The Perpetuation of Child Abuse
May 31, 2009 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Domestic Abuse
As an adult, when we find ourselves in abusive relationships, we have the ability to talk to others, seek help and find ways to get away from the abuse. Certainly it is not an easy thing to do but it is a choice that we can make. However, children do not have the opportunities to know their resources and even if they do, are usually intimidated into believing whatever threats are made by their abuser.
I don’t have any children and I do not personally know any child that has suffered from physical abuse. I do know that if I were aware of a child being abused, I would not hesitate to go to the authorities. I would not try to handle the matter with the parent or parents as I am not trained to do so. Nor would I be willing to risk the well-being of any child or children by allowing the parents to find ways to hide the children or try to hide the abuse or take the children and run.
Verbal abuse is an entirely different situation. Many parents and other adults that I have met along the way do not find anything wrong with the way that they speak to their children. For example, if a child is not doing well in school, they have no problem with telling the child that he/she is a loser and will never amount to anything. They tell the children that they are dumb, stupid, etc. and go on their way, never thinking twice about the ramification of their words. Then there are those who have children who do a fantastic job but regardless of their achievements, it is never enough. They are expected to do well and if they don’t meet the parents’ expectations, then they are not trying hard enough or they are lazy or they don’t care and on and on and on.
I don’t think that there is a single person who is reading this blog who has not either personally experienced such behavior directly or saw others inflicting this upon other children. Many girls are told that they are too fat or two skinny or too ugly, etc. and end up spending their adult life so self-absorbed in their personal appearance that they never even consider that they are beautiful people just for the people that they are. They never consider that their real happiness in life would be found with a person who appreciates their willingness to trust and to nurture and to be allowed to be just whom and what they are.
Many of the same things happen for boys. If they are not into playing sports and being the big man on campus and working out in the gym all of the time, they are constantly being reminded that they are failures as men and less than desirable and that no woman would ever be interested in them. They have a difficult time growing into adults who understand that physical acumen has nothing to do with being a wonderful husband and great human being. And the sad part here is that the abuse usually comes from the fathers who never succeeded in the athletic arena themselves and are now trying to live vicariously through their sons.
I do understand that most people act and talk to their children this way in the hope that it will spur them on to do bigger and better things. After all, this is the way that the children’s parents were treated by their own parents. However, if every adult would stop to think about the verbal abuse that they experienced as they grew up, I think that it would be a whole different ballgame. How did you do in your adult life as a result of being told that you were dumb, stupid, lazy, too fat, too skinny, not smart enough, not working to your potential, not doing the best that you can, etc.? How has such verbal abuse diminished you as a person? How much did you buy into the abuse that was repeated to you over and over and over? And now, most importantly, as a result of this abuse, how has it changed you as the person you are and what are you going to do to change from who you were told you are into the person that you actually are? The easiest way will be to start speaking to the children in your life in a manner that is completely respectful and to offer your help and knowledge to them if they need it. The more that you treat the children with dignity and respect, the more you will become a positive role-model in their lives and the more respect you will have for yourself which will lead you to being the person that you truly are and/or want to be. And we will not end up raising another generation of people who will perpetuate the same destructive behavior on their children as we have been doing for so many generations.
If you need help or have questions about child abuse or child neglect, check out www.childhelp.org.
I would love your comments.
Dear Barbara,
I’d like to respond to IVY, if I may. IVY, I want to echo everything that Barbara said to you regarding all that you shared.
When you get your children back, and you will, please protect them from the father and the step-mothers that come and go in their lives.
They are being abused and neglected when they are away from you. Is there a CPS social worker you can contact and have what the children told you investigated?
Also, Ivy, I am concerned about the boyfriend you were living with. Please be very careful about bringing in someone to live with you and your children.
As you have experienced, kids bond with the people their parents live with. Especially when those people are co-parenting.
When you have children, and this is just my opinion, you must make sure that you are healed, and that the man is healed and recovered from his issues.
When I was in a similar place on my journey to remembering who ‘I am’ Ivy, I lived with a man that I eventually broke up with and it was devastating to my children. They did not display any signs of being seriously bothered at the time. But I now see losing a father figure
had long term damaging effects on feelings of security that touch every area of living.
