning. On the way home from the ER to get her some things, I had forgotten to turn the blinker off in the car. He jumped out screaming like a wild man and picked up a 3 or 4 foot tree log about a foot and a half in diameter and tried to through it my car window. Luckily, we was about 2 inches under my open window. We were about two blocks from home at this point. He started running toward the house. I tried to drive as fast as I could to get there before he did. I pulled in the yard and yelled to my daughter to run in and lock the door. He screamed don’t listen to her, she’s trying to kill me. Her being a sweet 13 year old froze. We got into the house and I kept telling him to leave. He just kept telling the girls over and over again. I begged him and begged him to be quiet. He even convinced my daughter to call the cops on me for trying to kill him. He had already bounced me off the upstairs hallway wall so hard that the wall crubled down to the slats. I snapped. I ran and got my aluminum bat and chased him with him.I swung and got him on the shoulder. I was aimming for his head. Well, the girls saw this and were convinced that I was trying to kill him, so they started grabbin at me, trying to hold me back. My daughters boyfriend grabbed the bat. The cops showed up at this point. They seperated us and in the end, they told him he had one hour to get his stuff out. No charges were filed. The next day I filed for my PFA with Women in Crisis. I got immediate protection for me and the kids and he was evicted. When we went to court I sued him for the damages to the house and car. It was a whopping $400. We didn’t even had to go in front of the judge. He signed and agreed to everything completely conviced that I would take him back. Not this time. It’s five months later. I am in college going for my Psychology degree. I have a new boyfriend. He is my hero. He is very gentle. He is a fireman and a little league softball coach. He has pulled me out of debt and repaired the damages to my house. Most of all he has repaired my heart and retaught me that love doesn’t hurt. No screaming, no throwing this, no accusations. I have my girlfriends, and we do all sorts of silly girl stuff. He just smiles and looks at me with his big blue eyes and he thinks I’m beautiful. My kids are happy and relaxed and peaceful. Life is good!!!!!

By: Bo

Bo — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:34:19 +0000

I hate the question: “Why didn’t you leave?” They have no idea. There is brainwashing that comes with the abuse. I married a charming Navy guy. He held the door open for me, bought me flowers, took me out in public. He even saved my life – literally (I used to be anorexic and died and he performed CPR and brought me back). The first 6 months were bliss. The last 12 and half years were not. In the beginning, he was out on a cruise with the Navy. As soon as he got home, it all changed. It started with just yelling and screaming in my face and spitting. Then it escalated to hitting and bruises. Along with that, it led to things so humiliating that you could not possibly imagine a husband can do to a wife that I am still shameful to this day and only 2 people in the whole world know about it (and my therapist still does not know). Then I got pregnant. That was 9 months of nothing but treating me like he used to before we were married. When the baby was born, it was back to the abuse. It even got to the point of holding me and our baby at gunpoint. There’s nothing scarier then staring down the barrel of a loaded weapon. It still makes me quake to this day. I cannot stand guns. Neither can my daughter. I think her subconcious knows what happened but because she was so young she doesn’t remember and I am so very grateful for that. I don’t say “Thank God” because I have no faith right now. It’s lost for other reasons which is a whole other story I suppose. There were two restraining orders and I yet I went back both times. Convinced he would do counseling. Convinced that we could work it out. I tried to leave many, many times but went back after however long it took to walk a mile down the road and back. It took a year and a half of deprogramming to convince me that it wasn’t me. That it was him. He had me convinced I was no good. That I wasn’t able to take care of myself. That nobody would ever love me. That I wasn’t pretty (and I’m still really debating that one because I am inclined to believe him). I rose above it for a time but every time something traumatic happens, I revert back. I go up the hill and slide back down. Which is where I’m at right now. I don’t feel shame for the abuse he put me through. I do feel shame however for some of the things that he forced upon me. I find it difficult to speak about that part of my life. The only reason I got out was because he had an affair and threw us out on our own with no money, no job, no nothing. I built me and my daugther back up from scratch. It wasn’t easy. But I did it. For her. And what people don’t realize is that because we’ve been put through that kind of trauma that little things can make us sensitive. I overreact sometimes and get so sad that I can’t get out of my funk. And now my daughter is a teenager and putting me through all sorts of stuff and I’m seeing behaviors that were her father’s and that scares me to death that I’ve raised a female version of him even though he was not around to influence her. I question if it’s in the blood. But I’m a survivor. Even if I went a bit backwards for the time being and can’t seem to get out of the current eddy I’m in. I will never be a victim again. Never again will I allow that to happen. I’ve learned the warning signs and I in fact ended a relationship many many years ago because of the signs I learned. Even thought it’s been nearly 13 years since the separation and divorce, I still sometimes have doubts about myself but it’s only because of other incidents that pop up that remind me. I don’t know if I’m the only one who reverts back when something awful slams down in front of me or if I’m alone in that, but eventually I do come back around and stand up once again. Thanks for letting me share my story. To the survivors out there, you rock. You made it. You are out of it. For those still stuck in it, there are places you can go and people who can help you. You are not alone. You never have been.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:35:56 +0000

I have never heard anyone speak from your perspective and you have really provided some real food for thought here. I don’t remember if I had any warnings from my dreams because all of this happened a long time ago. But the one thing that I have discovered as did you that this was truly a learning experience. My only regret is that it took me so long to actually learn. However, in retrospect, I do know that there were two reasons why I stayed as long as I did. One was that I truly believed that I could find a way to fix things and two, I could not get past feeling guilty about walking out on someone who had no job and no money. Thank you so much for your very enlightening commentary.

By: IMAGINE

IMAGINE — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:24:53 +0000

I learned, you don’t know something until you KNOW it. That helped me not feel ashamed for being in an abusive marriage.
I didn’t know it was considered d.v. if there was no physical abuse. There was almost constant verbal, mental, emotional & financial abuse. (Including Gaslighting.) I learned otherwise from the lady who lived across the street. She started the women’s & children’s shelter in our county. It only took one look at the abuse wheel to see it clearly.
The difference was, I never believed him. I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Why had he worked so hard to get someone he didn’t want? That seemed so odd. Because he did everything that could ONLY lead to a divorce.
He wasn’t overtly controlling. But did things behind the scenes to accomplish the same end.
I don’t believe anyone in that situation, or anyone having been in that situation has failed. I think it was a learning experience.
And one thing I learned is pay attention to your dreams! If you hear someone say something, or read something in a dream, PAY ATTENTION TO IT!!! If you’re being held captive, or in any way being harmed in the dream, know you’re getting valuable info. A warning! I had kept a dream journal. And saw that I had been warned not long after I met him.
I hope this helps someone.
LOVE DOESN’T HURT!!!

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:51:21 +0000

You are absolutely correct. I feel very fortunate to have gotten out with my life. And I am most grateful for every day that I am given and I know that from the day that I left, I would never have a “bad” day in my life.

By: Lika Saliscente

Lika Saliscente — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:17:49 +0000

Powerful story. Yet it rings so true of so many situations. We think it would never happen to us, and we think we should be forever too smart… but the fact is, abusers are also controlling and darn good manipulators, and often by the time we realize how dangerous it is, they have our lives to threaten, to keep victims quiet…

I am so very glad that you’re out of the situation, and that you’re safe and strong. Keep up the good work.