Swimsuit Model-Millionaire Husband-Domestic Violence
August 23, 2009 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Domestic Abuse
Two lives, two families and scores of friends, co-workers and acquaintances will never be the same following the deaths of Jasmine Fiore and Ryan Alexander Jenkins this past week. How sad that a 28-year old young woman and a 32-year old young man are gone forever because of domestic violence and will stand as a vivid reminder forever of what has been lost.
For every domestic abuse survivor, this will bring back memories of times and places that we always hope are long gone and long forgotten. For every woman who has walk in shoes similar to my own, the one thing that we learned that has allowed us to survive is that the worst thing that you can do is to provoke an abuser. And from the early stories that I have seen following the suicide of Ryan, an eye witness to their last public appearance before her death, Jasmine was provoking her husband and really making him angry.
Now, that absolutely does not excuse him or any man or woman from striking out against another person. But, if you have any knowledge of what will trigger violence in an abuser, the last thing you want to do is to provoke him or her and then put yourself in a situation where you are alone with that abuser. The fact is though, that based upon the very short time that these two people had spent with each other before getting married and the limited time that they have subsequently been together, there is no way that Jasmine could even begin to know the person with whom she had chosen to spend the rest of her life.
Both of these people had very promising lives and careers ahead of them. Both seem to have all of the money and things that they wanted. To have lost these lives at such a young age is sad beyond any words that can be expressed. And yet the headlines that they are making today will soon be forgotten in a few days and few will learn anything from what has happened in this relationship. That is the saddest loss.
I have interacted with a number of women at this site who want more than anything to be able to get out of the abusive lives that they are currently living. Some have children who also need to be removed. But the sad fact is that they don’t have the money, the contacts, the help, etc. that they need in order to make such a move. They will wake up tomorrow to face the same fears that have haunted their lives for far too long. They will seek to find the outside resources that are needed to help them get away only to find that these resources are in short supply and often not available at all to those who are in small communities and for those in large cities, they will find that the need far outweighs the limited resources that are being provided.
Therefore, my wish is that the loss of these two people makes a difference for all of us. I want for every person who has become a survivor and for those who have never known the horror of this kind of life to reach out and do whatever you can to help someone, anyone, who has lived or is living with this pain. It may be anything, from providing some kind and understanding words to helping with resources, but every little bit will make a difference. And for those who know someone in an abusive situation, please step up and help them so that they will know that they matter and that it is possible to live a life without abuse. Even though the majority, if not all, of us never met Jasmine and Ryan in life, let’s make their deaths be a reminder of those who are still very much in need of our help.
If you compare the average American couple in a domestic violence situation to the outcome of Not Without My Daughter (a book and movie based on a true story) then it is clear the American men who are abusers have many more rights than the US gave the Iranian husband.
When that mother left, she never had to send her child to a supervised or alone visit with her former husband again.
However, if the abuser is an American man, he will most likely be given supervised visits which can become unsupervised if he is on good behavior. And we all know that abusers (research psychopaths in Wiki to help classify his style) can usually “behave” themselves for as long as it takes to get what they want – even years to land a women who has the looks or assets or package that he desires. Only letting the abuse leak out after marriage or the birth of a child – research shows many woman experience the first serious assault while pregnant. Basically in vernacular – after “he has her tied down with his kids.”
Abusers are great con artists, many are psychopaths, who actually have completely shut off remorse. When they show sorry or feelings, they are doing it to manipulate and mimic a “normal” response to keep the victims in place. Victims and even counselors who don’t have ample experience and research into domestic violence and psychopaths will try to address the abuser as if he had a conscious that is working, when in fact he does not. However, the abuser will learn “right responses” that lack sincerity.
If your abuser is a psychopath, narcissism to the last level, then this abuser is likely to kill the victim and the children if they try to leave or even after they leave when it appears that this are “okay.”
Injunctions do not protect children and women because a family can be shot, killed, stabbed, or beaten to death before 911 is called or the police arrive. And this is the reason many victims stay – contrary to popular opinion and false research stating that they victims like the abuse, feel they deserve it, or can’t get out.
Though it is true that some victims cannot get out. Abusers tend to pick a profile of their victim. Some abusers look for victims who are very kind, caring, and have been abused before who make little income and have little family. While other abusers look for women in the public eye who might “hide” the abuse to preserve reputation. Yet still other abusers look for women who have more assets so that they may use her assets and then throw her to the curb. And still other abusers will seek victims out with many children who are religious and “see the good” so they can victimize the children.
Research is starting to show that “good” people cannot imagine being evil or hateful to the extent of an abuser. So when an abuser, for instance, touches a child inappropriately and the child says something. The abuser will claim “it was an accident” and all the normal non-abusers in the room will believe the abuser because they could not imagine someone molesting their child in front of them.
An absolutely fabulous analysis. I can’t thank you enough for posting it here.
Thank you, my friend. Pretty heavy facts of life. Whats bad, is that with the economy downsized and such, there are no jobs out there to be had even if the abused go to a shelter. With NO money, they are forced back with their abuser, if their support system is ostracized.
You are so right and I am bound and determined to figure out something. It is such a huge undertaking but there has to be a way to at least get started with one. This is the one thing that I have heard over and over again from women that are trying to get out.
Very tragic story for sure! I know that the story may come and go. But every time these stories come out, they can be a vehicle for victims to know they are not alone. And maybe they will find the courage to get the help they need. Stepping out of an abusive relationship is so difficult to do ~ even for the very strong minded woman. As a survivor of abuse, I tried not to provoke my abusers. In therapy I learned that when you are abused or scared, you either fight, flight or freeze. I usually froze. The only abuser that I did provoke was my brother. I have no idea why I did it. But it was when I was very young. At some point along the way I realized that what I was doing was only making him worse and I stopped. I think I felt like if I provoked him and he hurt me, he would get into trouble. But that never happened. And usually he would threaten to kill me if I told. So I either told and nothing happened. Or I chose not tell because I feared for my life. I think that people who have never been in an abusive relationship don’t know how to act when the person is going nuts on them. Like Jasmine ~ if this was her first abusive relationship, she may have just been trying to assert herself vs. provoking him. Either way ~ she was not to blame for what happened to her. She just didn’t realize that by fighting back, that she would be ending her life.
As a survivor of different kinds of abuse, I have been looking for the perfect place to volunteer. There is a women’s shelter that I’m interested in. And I’m also interested in CASA ~ child appointed advocates for court. My therapist doesn’t think I’m quite ready to dive in just yet. So for now I can only donate to the shelter and support people on my survivor sites. I am helping an abused male friend. HIs wife battered him verbally and physically for 9 years. And she’s still trying. For men it’s even harder to prove that they were abused. So it’s been a long battle. Just talking about this subject and sharing your story can help somebody else. Thanks so much for talking about this in your blog. It’s a very important topic that needs attention to help other victims.
Many blessings ~
Mandi
There are no words to express how grateful I am for your sharing here. It is absolutely impossible to put into words what it is like to be in an abusive situation. For you, your abuse occurred as a child when you were definitely not in a position to walk away. For me and for many others, our abuse happened after we were adults and we still allowed it. Maybe we felt like children because of the feelings of helplessness in finding a way to deal with this issue. I can’t thank you enough for all that you have done, all that you are doing and all that you will do to help others who are so desperately in need. The more that we share our stories the more strength we are giving to others who are survivors and those who want to become survivors.