In my self-centered emotional state of neediness, I did not fully realize how my actions were impacting and traumatizing my blessed children.
Like you, I had been the abused child. I always thought that the ‘task’ was to heal me. I thought my kids were fine because I had given them so much love and very good care, care that was praised at church, school, and by my professors. I thought that my kids were even fortunate because I was in therapy. “I wish my mom had gone to therapy to learn how to be ‘well’ for me!” I often thought.
The “therapies” of the day back then, promoted working on “the relationship” and authoritatively “ok’d” break-ups. After all, you are struggling for your psychic
survival, as I remember one psychologist-author stating it.
It is better for children to experience divorce or separation, they said, than to remain with parents who are not happy
and fight all the time.
Well, I say to the so-called adults, Control your impulse to fight! Do not fight, do not have heated arguments!! Period! Stop trying to get your needs met in the relationship. Stop working on the romance and try being friends. If sex works, great! If not, let go of it. Make compassionate generous parenting your first and most important priority.
But, Ivy, I want to appeal to you on behalf of your children as I wish someone had done for my children long ago.
I understand the needs of a healthy young woman. Even at 53 this grammy still has a lot of those same needs. I understand that when we have been neglected in childhood the needs of the adults we become are just that much more amplified!
We connect to a man and justify taking him home–after all we are starving, and he looks like a feast! We are starving emotionally and physically. That is how we interpret the impulses our bodies send to us.
We do not know that the impulses can and must be TRANSLATED differently, however, so that we may survive with QUALITY and not create only more of that which we were trying to remedy in the first place.
The wounds that you and I suffered in childhood can not and should not be fixed by a man! We truly must heal ourselves with help.
Therapy, group, 12 step groups, and church groups or community clubs can help with many of those ‘natural’
but highly amplified and often out of control needs and impulses!
But now as far as your children are concerned, I want to ask you to not get into a committed relationship until you have completed therapy with a ‘clean bill of health’, or until your youngest child turns 18!
At least consider bringing the entire family into therapy
so that the children get to have their say and relief from stresses.
Find a therapist who shows interest in the ongoing well-being of the real children, not one who just focuses on the relationship of the two adults trying to heal their starving inner-children. The needs of the whole family are
vitally important to every individual member. Perhaps treating healing in this way might work for you and yours.
And lastly, please never minimize the damage that can be done to children when parents break up. Sacrifice if you can, to stay in a relationship, as long as you are not being abused. Put up with aggravating faults as long as they are not of an immoral nature. Decide that letting your kids have an imperfect dad that they love is better than not giving them a family to feel safe in.
Let me know how you feel and what you think, please.
I felt that I could relate to your circumstances, Ivy, and I hope I’ve helped, not a little, but a lot!
What is happening with you getting your children back home with you?
Lots of love and blessings to you!
Deana
When I was growing up in the 70’s, people just didn’t talk about abuse as much as they do now. There weren’t a lot of resources for adults or kids in the matter. As a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse, I have worked hard not to repeat the pattern of abuse. I knew that I wanted to be a mom so that I could do it the right way. I just did the opposite of what I grew up going through. I did have a very loving grandmother who lived around the block. I believe that she showed me how to love and to be compassionate towards others. I didn’t tell anybody about the abuse because first of all, I thought it was love. I was groomed. I was very needy of love and my abusers knew that. The abuser treated me special for short periods of time. I heard, “Don’t tell your mom. You know how she gets.” And I always felt like she would explode with anger if she knew anything that happened. She raged out of control a lot. I felt like it was my fault and she would be mad at me. I believe that there were plenty of signs for my mother, for my grandmother, for my neighbors and for my teachers. But for whatever reason, nobody spoke up for me or saved me. I believe that if they had Oprah, or other resources in general, they would have noticed the signs and come forward. How could any adult know about the abuse that was going on, and not come forward. As you said, if I knew this was happening to another child, I would call CPS. I would not hesitate. The child needs to feel visible. I spent a lot of time feeling invisible because I didn’t feel like people noticed me. I am still working through things in therapy. I didn’t start working through things until about 7 years ago. Sounds like a long time. But with only one hour a week, there’s only so much you can talk about. And I had many layers to peel back. Eventually when I get to a better place, I want to volunteer for CASA. I would be a court appointed child advocate so I could be the voice of abused children. I would get to know them, vist them and care for them. And then I would talk to the judge and give him my opinion of what is best for the child. That would be so awesome for me to be able to be the voice for the child. I can’t say it won’t be hard. But I’ll take it one step at a time like I always do. Thanks for sharing your very insightful blog.
