The Father / Daughter Relationship
June 21, 2009 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness
The most important relationship that any girl has with a parent is the one with her father. As today is Father’s Day, I felt that it was only fitting to discuss the relationship that I had with my own father that formulated the person that I am today.
First of all, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I loved and respected my father very much. But, my father was raised in a very strict environment and that is the home that he created for us. I was the middle child with an older sister and younger brother. My brother was only 15 months younger than me so I was never really the baby. As for my sister, she was the first to experience everything so that it wasn’t as exciting by the time things were handed down to me. Of course, this included clothing as well as just about anything else that you can think of.
The biggest thing that both my sister and I faced with our father was that he was extremely concerned with our appearance. For my sister, at a young age (under 10), he put her on an exercise regimen that included sit-ups, etc. Since that didn’t work for my sister, he decided that he would put me on a diet and if I didn’t lose 10 pounds by summer, I was not going to be allowed to wear shorts.
The other big thing for me was that my father, and later my brother, never felt that I measured up to my potential. Nothing that I could do was ever good enough. When I got great grades in school, it was expected, not rewarded as they were for my brother and sister. When I became a cheerleader, my parents never once came to any game or to any parade in which we marched. When it was college time, there were three of us in school at the same time so I stayed at home to go to college and worked every day after school from the time that I was 16 so that I could pay for my own education. My reward was that there was never enough money left for me to get new clothes, etc. after they got those things for my brother and sister and paid for them to go to college out of town.
As a result, when I found a man who was interested in me and gave me attention, I was “grateful”, I guess. I finally had a male who thought that I was something special. My dad didn’t seem to think that I was special so I would show him. And when I got married and my dad told me that I was not welcome in his home if I brought my husband because he did not approve of him, well, that was the final straw.
Although I didn’t experience any abuse from my husband until after we were several months into the marriage, I could not bring myself to let anyone know. After all, I had once again proven my dad right by not being smart enough to know what I was getting myself into. It was up to me to either fix it or be smart enough to find my way out of it. What a mess!
I never did figure out what was going on at the time that I was in that relationship but I did learn so much about myself. Although it took until the point where I could not stand the abuse any longer for me to leave, I am so glad that I had the presence of mind to do so. And the most interesting thing is that it was my mother and father who were there to move me out the day that I left. How ironic!
I would love your comments.
I’ve spent my life trying to get the acceptance of my father. No matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough. My mother died a couple of years ago of cancer and alzheimer’s. After her death, he changed dramatically, and not in a good way. I’m currently estranged from him, and miserable. I told him about sexual abuse that happened to me from age 5 to 18. Some at the hands of my brother in my father’s house. He refuses to accept any responsibility, and denies knowing it ever happened. I feel as betrayed now as I did at age 5 when nobody believed me. I was able to forgive my mother, because she simply asked what she could do to help. It all came to a head when he, at 85, asked a woman to marry him that my siblings and I didn’t know, had never met. Just drove home how little consideration he has ever given my feelings. I feel like a cry baby, at 52. Don’t think it’s important to have a father/daughter relationship? Think again. I need him, still, despite everything. Wish I could fix it, but I’m not willing to be disregarded forever.
They say that the father/daughter relationship is the one that affects the life of the daughter more than any other relationship that she will have in her life. That is why it is the one that we want so badly and will do just about anything to make it work. I don’t know what your current life situation may be but I sure don’t think that you are a cry baby for still wanting that relationship, regardless of your age. The thing that is interesting is that you say that you still need him, despite everything but that obviously is an illusion. You have never had him in your life from the age of 5 and you have very successfully made a life for yourself without him so it is obvious that you don’t need him. But you want him in your life despite everything which is a whole different story. And it is downright tragic that he won’t allow it because it is so devastating to you and your life. I can only hope and pray that one day he will wake up and realize what he is missing in his life by not having you in it. It is so sad that he doesn’t seem to care about anyone else but himself and that he doesn’t even care that he is passing up one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to him in you.
i too can relate to my dad never thinking anyone i was with was good enough. yes, he was right but i can say he has ALWAYS been there for me. i may have had to hear what he had to say but at least he was there. as his three children was growing up the only way we saw him was to go to the busines he ran but he was brought up the the men work and the women take care of the children. he may not have been there for us emotionally but now that we’re grown up i think he realizes what HE missed as we were growing up. although at times what he had to say was not always worth the help we got or get from him. yet i know he loves his children and his 9 grandchildren very much.
Thank you for that! I do miss them everyday and will always be filled with gratitude that I had such wonderful parents.
My sister died from Ovarian Cancer and I like to spread the word. It is so hard to detect that most don’t discover it until it is too late.
When I lived in L.A. I used to volunteer for the Revlon 5k for Breast and Ovarian Cancer. It was a most amazing experience. The energy that was there was quite something. I wish they could bottle that!
Oh, I am so very sorry for your losses in such a short period time. I can’t begin to imagine that. It is so wonderful that you had such a super life with them that will far outlive any of the individuals. That is what life is really all about.
