Domestic Violence – Why I stayed
March 15, 2009 by Barbara Jacoby
Filed under Creating Happiness, Domestic Abuse
With the big story in the news regarding the violence that occurred in the relationship between Chris Brown and Rhianna, the question that keeps surfacing is why Rhianna would go back to Chris after that beating. Was she just that dumb, stupid, crazy, etc.? Many people think so and everyone has lots of advice to give but unless you have been in that situation yourself, you have no idea about the dynamics that are in play.
I have no idea why Rhianna has chosen to stay with Chris, if, in fact, that is the choice that she has made. However, I can share my particular situation and the reasons that I stayed in my abusive relationship. But as no two people, and therefore, no two relationships are the same, I can’t begin to advise someone else about what is best for them.
I was married the first time at the age of 24. My husband and I dated for a year and although he did tend to drink a bit too much on occasion, it was never a problem. We both worked and loved to play tennis in our spare time. We lived together the last 3 months of that year and decided that marriage was good for both of us. The honeymoon lasted 4 months. I don’t know what brought about the change but he did become a different person. He stopped working and began drinking and smoking pot on a regular basis. And within a very short period of time, he decided that rather than defending his actions, he would go on the offensive and started to accuse me of cheating on him when it was he who was cheating on me.
When he did come home, he started with the accusations and progressed to slapping and punching me. I never raised a hand to him nor did I verbally abuse or even yell at him. I was afraid to do so because I was afraid that he would get even more violent. Things escalated to the point where I had a loaded gun in my face on a regular basis and he threatened to kill me. As a result of my fear, he was able to control my comings and goings. He would show up at my office to check on me to be sure that I wasn’t flirting with someone. When I got home after work and on weekends, he would call to make sure that I was home and it didn’t take long for me to follow the rules in order to avoid the repercussions. If he returned home at 3 a.m. and wanted something to eat, he dragged me out of bed and would verbally and physically abuse me until I did what he wanted. And, most importantly, with a gun in hand, he regularly reminded me that if I ever decided to leave, he would hunt me down and kill me.
The day after our 10th wedding anniversary, I moved out. I had reached the point where I felt that if he did come after me and kill me, it would be preferable to living as I had for so long. I had returned to him every day during all that time because I had made a commitment to spend the rest of my life with him. I returned each day because I thought that I could find a way to fix things. I returned each day because I loved him. I returned each day because I couldn’t imagine abandoning another human being who had no job and no money. And I returned each day because of the fear of death. But, the day that I left, I knew that regardless of whatever may come my way in the future, I would never have a bad day now that I was free. And I have never had a bad day since.
If you or anyone you know might need help, Check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline website.
I understand completely why women stay in those situations. They manipulate you & make you think that they have all the power. Then they break your confidence to the point that you feel worthless. You start to think that no one else will ever love me but “him” & I don’t deserve anything better. Well, thats how I felt. My first relationship in highschool was abusive. He had complete control over me…I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up, use fingernail polish, or wear anything that he didn’t approve of. & you know, I didn’t even realize what he was doing until it was too late & he was in control. He was physically abusive in a different way than anything I’ve ever seen tho. We would be horse-playing & he would get too rough & I’d tell him to stop, but he would just do it more & harder…just to let me know that he could hurt me worse if he wanted to. When bruises starting showing up on my arms, my mom confronted him about it….& he just started focusing on my legs so she wouldn’t see them. This went on for a little over a year & I was getting sick of all of it. & I have seen some of my family members fall into abusive relationships & they never left. I saw the after effects of their beatings & it was horrifying. I was determined that I was not gonna spend the rest of my life in misery. So one day he got on to me about wearing blush & it really pissed me off. So I got the courage up & told him I was done & I went home & never looked back. & to this day, 11 years later, he still regrets losing me. I know this because he told me when he found out I had cancer & found me on Myspace. He’s apologized for how he treated me, but I forgave him a long time ago. Holding on to hate only keeps me from healing, so I let it go. But theres NO Chance of us trying again…EVER!! I know my experience is no where near as bad some of the ones that i’ve read about, but it was an eye-opener for me.
You are exactly right! So many people say “I would never stay!” “What are they thinking?” Until they are in the situation, there is no way to understand the dynamics of the relationship. And every relationship is different. Though it’s easy for us to see that Chris Brown was abusive to Rhianna, she is the one IN the relationship. She is the one that is suffering and choosing to be with him for her own set of reasons. People are too quick to judge because they think it can never happen to them. When I was in an abusive relationship, I was just 14. I thought everything he did to me was out of love. In fact, I didn’t even know that it was called “date rape” until I was married and had kids. I thought that even though I didn’t want to do it, it was part of the relationship. I am so grateful that he broke up with me after a year. But shortly after that, he started stalking me and it was very scary. He stalked me until he moved ~ which was about 6 months after the break-up when I was 15. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I am so glad that you realized that you would never have a bad day again! Just as long as you didn’t have to keep living in fear. You are free!!
