Comments on: Please Don’t Tell Me What To Do

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 20:28:22 +0000

I understand what you are saying but apparently I did not make myself clear. There is a big difference in offering advice and sharing ideas as opposed to someone else telling me how I should think or how I should handle any sort of situation in my life. In my blog I am specifically addressing those people who have the answers to every question or situation that may arise and there is no other way in which to resolve the matter than that which comes from their own point of view. I welcome ideas, suggestions, brainstorming sessions, etc. I don’t welcome someone telling me what I should do. I am sorry but no one can know what the best thing is for me to do except me.

By: Denise

Denise — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:06:32 +0000

I totally understand what Jeanie is saying. I endured a great deal of criticism growing up as well, and I take great pride in the fact that I do what I want despite other’s “offerings” of advice. While you indicate that no one knows us better than ourselves, most people would then in turn not know why we take it so personally when they suggest their opinion of our best course of action. Sometimes people are at a loss for what to say at times and are generally trying to be helpful, and instead we internalize that others are exerting a small amount of control over us by trying to guide our choices and become angry or frustrated.

For instance, I recently posted on my facebook status that I wished an employer would give me a chance, and that I felt like a wasted resource. I’ve felt this way for the whole summer, and I have been declined for upwards of 50 jobs I could have done perfectly well. I felt like letting out a little bit of what I was feeling, and in return I was told that I need to be patient. Out loud, when I read this, I said WTF?! Then I realized that if I engage anyone with my thoughts, I am to expect that not everyone’s responses will be pleasing to me. I can disregard the ones that don’t suit me, and internalize the ones that nurture my best interest.

I am a visual person, so as I was typing my last sentence, it made me think of the visible light spectrum. Objects absorb all colors except for the ones they reflect, and the reflected color is the one we see. The same could be said of advice people give us. All advice that doesn’t suit our situation can dissipate unseen, and the advice that works for us can be reflected back into our lives where visible results appear. Does this make sense? I hope so, I just made it up. I find visual analogies help me. Although they may not necessarily be in your best interest.

So the next time someone gets under your skin with their all-knowingness, remember this: dissipate the negative, reflect the positive.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 23:24:57 +0000

Thank you so much for sharing your different perspectives on this subject. They are certainly valid and I did not mean to exclude other options. I do believe that I may not have made myself very clear if it was your understanding that one incident or two or however many would would have ruined a friendship or brainstorming partner as I truly appreciate other people’s ideas.

By: Mary

Mary — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:53:36 +0000

While I understand your frustration, may I offer a different take?

Perhaps your friend didn’t realize she had lapsed into giving orders rather than ideas. I am guilty of this, but it is not meant as “telling you what to do” as much as offering support and encouragement – it just comes out wrong. I get really excited about an idea and start seeing its potential….yeah.

If I were in your friend’s place, I would want you to say, “Hey, I appreciate your enthusiasm for this idea, but lets brainstorm some more before we settle on one. If I need some help with getting started, I’ll let you know.” In this way, I would know to stop, but wouldn’t lose a friendship or a brainstorming partner.

Another possibility is to lay out the boundaries ahead of time. Tell her that you are only looking for ideas, not instructions or how to.

I am not telling you that you should go back to sharing ideas and plans with this person. That is your choice. But it makes me sad that one incident, so easily addressed, could lose you and her the opportunities for more wonderful ideas and insights to share.

By: Tania M.

Tania M. — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 22:55:35 +0000

Amen! Can relate to what you are saying. Thanks for sharing!

By: Kim

Kim — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 22:40:44 +0000

Thank you for sharing this.
I had a “helpful” friend who used to drive me crazy with this.
The last straw came when I asked her as a favor to proofread my resume. I made it very clear to her that I just needed another set of eyes for basic errors. She didn’t need to reorganize or reformat it, just check for misspelled words and grammatical errors. I had done the same for her on a couple of occasions Poor control freak just couldn’t help herself.
My resume had been designed by a professional “head hunter” who had worked in the personnel industry for 20 years. It was really quite good.
But poor control freak…
I told her that I was not going to make any of the MANY changes that she insisted I needed to make. That put a kink in the friendship. Not much longer after that the friendship ended over a similar such issue.
Thanks again for relating this.

By: Jeanie

Jeanie — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:23:00 +0000

I can relate so well to your reaction at suggestions made to accomplish your project. I might well have felt the same way. But after many years of introspection and some insight provided by friends, I’ve come to realize that my tendency to get steamed when people tell me what to do is a kneejerk reaction to incidents from my childhood. My father was forever telling me how to do everything ‘a better way’. There was very little I was allowed to accomplish on my own, even when I was content to muddle along in my own happy way. I forever heard that I was ‘doing it all wrong’, and it didn’t matter if I was washing a dish, wrapping a gift or crafting a little project.. he would literally take it out of my hands..do it..finish it..hand it back saying, “see? that’s what you should have done” Years of constant criticism, constructive or otherwise take their toll. Today, I still bristle at unsolicited comments and advice, but I’ve learned to take a breath, listen and remind myself I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not going to let someone ‘steamroll’ me. Sometimes it takes a bit extra effort, but try to smile and politely thank them for their input. Then I do what *I* want. : )

By: Lika Saliscente

Lika Saliscente — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 07:47:04 +0000

Oh, can I relate to this. My new honey and I just had to how shall we say… “break up”? “Divorce”? a friend of mine for being very pushy, in so many different ways. While her boisterous personality made for fun drama and interesting to pass time, the fact that she would disrupt our day on a regular basis (we home school my son) and didn’t respect the fact that just because we can be more flexible, doesn’t mean that we can just rearrange our schedules just to suit her and her needs, not to mention that she’d help herself to our food, soft drinks, etc… camping out at will, and basically being very demanding of so much…

Thank you for posting this blog, I read thinking you could have written this FOR me. I think you’re top notch, and a great friend to have, and I enjoy having you on my list.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 23:16:19 +0000

I thank you so much for sharing. I find that the more that we know about each other and the things that we each deal with on a personal level, the more it helps to understand that we are all in this together and that by sharing our personal experiences, we can all learn so much from each other.

By: Barbara Jacoby

Barbara Jacoby — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 23:11:03 +0000

Thank YOU so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to bring the message home. Only wish that some of the people who I know would be as classy and thoughtful and respectful as your mother-in-law was when you talked to her. I am usually quite fearful about how most of the people would react if I tried to approach such a subject.