I guess I am one of the luckiest ones! I had TWO wonderful parents. They both gave me strength, love and support. I miss them every day.
My dad had a very heart wrenching death. He died from the effects of dementia caused by diabetes. At the end he didn’t even know who I was.
My mom died before him from a broken heart ,you see my sister died from cancer 2 years earlier and my dad was in a nursing home with dementia.
My dad died 1 1/2 yrs later. So within 3 1/2 years I lost my whole family.
But I will never stop being grateful for the wonderful and caring family that I had.
Thanks for sharing. Im sorry that he beat you i dont understand how i father can do that but my father never abused me but he did emotionally abused me. He never taught me anything never really was there for me. Im mean i dont really understand how u feel but i think i kinda understand. I hate how they say that a women needs a father daughter realtionship in there live but i never had one and it sucks. Im really sorry that he did that to u tho
Fathers are important and it sounds like you had a bad experience with yours, which has caused you a lot of pain and the wrong example to follow that led to interesting choices yourself.
I know that both parents play a huge role in a child’s life by way of them leading by example and balancing both love, support, guidance, and positive discipline. We must be good examples for our children whether our children have both parents or not.
I did not have my dad and while I wished to have a positive father figure in my life, I didn’t miss it that much since my mother was so great! She really did do the work of two parents all on her own. I thank God everyday that she moved away from my father as he was abusive mentally and physically and was and still is a bad and damaging example to other people and children in his life. I decided on my own that I was uncomfortable and scared to be around him and told my mom I never wanted to see him again. Good thing he backed off then. I feel for those children out there who have an abusive parent who won’t back off. It is highly likely that if I were around his abuse and witnessed any more of it as a child as he abused his partners and family members, I would have been really screwed up.
On the other hand, I know of many great fathers and do know what that looks like and have that hope for my daughter too if her father can get himself together so we can have a respectful co-parenting relationship in the future. Until then, I will what I have to, to protect the best interests of my daughter by not allowing her to be exposed to any abuse and also providing her with a strong community including friends of both female and male role models.
It takes a village to raise a child. We are not meant to do it alone or isolated from the rest of the world.
For those out there in similar situations, be in love with yourself, find freedom, strength, and support to move on and build a better life.
It can be done, lead with loving intentions, pray all day, chant to your heart’s content, cry as much as you need to, express yourself through art with your children, dance in the middle of the meadow, breathe!
I had a painful upbringing myself, and I could write a novel about it. However I will just say that by the grace of God I have a relationship with my father again and actually look forward to hearing his voice, whereas before it would cause me terrible nightmares of him chasing me down and trying to kill me. I’ll leave it at that.
I do believe that the relationship between a girl and her father is very important.I had a great relationship with my dad until he abandoned my mom,my brother,and me 7 years ago.Since that happened I have struggled a lot in life.If I had a better relationship with either of my parents,I’m sure my life would be 10x’s better.
I think it’s awesome you found a man who thinks you’re special and got married!
I was never close with mine, and haven’t really spent any significant time with him in 32 years. He was always critical, and actually I was worth MORE married, because I wasn’t good enough as myself.
I let it go, and my husband, who I’m divorcing (almost final) wanted to try to take too much control. I’m so happy that you’re blessed! Many years of happiness to you and yours!
I know I had a Dad like that…it’s hard and you spend your whole life looking for Dad, looking for that acceptance, It took me down some mighty hard & very dark roads. I made it out the other side I’m married to a good man, but we are friends more than man & wife and ya know it’s ok …I’ve decided I’m just not very good at the male relationships, I get my emotional support from my girls, my daughter, My daughter in law and my best friend. All else comes from my grandchildren
Wow, To read all the stories my heart goes out to you all. I am one of the very,very lucky ones to have a Dad that was the greatest on earth.No matter what happen or what we needed to tell him he always listened and tried to respect us of our decisions.There were 5 of us kids and he always had equal time for all.We were all equally important to him.The feeling of knowing your Father has such pride in you is undescribable.I wish the stories above could have been so lucky.I lost my Dad three years ago and even in his final moments he was such a strong caring man.I remember when he found out he had cancer,it was never about his fears or pain,it was all about how his children were going to handle the loss.He only lived three short months from diagnosis to his passing but I can still see myself sitting on the couch with him I was crying that I wasn’t ready for him to go and he said”Baby I am not ready either but we all have to go sometime,you be strong and everything is going to be o.k.and I am going to be o.k. also”I Love him and miss him terribly.He was my heart.Maybe I needed to write this today to honor him on Fathers Day.I hope there are little girls everywhere that are experiencing the joy of such a wonderful Daughter -Father relationship that I was so Blessed to have had.