Blessings ~
Mandi
Hi Barbara,
For me it was my second marriage. I had grown up without a father or any man in our household. I was raised by my Mom and Grandma. Looking back the signs were there, I just didn’t know what they were.
I moved back east with him and within 3 months of our wedding called my Mom and said I think I made a mistake. My Grandmother had convinced my Mom I would do so, but she thought it was because he was military. She also felt I needed the discipline. I had made my bed and now I needed to lie in it. Which I did for 15 1/2 years. I never told my Mom about the abuse.
It started out slowly, things were done “for my own good.”
If I was more than 5 minutes late coming home the verbal abuse would start. Where was I at? Who was I with? I must be screwing around. I was put up against walls, threatened, slapped, drinks thrown in my face or at me. Other items thrown… phones, TV remotes, nic nacs. He learned early that I bruised easily and people would ask about the finger prints on my arms. But when you slam someone against the wall with your forearm it left no marks. He convinced me that if I left him, he would hunt me down and kill me. Even when he “let” me go out with girlfriends from work, there was repercussions when I got home, the interrogations and innuendos, the guilt, so I quit going out. Later the only girlfriend that I had at both work and home told me…”When I saw you at work you were confident, smart, outgoing, friendly, and always there for others. I was jealous of you. Then I got to know you personally and saw you at home. I watched you bow and become this totally other person. I was no longer jealous.”
We had 3 sons. The youngest is developmentally delayed. The two older ones and I were the victims. I was just happy the youngest never had to endure it. I later realized it was because my ex could control him. He never defied his father. Where the three of us would argue, or try and fight back my yongest wouldn’t. He adored his father unconditionally.
I didn’t leave, I tried a few times but he always convinced me otherwise. I suspected but could never prove he had cheated. Like yours instead of defending his actions he became offensive. I remember him on the phone to his friend one night saying… the best defense is a good offense. And if that doesn’t work be nice, buy whatever she likes to drink and keep it coming until she passes out and then you can do what you want and blame it on her for being drunk. I realized he was talking about me. When I confronted him he denied it.
He finally left me for a woman 12yrs my junior. I tried to warn her. I even fought to save this worthless marriage, because it had been drilled into me that no one else would want me.
It’s been almost 11 yrs now. I lost my middle son to suicide, and 7 months later my Mom died of Alzheimers. I realized I had to move 400+ miles from my hometown to regain control of my life. I’m so grateful for what my life has become. I have so many friends and family that love and care about me. If nothing else I’ve gained strength and compassion, empathy, and non judgement of others. Because we don’t know everything about other people lives. We only see small glimpses. But I do know there is life after abuse. And with the help of a great therapist you can embrace the past knowing it’s made you who you are.
Much Love & Light
Karen
You did what was right for you–in the time it was right for you. Thanks for sharing your story, your openness and your honesty.
As an executive producer, I give “voice” to those who wish to speak out. Here are samples of different shows,
http://www.youtube.com/superbooks7
There are one or two videos on this site about (domestic) violence.
Barbara~ once again thank you for talking so openly about the reality that many women ( and men) find themselves in and don’t have answers to why that would make sense to any one unless they have lived it.
I too had an abusive first marriage. I married my high school sweetheart…the only real boyfriend I had ever had. We had two beautiful daughters together but unfortunately drugs became his God…and we all know where that leads.
I still look back and am ashamed at times to see what I had allowed myself to become…a person who was controlled and lived in fear.
GOD gave me the strength to understand that life was not meant to be lived that way.
Big hugs to you~~ Stacy
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It is almost exactly like my own except that I never had children. Thank heavens he left you so that you did not have to endure one more minute of that life. The move away to another location to start a completely new life was also the best thing that I did for myself. I am so happy that you had someone who could show you that new life. You and your story are a true inspiration for all.
I really appreciate your sharing your story. It helps to let others know that they are not alone and that there is hope. You sure must have one ton of strength and courage. You really are an inspiration.
I really understand exactly what you are saying and I thank you so much for sharing. I do have one question for you though. I am of the belief that after I left my abusive situation that I stuffed away all of my feelings and that they started to literally eat away inside of me in the form of cancer. Do you think that there is any relationship between your abuse and subsequent cancer?