Please Don’t Tell Me What To Do
August 16, 2009 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness
In a recent discussion with a friend, we were brainstorming ideas about how to approach a certain project that I was going to undertake. But, before I knew it, she was telling me exactly the approach that I should take, how I should go about laying it out, how I should measure the accomplishment of my goals and the manner in which I should structure a timeline for completion. As I sat there listening to her, I suddenly realized that I did not appreciate what she was doing and the fact that as she had no real idea about the underlying results that I wanted to achieve, how could she dictate what should be done.
I did hear her out and walked away from her vowing never to bring her into such a discussion again. That made me a little sad because I knew that by not consulting with her in the future, I may miss out on a brilliant idea that I may not otherwise have considered. I guess I was just trying to determine where the line needs to be drawn in such situations.
As I pondered this for awhile, I realized that I had taken her behavior very personally. And the longer I thought about it, the angrier I got. If this were the first project that I had ever undertaken for myself, then I might have appreciated the guidance through the various logistical steps. But such was not the case and I had already established a great reputation for myself based upon my past efforts. So I went back to my original assessment of not asking her for any input in the future and I will tell you why.
No one knows me better than I know myself. I know my personal experiences and I know what I have learned in the professional world as I have passed through many different experiences over the years. And one thing that I have learned is that you never tell another person what to do. Another person may not have had your same experiences so by telling them to do something in a particular way, they may have no frame of reference in which to do that. Another reason is that when you sit down to share ideas, the goal is to do just that – come up with lots of different possibilities. And most importantly, when the friend is not someone who shares in doing the same types of projects that you are going to undertake, how can they outline what and how you should do it.
So, I am asking all of my family, friends, co-workers and other business colleagues to please not tell me what to do. Please afford me the respect of sharing ideas and if you think I should be doing something differently than I am, there are lots of ways to help me out that are not disrespectful to me. For me, the easiest is to say something like, “If it were me, I would …”. You have not walked a mile in my shoes so you can’t possibly know what will work for me personally. And I don’t know your particular experiences and how they may have affected you so I can’t tell you what will be the best course for you.
And if I find myself headed down the path of telling someone else how they should feel or what they should do, I just remember an exchange that my sister and I recently had wherein we recalled something that our parents had said to us many years ago. Our individual recollections were so totally different because of who we were, how we interacted with our parents and what we believed about ourselves as individuals at that time. So trust your own instincts and make your decisions based upon what works best for you and you will never go wrong. The smartest person you know does not know you better than you know yourself so they have no business telling you what to do either.
I would love your comments.
I totally understand what Jeanie is saying. I endured a great deal of criticism growing up as well, and I take great pride in the fact that I do what I want despite other’s “offerings” of advice. While you indicate that no one knows us better than ourselves, most people would then in turn not know why we take it so personally when they suggest their opinion of our best course of action. Sometimes people are at a loss for what to say at times and are generally trying to be helpful, and instead we internalize that others are exerting a small amount of control over us by trying to guide our choices and become angry or frustrated.
For instance, I recently posted on my facebook status that I wished an employer would give me a chance, and that I felt like a wasted resource. I’ve felt this way for the whole summer, and I have been declined for upwards of 50 jobs I could have done perfectly well. I felt like letting out a little bit of what I was feeling, and in return I was told that I need to be patient. Out loud, when I read this, I said WTF?! Then I realized that if I engage anyone with my thoughts, I am to expect that not everyone’s responses will be pleasing to me. I can disregard the ones that don’t suit me, and internalize the ones that nurture my best interest.
I am a visual person, so as I was typing my last sentence, it made me think of the visible light spectrum. Objects absorb all colors except for the ones they reflect, and the reflected color is the one we see. The same could be said of advice people give us. All advice that doesn’t suit our situation can dissipate unseen, and the advice that works for us can be reflected back into our lives where visible results appear. Does this make sense? I hope so, I just made it up. I find visual analogies help me. Although they may not necessarily be in your best interest.
So the next time someone gets under your skin with their all-knowingness, remember this: dissipate the negative, reflect the positive.
I understand what you are saying but apparently I did not make myself clear. There is a big difference in offering advice and sharing ideas as opposed to someone else telling me how I should think or how I should handle any sort of situation in my life. In my blog I am specifically addressing those people who have the answers to every question or situation that may arise and there is no other way in which to resolve the matter than that which comes from their own point of view. I welcome ideas, suggestions, brainstorming sessions, etc. I don’t welcome someone telling me what I should do. I am sorry but no one can know what the best thing is for me to do except me.
While I understand your frustration, may I offer a different take?
Perhaps your friend didn’t realize she had lapsed into giving orders rather than ideas. I am guilty of this, but it is not meant as “telling you what to do” as much as offering support and encouragement – it just comes out wrong. I get really excited about an idea and start seeing its potential….yeah.
If I were in your friend’s place, I would want you to say, “Hey, I appreciate your enthusiasm for this idea, but lets brainstorm some more before we settle on one. If I need some help with getting started, I’ll let you know.” In this way, I would know to stop, but wouldn’t lose a friendship or a brainstorming partner.
Another possibility is to lay out the boundaries ahead of time. Tell her that you are only looking for ideas, not instructions or how to.