Thank you for sharing your valuable insight on a subject that can be too taboo for people to discuss. I have survived child abuse myself, but have been quite successful in not repeating the pattern. I recently lost my job (6 years ago) and was under a lot of pressure to lose the image of being a single mother, but I decided that there are certain things that you just can’t change, and if you truly love yourSELF, then you need to make truly authentic decisions when it comes to your personal life. With me, I had the bad habit of going for “bad boys”, which honestly never quite worked.
I know that this is somewhat of a disadvantage to my children (being raised by a single mom), but we always made the absolute best of the situation- we played together, read together, went on trips together, etc. It could definitely have been worse- if World War III is their living condition, with me having the wrong man in my life.
Fortunately, both of my kids were properly raised, they were nurtured and loved. They may have had to endure a stressed mom every now and then, but I always discussed things with them and made them well-aware of my love and dedication to both of them.
In hindsight, my daughter’s father had made a few unwise decisions when it came to good role models. He married a woman who had severe mental illnesses, and this caused my daughter a great deal of pressure when she was only 6 or so. She would come home crying- saying that she called her “…a bitch, like your mother” or tell Carina that “your mother is a whore”, while I was in a relationship and pregnant with my son. She became worse and worse, going so far as to telling my daughter that she was fat, she would not allow her to watch “The Cosby Show” simply due to the fact that there were African American people starring in the show. I COULD go on, but I’m sure you understand. I always told my daughter to pray for her because she was not well…and that “God made you perfect, just as you are”. She never heard a negative word about her body from me- and she never will.
Unfortuantely, although I helped her father see the err of his ways (as a friend), he made another unfortunate choice. The wife he has currently has called her many names and made her feel that she didn’t “fit in” because I had raised her to be somewhat “preppy”- clothing and otherwise. He also chose to drink alcohol with my daughter when she was only 14, and his wife smoked marijuana with her. I am beside myself with all of this. Additionally, when Carina first returned from a cross-country stay with their family, she was shaking and even had a stutter. She’s never had one before. She said it was because of the step-mom’s treatment.
As for my son, he has recently mentioned that his “stepmom” had treated him unfairly, and she had even called him a “bastard” on a public website. He has told me that his father lets him stay home alone from 3 until 7 every evening, while I spent every penny I earned to be sure that they were properly cared for by a nanny when I was still working.
As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I became a single mother again was the fact that my ex boyfriend had snapped belts in the air to my son, he used wooden spoons on his bottom, and would even pinch my son if he misbehaved while we were in public. I had a family member tell me that I could be losing a “great guy” just because I wasn’t willing to make my son change. I had to remind her that WE are the adults…and this was certainly NOT my son’s choice- especially at the age of 3.
You would think that I would be the one to do horrendous things to a child since I was abused, but I honestly feel that it taught me a lot about what I didn’t want to do to my kids. I have raised my voice, as most parents do (occasionally). But when the child tries to ACT as an adult (by unnecessarily screaming in your face) when you are restricting them from their cell phone for bad behavior, you HAVE to be firm. If not, you could have a little teen monster on your hands! Lol…
Unfortunately, the job loss took my children from me. After years of raising them in a loving, caring environment, we were separated due to the fact that I could not afford to keep them. However, I know that they are both aware of how much I love and miss them with every day that passes…and I know in my heart that I made the right choice- to NOT be with the man who touched my son. They may not know it now, but someday they’ll understand.
I love them with all of my heart.
Thank you again for sharing.