God Bless
MIMI2TWINS
i would just like to say that fathers are very important…mine was very controlling and abusive….im 48 now and know at this stage of the game that he cant hurt me anymore , i mean he has no grip on my future because i forgave him the past…
i love my dad and wish him a great fathers day..
thanks for sharing…pammie
I would say your life as a child and young adult pretty much sucked! I think it was terrible the way you were treated and very wrong. I too, have dealt with some horrible issues such as my parents never married nor lived together but he beat her and that ended up with my brother and myself living in foster homes. I got to come home when I was 7 my brother did not. My brother is paranoid schizophrenic and was beaten by the first foster father to the point where he could not walk.
He was raped by another foster father at the age of 15. It was no walk in the park when I got to come home either. My dad was still a drunk and would beat me. My mother wasn’t to great either she beat me as well. I was molested by my half sister’s husband, my 2 step brothers and a few other disgusting excuses for human beings. So, in conclusion…I could go on forever but it would take a lot of time and this was not about me to begin with. I just wanted you to see we all have it tough in one way or the other and some have it worse. Sorry for you!
Rose
Father’s Day is not always a good day for me because my father was one of my abusers. He’s not alive anymore. So at least I don’t have to see him. I guess there is a sadness that it could have been/should have been much different. When I see kids with really good dads, it hurts. I am happy for them ~ but sad. I grieve for what I would have liked. While I know you love your dad, it sounded like you were always jumping through hoops to make him notice you. That must have been so hard being the middle child ~ and watching your siblings being treated differently. As an adult you can see that the way you were treated was unfair. But as a child, you don’t understand and it really hurts. I can understand why you were “grateful” for your first husband. You needed that love. Funny thing about parents ~ we still love our kids no matter what. My daughter snuck out of the house in the middle of the night when she was 19. She moved in with some guy she barely knew ~ and he was a major loser. It ripped my heart out and I was pretty much distraught for two days straight. We had little contact with her because she didn’t want to talk to us or be around us. But when the boy became abusive and my daughter was seriously depressed, we went in the middle of the night to “rescue” her from this creep. He was gone at the time we moved her home. All we ever wanted was the best for her. And even though she made bad choices, we still loved her and wanted her home safe with us. So when you said your parents moved you out, it made me think of that horrible time that we had. Your dad must have seen through your first husband ~ and he didn’t know how to handle it. He was more than happy to help you in the end because he loved you. I look forward to your blogs. Thanks so much for sharing!
Blessings ~
Mandi
This is not a matter of being about me. I am always appreciative of others sharing their stories because when we share with others, they find that they are not alone and that there are others out there to help with support through their sharing. I can’t begin to imagine the life that you and your brother had to live. And for you to even think that my life pretty much sucked after all that you endured, I feel like my was a picnic in the park. You are a true inspiration and one very strong and courageous woman. Many prayers and blessings to you for a most wonderful rest of your life.
I am so very sorry to have raised these thoughts and memories for you today. I can’t even begin to understand a father who sexually abuses his child. I don’t think that anyone can ever get over having had that kind of a childhood. I just wish that there was some way that someone could just take away all of that horror from you and all of the other children. I am so happy that you were able to rescue your daughter when she made a poor choice. Of course your daughter didn’t want to talk to you because she was ashamed of what she had done. Been there and done that. My parents got me out when my ex was not there. And you are so right. Parents always do these kinds of things for their children because they love them.
I am so happy that the blog helped to recall such loving memories of your father. Believe me, my dad did the best that he could based on what he was taught. I lost my dad to cancer also. I do have good memories also and I didn’t mean to lead people to believe that my dad was a bad father. He wasn’t. But I think that he was like so many other parents who believed that if you push and push that you will force the children to do your will. He wanted the best for us but since I didn’t need as much help and guidance as my siblings, that ended up being equated to not needing any attention or positive reinforcement either. I just wanted to explain my situation so that it might help others who had a similar upbringing and had difficulty in understanding some of the choices that they made as a result.
Thanks for sharing! I think it’s wonderful that you had such an amazing father! That is what every child longs for and should have. I understand how hard it must have been for you to say goodbye! He lives on in your heart through your loving memories. It’s just hard letting go. You were definitely blessed!
Blessings,
Mandi
No worries Barbara! You didn’t raise up the thoughts and memories. I was fighting with my memories all day. Because the last thing I want to do is let him control me in the present. So when thoughts creep in, I try to go in a different direction. But I think it’s important to reflect at times. I have worked through so much of the abuse in therapy. And all of the bad memories have gotten much better in time. I do this intense therapy called EMDR. It is kind of like erasing some of the pain. It doesn’t make it go away. But it feels better as I work through everything. Yesterday I just tried to turn my focus on my husband. He is a good man, husband and father. So we celebrated him instead. I am blessed!
Blessings ~
Mandi
Awesome. It is so wonderful that your mom was strong and courageous enough to get you out of that abusive home. And it sure sounds like she taught you well in the way that you are teaching your own daughter. Thank you so much for sharing.
Just to clarify, I don’t think that Nickole is responding to my blog but rather to someone else’s comment as my father never beat me.