I am not telling you that you should go back to sharing ideas and plans with this person. That is your choice. But it makes me sad that one incident, so easily addressed, could lose you and her the opportunities for more wonderful ideas and insights to share.
Thank you so much for sharing your different perspectives on this subject. They are certainly valid and I did not mean to exclude other options. I do believe that I may not have made myself very clear if it was your understanding that one incident or two or however many would would have ruined a friendship or brainstorming partner as I truly appreciate other people’s ideas.
Amen! Can relate to what you are saying. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this.
I had a “helpful” friend who used to drive me crazy with this.
The last straw came when I asked her as a favor to proofread my resume. I made it very clear to her that I just needed another set of eyes for basic errors. She didn’t need to reorganize or reformat it, just check for misspelled words and grammatical errors. I had done the same for her on a couple of occasions Poor control freak just couldn’t help herself.
My resume had been designed by a professional “head hunter” who had worked in the personnel industry for 20 years. It was really quite good.
But poor control freak…
I told her that I was not going to make any of the MANY changes that she insisted I needed to make. That put a kink in the friendship. Not much longer after that the friendship ended over a similar such issue.
Thanks again for relating this.
I can relate so well to your reaction at suggestions made to accomplish your project. I might well have felt the same way. But after many years of introspection and some insight provided by friends, I’ve come to realize that my tendency to get steamed when people tell me what to do is a kneejerk reaction to incidents from my childhood. My father was forever telling me how to do everything ‘a better way’. There was very little I was allowed to accomplish on my own, even when I was content to muddle along in my own happy way. I forever heard that I was ‘doing it all wrong’, and it didn’t matter if I was washing a dish, wrapping a gift or crafting a little project.. he would literally take it out of my hands..do it..finish it..hand it back saying, “see? that’s what you should have done” Years of constant criticism, constructive or otherwise take their toll. Today, I still bristle at unsolicited comments and advice, but I’ve learned to take a breath, listen and remind myself I’m not a kid anymore, and I’m not going to let someone ’steamroll’ me. Sometimes it takes a bit extra effort, but try to smile and politely thank them for their input. Then I do what *I* want. : )
Oh, can I relate to this. My new honey and I just had to how shall we say… “break up”? “Divorce”? a friend of mine for being very pushy, in so many different ways. While her boisterous personality made for fun drama and interesting to pass time, the fact that she would disrupt our day on a regular basis (we home school my son) and didn’t respect the fact that just because we can be more flexible, doesn’t mean that we can just rearrange our schedules just to suit her and her needs, not to mention that she’d help herself to our food, soft drinks, etc… camping out at will, and basically being very demanding of so much…
Thank you for posting this blog, I read thinking you could have written this FOR me. I think you’re top notch, and a great friend to have, and I enjoy having you on my list.
Very well said Barbara! As I read your blog, I could feel my temperature going up. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when somebody says, “you should”. Especially when my mom tells me ~ “you should go to this doctor because he is the best”. I will definitely NOT go to that doctor. I don’t say anything about it bothering me. I just listen, smile and nod. Now if I’m asking for help, I love advice. I will still make up my own mind as to how I deal with something. The best way to share advice with somebody is to use “I” statements. When I was in therapy groups, we were told to share how we related to something. Not to fix somebody with advice about what they should do. Everybody is different and we are all coming from different places with different personalities. My dear mother in law used to always give my daughter table manner lessons when we were all together. At one point, my daughter came to me and said, “I wish that Gaga would just love me and not give me lessons on manners all the time.” I felt a need to talk to my mother in law about it. But in my family, we weren’t allowed to tell people when something bothered us. So I was careful how I worded things. I called her and I said, “I just wanted to let you know that “C” has come to me and shared that she doesn’t want manners lessons from you. We give her lots of manner lessons at home. And she just wants your love and attention. Not lessons. However, we really appreciate being able to call you and ask questions about manners if we don’t know something.” Because I wasn’t raised with manners and how to do things. I was so afraid she would be upset. But she gave me the best gift ever. She calmly said, “How would I know I was doing something wrong if you didn’t tell me? Now that I know, I most certainly won’t give lessons unless you or “C” asks for it. I promise never to do that again.” I couldn’t believe it was that easy. Then it dawned on me that when things bug me, I SHOULD be able to tell people that I am bothered. How would they ever know unless I told them. And I’m sure they don’t mean to do something that bothers me. They think they are helping. I loved your blog! Thanks for sharing!
Thank YOU so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It really helps to bring the message home. Only wish that some of the people who I know would be as classy and thoughtful and respectful as your mother-in-law was when you talked to her. I am usually quite fearful about how most of the people would react if I tried to approach such a subject.
GO you! Thanks so much for writing this! So calmly too! As you probably know from my PTSD site it usually takes me ‘losing’ it before I will come near standing up for myself like this. Telling me what to do and also what to feel or not feel are MAJOR triggers of mine. I appreciate your voicing this and respect your standing up for yourself and asking for what you need!
You *ARE* Loved
Joanne
I thank you so much for sharing. I find that the more that we know about each other and the things that we each deal with on a personal level, the more it helps to understand that we are all in this together and that by sharing our personal experiences, we can all learn so much from each other.