We should all be thankful for the true gift that being a parent really is.
look forward to hearing from u Barbara
plz keep me informed my relationship was abusive mental physical verbal and anyother way u canthink of. U know the routine how it is.
A wonderful blog that makes you think and as a parent be more aware of how I speak to my children. Thank You:)
A very great write & only wish that every parent would read this!
I have FOUR Louise Hay books including this one sitting out in my room at all times and refer to them often. I have had them for about 25 years and agree that her writings are amazing. Too bad that I was such a slow learner.
I think that you would be interested in a book called “You can heal your life” by Louise L. Hay! EXCELLENT book, AMAZING book, and it seems to me that you would very much relate to her teachings. I loved it!
Keep the blogs coming! LOVE READING THEM!
Thanks
MacKenzie
I found this to be so true..
Many girls are told that they are too fat or two skinny or too ugly, etc. and end up spending their adult life so self-absorbed in their personal appearance that they never even consider that they are beautiful people just for the people that they are. They never consider that their real happiness in life would be found with a person who appreciates their willingness to trust and to nurture and to be allowed to be just whom and what they are.
ah but only until I was given the gift of cancer…now i look back and see just how beautiful I was …and still am..of course I still get the same old feelings sometimes when i look down and see what is missing….and when i look around and see what is missing, but i know this is just a test…so i do my best..I love my child.i love myself…..that is all I can do ….
Sadly, this is so true. I see this in the way my step-daughter’s mother treats her. We don’t know that she calls her ugly or lazy, etc. But when we buy her a coat or shoes or hat, her mother and step-father automatically say “oh my god, that’s UGLY!”. “Your hair looks ugly!” “Oh, you’re wearing THAT to school today?” “That doesn’t look as good as you think it does.” Who in their right mind would say such a thing to a 10 year old girl? My husband and I are constantly awarding her with positive feed back. That she’s beautiful, her hair looks pretty, she looks nice today, we’re PROUD of her. We tell her, don’t worry what your mother says. As long as YOU like the hat/coat/shirt, etc, that’s ALL that matters.
I can’t fathom talking to a child so negatively. Thankfully she has my husband and I here to reassure her that she IS beautiful, on the inside and out. Unfortunatley, she lives with her mother full-time, however we are in the very early stages of a custody dispute. Wish us luck….
You have such great insight. I wish that every woman would be able to understand how beautiful she is just for the person that she is. It is very interesting that you refer to it as “the gift of cancer” as I feel the same way although my gift was for a different reason. The greatest gift that it has given to you is that you love yourself. That allows you to love your child, to love others, etc. and that is really what this life is all about. You are a real inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
You are really a blessing for that little girl. And believe me, when she gets older, she will cherish the people that you and your husband are. It is so important that she receives your positive feedback because it does provide a balance for what her mother is doing to her and she will ultimately realize what an important part you have played in her life. I have seen it happen in similar situations. Keep up the great love!!!
Thank you so very much for sharing. You are a most awesome mother and your children are so fortunate that you have had their best interest and welfare at heart. I am horrified that you and your children have been separated because you lost your job and could not afford to keep them. Know that you are so right about them knowing how much you love and care for them and they will grow up knowing what a real parent is all about. I will definitely send you lots of prayers and blessings and the hope for you to find the perfect job so that you can have your children back with you. You are so very special to not have a man in your life just to pay your bills. You and your children deserve so much more than that no matter what anyone says. With what you have taught your children, we all know that they will be just fine.
Barbara,
Thank you so much for sharing such details of your life. There are so many people that walk through these situation and feel alone. They don’t know if they can or will come through. It is important to show people they can. Teach them how to over come. How to be not just a victim but Victorious.
I am thankful for your friendship and look forward to hearing more.
God bless you richly,
Char
Thank you so much for your understanding of what I am trying to accomplish. My goal is exactly as you indicated – to let others know that they are not alone, that there is help available and that you don’t have to live nor should you live with abuse in your life.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for others to know what is actually happening to children in this country and to take action to help and protect them. I know that you will reach your goal of being a voice for abused children. They need you and that is why it will happen.